Monday, July 3, 2017

7/3/17 (Mon) My last drink - what changed?

I finished reading This Naked Mind last night. Really good. The 3 things I took away were:

1. Alcohol isn't the elixir of life - it is nothing more than an addictive drug
2.  Drinking is causing all of my "blah" feelings even when sober.  It is making me feel crappy and my cravings are not for any other reason than to feed my addicted brain. It feels better when I drink because I am addicted. Is causing all the other symptoms while sober that are only relieved by drinking.
3. If I make a solid choice to never drink again, I can enjoy never struggling with craving, doing the things I want to do with my friends and live a happy life without alcohol.  I can "choose" to be happy and grateful because I no longer have to deal with my putting poison in my body or I can "choose" to live in a place of deprivation and unhappiness.

She also talked about your last drink. I was thinking about my last drink and what made me choose that to be my last. It took me a while to figure it out because I wasn't quitting after a hangover, which is usually the case.  This is how I got to the place of being at peace with quitting for ever.

8 weeks before  - went to the mountains with my sister and her kids - drank a ton on wine - acted terrible in front of nephews/son and woke up with terrible hangover - actually chugged a beer in my room in the morning bc I felt so bad and heard it would help - didn't help - tried to ski, but couldn't - made up some story about not feeling well and sat on a bench all day suffering - didn't remember all I had said the night before - reminded by my nephews - embarrassing

6 weeks before - son's graduation - went to the mountains - got wasted on the drive up (husband drove) - drank way too much 2 nights later - hellacious hangover the next day - missed out on all activities - stayed in bed - said I had food poisoning (no one believed me) - embarrassing

3 weeks before - went out with workmates to celebrate last day of school - drank a little too much - said some things that could come back and bite me about other people - waited and drank water to drive but probably still should not have - could have been a disaster

1 week before - drinks on my back patio with neighbors - drank way too much - started bawling and spilling my whole life story to them in a sloppy drunk monologue - didn't remember all of it the next day - son told my what I had said as he had the window open and could hear all of it (blacking out is new for me) - embarrassing

Last week
Wed - beers on neighbor's back patio even though wasn't drinking anymore - was going to have 1 - had 3 - don't usually drink during the week
Fri - wine with my sister - probably 4 glasses - didn't want to drink that much as traveling the next day - just sat there and kept drinking
Sat - got wasted on the way - 1 beer in first layover - 2 glasses of wine in 2nd layover - 2 more glasses of wine on final flight - went to store when we got there - details are fuzzy
Sun - took a sea plane to island to see daughter's (probably soon to be) in laws - nervous - bought a bottle of wine for dinner - drank 3 glasses with them (well not really with them as they weren't really drinking any of it) - leaving - panicked I was leaving the wine there - went into the kitchen and chugged another glass - horrified the next day that maybe someone saw me (didn't care at the time)
Mon - still on the island - had 2 beers at the brewery - brought more wine for dinner but drank beer instead - really the only one drinking except husband - was my dominating, loud, over talkative, buzzed self - even got a couple of "looks" from my kids - embarrassed the next day
Tues - boat back to place we were staying - didn't drink during the day - depressed - fought with husband - quiet - went to dinner and had 2 glasses of wine - as soon as I had the wine, I cheered up, started talking and felt normal
Wed - paid for an excursion to see glaciers/sea lions/whales/orcas etc. - could bring own alcohol - would have in the past - just didn't care about anything  (the trip, being with my family, drinking, nothing) - was very quiet - even threw a little temper tantrum about my seat - ridiculous - went out to dinner (Island Pub) - couldn't wait to order a glass of wine to feel better - drank it - felt nothing - got another - couldn't even finish it - made me nauseous and didn't make me feel any better
Thurs - took a beautiful walk through the forest (the one thing I wanted to do while there) - didn't care - quiet - clinically depressed - hard to explain - felt so fat, out of shape, exhausted, had chest pains from anxiety -  I just didn't feel anything - didn't even want to drink - just didn't care about anything - just felt numb

I think this was when I realized (without a hangover) that drinking wasn't even making me happy while drinking anymore - all it was doing was helping me relieve my addicted cravings - to feel "normal". Things were getting worse - blackouts, more frequent drunk sessions with subsequent hangovers that took days to recover - just to drink again. I was not getting any enjoyment from drinking anymore just relief from my addiction.  Plus, I wasn't getting any enjoyment out of life at all anymore - ever. I couldn't enjoy life sober and I couldn't enjoy life while drinking. Drinking wasn't about having fun with my friends anymore because even if I was with other drinkers, I felt like my drinks and I were in our own little bubble. I could somewhat see and hear through the bubble while drinking but it was muted.  I just felt safe in my bubble (like a little transparent cocoon) with my drinks, kind of unaware/not caring about anyone or anything else. I was getting drunk more often alone or with others who weren't even drinking that much. It was destroying my confidence (I couldn't figure out why I wasn't the favorite teacher anymore - because I didn't care anymore) and making me over sensitive. I didn't care about my heath, my fitness, my weight (I said I cared and hated it but never did anything about it). Plus, I was using alcohol to "feel normal".

Alcohol was robbing me of caring or enjoying anything and I was only drinking because while drinking I didn't care that I didn't care. 

I think I just got sick of it. Sick of feeling this way for so many years. I know that alcohol is ruining me - ruining my ability to find joy in anything (buzzed or sober).  I got to a point that I just didn't care about anything, but that also included not caring about alcohol anymore. It had pushed me too far - beat me down - to the point that it just wan't fun anymore even while doing it.  When something isn't fun anymore and is ruining the rest of your life - why bother. I realized that alcohol will never be the fun, social activity that it used to be - no matter how hard I try. Honestly, I don't even want it to be anymore. It is so stupid the way I act/behave/think while drinking. 

I don't want to be me drinking (loud/dominating/selfish/indifferent) anymore and I don't want to be me sober (depressed/ anxious/numb/exhausted) anymore.

I am tired of wasting my energy on this stupid addictive drug that is making me miserable and unable to enjoy life every single day.  I have wasted too many years battling this addiction. I will not waste another minute of my life to this drug. Thank God I realized this before it was too late. 

Good Riddance - Day 12


  1. Day 12, Awesome! Keep your mojo going!

  2. Congratulations! Your posts are really helping me stay the course. I can relate. This one made me think back to my last drink, and the weeks/months/years leading up to it...not pretty. Pretty ugly actually. Makes me soooooo glad I didn't fall off the wagon yesterday or today! #DAY129! :)

    1. It is so disgusting how bad it got for me before I quit. Maybe not that bad by anyone else's standards but super bad by mine.