7/5/17 (Wed) - Obsessed with past reflection

I am obsessed with going back in my posts to see how bad it was. Somehow it makes me grateful I did not drink on the 4th.  I know it would be better to focus on the here and now, stop obsessing with my blog, get up, work out...but whatever - it is interesting how long I have truly suffered. I am so glad to be done with it.

July 2016

It is so difficult to come back to my blog when I have written for days or maybe even weeks about not drinking and then drink.  It just seems so humiliating and embarrassing and hard to deal with.  It is easier to just keep getting through my day without thinking about it - without looking at it. 

It hasn't been a complete fail.  I have only drank on the weekends, have taken my naltrexone every time and not overdone it, but I don't feel great.  It just seems that no matter how much I drink, it just kind of dulls my life in general.  I just seem to be more tired, emotional, numb. - and I'm talking about when I am sober.  Does that make sense?  It is hard to explain. I just feel like I get to through my day in some sort of distracted, foggy mode.  Like I just am constantly looking around (not literally) so I don't focus on any one thing so I don't have to focus on the ONE thing that I know I should. 

Well, not much else to say.  I feel down, grumpy, tired, blah, unmotivated. I know what I need to do...

July 2015

Went to the mountains
7/3 - 6
7/4 - 8
7/5 - 0 (Hangover)
Back from the mountains
7/6 - 5

60 drinks in 23 days.  That is not OK!  That is not being moderate, getting better, being under control. 

Her is the scariest part of all...yesterday I did not feel well at all because of all the hyper drinking over the weekend.  Not only did I drink a lot, but I get really hyper and loud.  I think I just get exhausted after expending all that energy.  I spent much of the day yesterday sitting on my butt researching kidney pain.  I had the worst pain under my lower right ribs in my back.  I couldn't figure out if it was a muscle, my kidney or my liver.  I'm so paranoid about what alcohol is doing to my body (my organs, my weight, my brain, my hot flashes, lack of sleep) and to my mindset (my depression, anxiety, lack of motivation) that I just feel done with all of it.

Well, 5:00 rolls around and I know there is a half a bottle of wine still in the fridge from the trip.  I am terrible with half finished bottles of wine.  My addicted brain just says, "Just get rid of it so you don't have to think about it - as in drink it - not dump it." 

So I wait for my dh to go upstairs to change his work clothes and fill up my wine glass with the half bottle of wine and quickly get rid of the bottle.  I hear him coming so I seriously chug half the glass, think to myself, "What are you doing?" and dump the other half down the sink.  Well, once I have that alcohol in my system, I have a very hard time saying no to myself.  I proceed to sneak to the garage and pour a Bud Light Razzberita into a glass.  It looks like juice and has a very high alcohol and sugar content.  He won't notice and I will get a lot of bang for my buck (that is a scary realization - that I now choose IPA beers or anything that has a higher alcohol content so I can get buzzed more quickly without people noticing how much I am drinking).  I seriously considered pouring some vodka into my seltzer water, but that would be ridiculous..that would mean I really have a problem - haha.

This is the scariest part - I do this 3 more times.  I have some kind of frantic, can't get enough, feeling.  Just one more....ok we have to sneak to the garage, pretend I am taking some recycling out, open it there so no one hears the can open, pour it in real quick, put the can in recycling, get back in the house and put my drink right next to the real juice I am drinking and no one is the wiser.

Why did I say "We have to go to the garage" ? It's almost like my addiction is a separate entity that is speaking to me.  Like a child trying to convince me to give in.  Weird?

What am I doing?  Why and I acting like this?  I was scared and felt crappy all day?  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I control this?