This weekend we are going to a festival in my state which we have been going to for 15 years. This day usually involves getting there around 10:00 and the drinking begins and lasts all day. I try to go slow in the beginning but once my BAC got high enough, I always got that feeling of "I only have 3 hours, 2 hours, 1 hour, 30 minutes left before closing time - I better hurry up and get another beer." It was a day of drinking - like 8 hours and it was one of the only days of the year I could drink all day long as much as I wanted with no guilty feelings bc everyone else was doing it. And I loved it! I lived for the Renaissance Festival! Many times I could barely walk when we left or I was singing super loud in the car all the way home - probably super annoying considering we usually car pool. Many times the party continued once we got home. Everyone else was probably done, but not me - I was like, "What should we do now? Wanna go out to dinner? Go to an amusement part? Get some roadies for the drive home?" I thought I was just the life of the party. Everyone else probably thought I was super annoying and drunk.
Plus we are going with one of my all time favorite drinking buddies. We have a 15 year drinking history and I love drinking with her bc she drinks as much as me lol! She was always right there with me to the very end, getting in that one last drink. Just a couple of middle aged, drunk women, dancing and singing out way out the doors at closing time - out husbands ready to leave long ago. We would say, "This is our day and we are staying until the very end!" Why was it out day? Because we could drink all day, uninhibited as much as we wanted - just feeding the wolf's insatiable thirst.
I am going tomorrow and I am not drinking. I am going to experience it sober. (Wow even writing about quenching the thirst (above) started some cravings and second thoughts - maybe I should start after tomorrow - scary how quickly that little voice can sneak in!!!) Anyway, I am determined to experience everything I used to but without alcohol - not isolate myself like last time. I don't need it to have fun. I can have fun without it, and I sure as hell will feel better Sunday. And I will be super proud of myself.
I told my friend I wasn't drinking - not quite sure what her response would be. I know if I was in her shoes, I would be super disappointed - maybe even a little pissed that she was taking that day away from me. I know - super selfish and stupid - but truthful.
Here was the text string between us last night:
Her
Do you want to ride together Saturday?
Me
Sure. I can drive as I am not drinking.
Her
Are you not drinking at all? I am really struggling right now with that. Hit another rough patch.
Me
Nope...I quit...sick of it...
Her
I hear you! I need to get to that point. I feel like I am the all or nothing point. And right now it seems like "all" - so much emotional eating and drinking.
Me
I just got to a point (depressed/bad anxiety/not sleeping) when sober. The only thing that made me feel better was drinking which wasn't even fun anymore. I kept using what was making me sick to try to feel better. So much bullshit. I have just wasted too many years trying to be a "normal" drinker. I am just not wired that way anymore.
Her
I am exactly at that place! Using...knowing it is what makes me feel worse and then using it to make me feel better and then feeling worse, etc. etc.
Me
Cycle of addiction...totally sucks! I am 100% addicted to alcohol. It has messed up my brain to the point that I am having a hard time finding joy in everyday life. Drinking is the problem. I drink 2 days a week but it kicks my ass every single day. I am sick of poisoning myself.
Her
Totally makes sense. I go through periods when I am in total control and then periods of binging. The binging far outweighs the periods of being in control. Even though I am not drinking as much as I used to, the effects are far more impactful. Anxiety, depression, irritability, lack of motivation, no joy!
Me
All caused by alcohol. It changes the neurotransmitters in the brain. Repairable but only if I stop causing the damage. I have been doing a lot of reading about it.
Her
I would love to read some of the literature you have. I need a good kick in the butt. You know the mind games. How you talk yourself in and out of it day in and day out.
Me
That is the bullshit addictive voice. (And then I told about the three books I have read)
Wow! That went better than I thought. We'll see how she does tomorrow. I don't care it she drinks. I am not going to make her feel guilty or lecture her or act superior in my sobriety. But I will show her I can have fun without it and be there for her in her own struggles.
That was a great conversation with her.
ReplyDeleteI know when I talked to my drinking buddy about quitting, they couldn't imagine life without drinking.
But the important thing is to take care of yourself, as you have no control over her, as you said.
Be ready to have some good sober drinks picked out, and some fun food.
Focus on the food, the acts, the colors!
xo
Wendy
I have to keep reminding myself that...the most important thing is doing what is best for me even other people don't like it.
DeleteI am going to eat everything I want!!! Better than booze!
A sense a different tone in your post today. Positive, strong. You're not over analyzing. You're not bartering. I like how your approaching tomorrow...one foot in front of the other. Virtual "pat on the back"!
ReplyDeleteThanks for pointing that out. I have been thinking about how I need to focus less of the past and why I drink so much and focus more on the present and the future and how grateful I am not to be drinking. You, as usual, saw where I was coming from :)
DeleteEncourage her not to drink if she suggests it. Agree to be sober and fun together.
ReplyDeleteShe could probably use the support. Maybe this is your chance to find a Sober connection.
You may find being open and honest with her the start of something important.
She seems to be super receptive to it. She even asked me again if I had hard copies of the books she could borrow. I have always dreamed of being the inspirational one - the one showing people you don't have to drink to have fun. I know that her asking me about it helps me stay sober - makes me kinda proud of myslef.
DeleteVery brave of you KS and what a great honest start to a tricky venture. The sober vs not, friend & friend, old ways... so many things to play with your head. You will be so proud when you get to the other side xx
ReplyDeleteM
My friend and I have been there for each other for so long. Sometimes we drift apart, usually bc one of us is drinking less, but we know we can count on each other. She was the only person I was honest with about my drinking many years ago, probably bc she has the same problem. I always saw her as worse than me. She probably saw the opposite.
Delete