Wasted summer 7/31/17 (Mon)

Well, this is my last full week off before I go back to school and I feel like it has been a complete waste of a summer.

It's weird that when I am drinking all summer, I feel like complete shit when school starts but it is more of an "in the present moment" shitty feeling.  When I was in the grips of by obsessing about drinking and not drinking I never really allowed myself to see beyond the present moment.  I thought I was analyzing my past and making goals for the future but it was really just about being stuck in the misery of that exact moment - how I got there and what I am going to do differently.  Unfortunately. nothing usually changed so I never really moved out of that place.  I kind of lived in this place of thinking about how much better things were going to be when I did better at controlling/abstaining my drinking but I never really did so I never really got unstuck. I lived in the "planning phase" for a good solid 10 years.

"Party girl and loving life phase"
My 20's were spent partying, weekend binge drinking, graduating college/earning a master's degree, starting a career, in super good shape, buying a brand new house in a sought after brand new neighborhood, making new drinking friends in the neighborhood, having a child at 28 and loving life! No worries about alcohol.

"Starting to notice but still having fun phase"
My 30's were the fun neighbor/weekend binge drinking/party girl/still in great shape phase. I was being somewhat kept in check by all the demands of motherhood. I still having a good time but starting to notice and worry about how drunk I would get and if I was embarrassing myself. I was starting to get concerned with my image - wanting to be the fun hosting neighbor but not the drunk mother. My kids were ages 2-12 and 1-9 and having fun with their friends in the neighborhood (while I partied with the neighbors every weekend) so not too worried about being a bad role model. My hangovers were just beginning to get worse and harder to deal with toward the end of my 30s. Still not overly concerned with alcohol.  Was just drinking with/like everyone else and having fun.

"Obsessive/Planning/Anxious/Depressed/Stuck phase"
My 40's have been a slow downward spiral into hellacious hangovers and trying to control my weekend binge drinking - ever so slowly getting worse with every passing year.  Sooo much time and energy spent obsessing/researching/reading/rule making/goal setting/denying/realizing/beating myself up/still drinking/trying to gain control/blogging/planning/trying.  A decade spent in the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. So selfishly obsessed with myself and my issues around alcohol.  Kids were 13-22 and 10-19 so extremely ashamed of my weekend drinking and worried about the example I was setting. A decade of slowly sinking into not really caring about anything other than my obsession with drinking/recovering from drinking/controlling drinking/abstaining from drinking - slowly getting out of shape and overweight.  Slowly arriving at a place of depression/anxiety /having no motivation and finding no joy in everyday living.

This summer has been a waste. I haven't completed any projects, gotten in any better shape, gotten much sleep, found much peace and/or joy in life. I also haven't had my normal fun/party it up summer like I usually to either.  It has just been a boring/depressing/non productive/self obsessive/exhausting/too much tv watching/unmotivated/overly sensitive summer.

Well, I least I accomplished one thing. I quit drinking 40 days ago and feel better than I ever have about never drinking again.  I feel like I am finally at peace with the fact that as much as I would like to drink, I just can't. I don't process alcohol while drinking the same way as other people. Once my bac gets past a certain point (which only takes 2 drinks anymore), I lose the conscious ability to even think about stopping. I don't think "screw it - I don't care" I just don't think about it at all.   Moderating completely leaves my conscious thinking and I end up having between 4-10 drinks at least 2-4 times a month. I also do not process alcohol the same after drinking it. My hangovers physically last at least at least two days and the agonizing/obsessing/insomnia/depression lasts at least four days every single time I drink. I came to the sober/rational/mature decision that it just isn't worth it anymore. I am the only one causing all of my misery (by drinking) and I am the only one that can stop it (by not drinking). I feel like I wasted my summer but at least I didn't spend it wasted.

Maybe this summer hasn't been a complete waste.  Maybe by quitting drinking, everything else will eventually get better.  Maybe I will, one day, find joy, happiness and balance in my life. Maybe next summer will be better.