6/15/18 Why did I call?

Yesterday was rough. I cried so many times. I cried when I told my 23 yo dd who is so proud of me. She worries so much about me (which I feel guilty about). I cried when I told my 20 yo son who is also proud of me. I cried when I told my dh, who told me not to cancel the appointment and that all of this is exhausting for him too. I did not tell my sister as I just don't think she understands. I don't know if she doesn't want to hear about my problems (she is kind of like that), or she secretly wants me to keep drinking, or she doesn't want to look at her own drinking, or she just thinks I am making a big deal out of nothing. I told her last weekend how bad I felt and she said, "that sucks" and then changed the subject.  When I told her later I was just going to go to bed, she replied "lol".  This is anything but a laughing matter. I have opened up to her in the past about the bingeing and the sneaking and the mental anguish I have been going through. She just isn't ever really all that receptive and/or compassionate about it. She does not think the answer is quitting forever. She just hinks I need to try harder.  I don't know what I am going to do about my relationship with her. I love her dearly, really enjoy hanging out with her and don't blame her for my drinking, but EVERYTIME I relapse after an extended abs period or drink wine when I have promised myself I wouldn't, it is with her.  She doesn't push it on me, I just don't have a lot of will power around her...something to ask the therapist about I guess.

So what made me call yesterday? I wasn't in the grips of a hangover which is usually when I make these grand statements about never drinking again. Although I have stopped doing that as well because a few days later I feel like I fool for saying anything when  I decide to have a couple beers on Friday. I was just starting to keep all of my drinking thoughts to myself. I really did call while in some kind of crisis, panic attack mode. I started calling four times and hung up before I finally did it.  I said to myself, "Do it before you change your mind." It kind of worries me that I called in such an anxious state. Usually when I make rash decisions like this, I change my my mind when I calm down. Afterward I said to myself, "What have you done?" So why did I call?

1. I drank too much, again, on Saturday (with my sister no less). I had a debilitating hangover Sunday. My dh said some harsh, but true, words to me that morning that shook me to the core and caused me to cry much of the morning. I am sitting in the bathroom sobbing but telling everyone I just had to "go". I swore I was done drinking again on Sunday and Monday. I didn't get anything done Sunday, Monday or Tuesday (after being a crazy person cleaning out every closet in my house last week). I just felt so tired and depressed and unmotivated. I had said to myself a few day ago "here comes those feelings of not being able to find joy in everyday living again...you knew this would happen even if you are successfully moderating...alcohol is a depressant" but I just pushed those thoughts away. Wednesday rolls around and all of a sudden I decide that I was doing so well moderating before Saturday night that it was just bc I drank wine. That I can still drink light beer and be able to drink as long as I don't drink wine and I am careful. I was already starting to plan my weekend...go on a hike Friday afternoon with my neighbor drinking buddy bc it would be a good excuse to have a beer afterwards, take my dh out to his favorite brewery on Saturday for Father's Day (never mind that my 20 yo son has already said he isn't going to go sit in a brewery while we drink and it is Father's Day) and have a BBQ at my house on Sunday which always invokes drinking.  Then, yesterday, I woke up with this contradictory feeling of gratefulness for being sober. I had finally slept well and was glad that I hadn't drank since Saturday. My brain is just all over the place and I had had enough. How can I go through so many extremely different emotions concerning alcohol in just five days?? And thiss has been going on for 10 years! When will enough be enough? When will I be sick enough of this to do what I need to do to quit?

2. I ran across this article in my flipboard new feed yesterday morning.

NHS pharmacy worker, 37, died of alcohol poisoning on the first day of her holiday

I have to be honest, it kinda scared me. I have absolutely drank that much on vacation, if not more.  I am at my worst on vacation...breaking all my rules. My dh and I have absolutely "familiarized ourselves with the destination" by walking around and drinking all day. I absolutely did this the first day we got to Vegas for my 21 yo dd birthday. My dh and I drank all day (familiarizing ourselves with all the different casinos) and then we had jaggerbombs (not my idea) around midnight when she turned 21. I couldn't even walk unassisted back to the room. How horrible would it have that been if I would have died on her 21 birthday!!! And I drank at least as much as this woman. I did spend her birthday, the next day, feeling like complete garbage but it was vacation so I just started drinking again. I have been at this level of intoxication maybe 25 times in my life. What's worse was I was trying to get her to drink with me...mother of the year! Another time was on vacation in Cancun drinking rum punch all day. I got in a huge fight with my dh, could barely get back to the room and passed out while they went to dinner. Another time I was so drunk from slamming grape-a-ritas (which I don;t even like but are high in alcohol and easy to slam) in the car on the way to the mountains for a vacation to celebrate my ds high school graduation. I didn't even remember that we had stopped at McDonalds (which I never eat) on the way up. I just sat in the car wasted (still drinking) with headphones on singing super loud thinking I was the shit! I woke up the next day and couldn't even function, but it was vacation so later that day I drank some more. I could go on and on. This could have 100% been me numerous times and I'm sure the woman in the article never thought it would be her. That is f!@#ing scary as shit!

Then I looked around and found more instances of this happening.

Mom Dead From Alcohol Poisoning

Mother battling breast cancer dies from alcohol poisoning 

These women did not fit my stereotypical picture of people who die from alcohol poisoning (drunk old homeless guy or college frat boy who did too many shots). These women were/are me. I have drank that much on many occasions and I am starting to see physical consequences to my drinking...heart palpitations, hot flashes, anxiety attacks, stomach aches...

 It's just not worth the risk. How selfish would it be of me to die and devastate my family for my own selfish need to drink. Not worth it.

So, how am I feeling this morning.  Kinda worn out, confused, scared, anxious. I didn't sleep well last night. I keep waking up feeling anxious. I kept having this dream of giving up my decision making  to someone else (I think we were on vacation) and something about taking a shower but not being able to close the window so everyone could see me. Probably had something to do with surrendering and vulnerability. I really am not too scared of the counseling part. I do not want to drag up all of the stuff that has happened to me in the past, but I am more scared of what therapy means. Even after being pretty shook up from those articles, I have to admit what scares me the most is never being able to drink again and not being happy in sobriety. There has to be underlying reasons why I can't maintain sobriety and I need someone to help me figure that out.