Thursday, July 20, 2017

7/20/17 (Thus) One month and no cravings and I drug myself through the day and drugged myself in the evenings

It is really strange that I haven't had any cravings and tomorrow will mark one month.  What is different? I think I might know.

All of the times I have tried to quit in the past, the cravings have been terrible.  Every Friday and Saturday I have just been "white knuckling" through with intense feelings of anger, resentment, loneliness, longing for a drink - sometimes to the point of a panic attack.  I would have decided to quit while going through the horrendous 4 days of withdrawals.  After the withdrawals had passed, I always second guessed my decision telling myself that I wasn't that bad and that I could try again - that I just needed to be more careful, diligent in my moderating.

Maybe the difference this time is that I didn't quit as a result of a terrible hangover. I was coming from a more rational place rather than an emotionally/physically painful place.

We went on vacation and I did get wasted on the trip there (to the point I barely remember going to the grocery store once we got there) but didn't drink more than 3-4 drinks on any of the following days. This is unheard of in my vacation playbook. I did have one day were I was sneaking, guzzling and a little embarrassed/worried about my behavior which also made me take a pause the next day (without a hangover) and really think about what I was doing and the choices I was making. But, overall, I drank far less than I have ever drank on vacation.

In Alaska, where it is so beautiful and calm, with my family I just couldn't feel happy ever - while drinking or while sober. I just kind of drug myself through the day and then drugged myself in the evenings.  I came to the realization, for the first time and on vacation no less, that the only reason I felt down, kind of blah, all day was because alcohol had just dulled me every hour of every day even without a hangover. I wasn't craving drinking during the day - I just felt kind of out of it. But, that all went away once I had a drink with dinner.

I realized that as soon as I had a glass of wine, I felt "normal" - talkative, happy, relaxed. And, since I was the only one drinking, I had kind of an out of body experience where I saw myself - how I was acting. It was really weird to realize that that one glass of wine just changed me completely. All of a sudden I felt back to normal - happy. Did I need a drug to feel happy?  And then, after I ordered the second glass, I just didn't want it anymore - I just felt so exhausted by the whole thing. I left half of the second glass sitting on the table (as well as a whole six pack of beer in the refrigerator when we left) which is unheard of for me on vacation. I usually have to drink every last drop before we leave bc vacation is a time of drinking without the rules or guilt.

i was thinking that there was something wrong with the fact that I was unhappy/blah while sober and only felt "normal/happy" while drinking but then had to suffer the repercussions of the drinking (hangover/feeling more blah).  I just realized, on a walk in the forest with my family, that this is really no way to live and that putting any amount of alcohol in my body was going to keep things exactly as they were.

I just realized I was sick of drinking.

I don't think I had ever come to this conclusion from a sober/rational place. I have always quit in the throws of a hangover and then changed my mind.

I hope it stays this easy.


  1. It's strange, eh? I know exactly how you feel. My best explanation to myself and others is I was "sick and tired of being sick and tired". Like you, I didn't plan on quitting that day. I wasn't hungover. It was unremarkable. No pink cloud. It just happened. Keep blogging. It makes me happy to see another person find peace.

  2. I was sick and tired of being sad and unhappy!
    Happy Almost One Month!!

  3. Yup. I was sick and tired too and knew there had to be something better.
    I just never expected it to be so amazing!
    Congratulations on one month. On we go!