This holiday has always meant alcohol to me since as long as I can remember. Neighborhood parties where everyone was drinking, kids playing and having fun, fireworks, bonfires in the streets. It was always just another excuse to drink. Not today :) . We do have a neighborhood party but as everyone has to work tomorrow it may be pretty low key. If dh wants to go, I will go with him. I am not going to do anything differently this time in terms of isolating myself. I think that contributed to my relapse after 255 days. I just stayed in this place of deprivation and loneliness and pity and anger that I couldn't drink. This Naked Mind helped me realize that I need to approach sobriety differently. Instead of thinking "I can't drink", I need to thing "I am so glad I am not drinking". Instead of focusing on the two things I won't be experiencing (the buzz and the fitting in), I need to focus on the positives of being sober (a clear mind, remaining in control of myself, not embarrassing myself, having real social connections and conversations, being proud of myself, having my kids be proud of me for keeping my commitment and not having a hangover tomorrow). If I start to have a craving (which I don't think is likely) I will leave and come home. I plan on bringing root beer (my treat as I never drink soda but better for me than beer) to drink in a plastic cup. Maybe nobody will notice I am not drinking. If they do I will just tell them I am taking a break. If they press further, I will say that I feel better when I don't drink.
Also, the drinking dreams have started. The last two nights, I have had cravings in my dreams but did not give in.
Hi KS
ReplyDeleteCongratulations to you and your resolve right now - I hear 4th July is a big deal in the US x
I had a dream last night that I was having a wine, I remember thinking hey I don't drink do I? And then this voice said yeah it's ok sometimes, remember? I didn't so was a bit confused and then woke up.
When we make a major change in our life if is really normal to take it to our sleep. Breakups, jobs, kids, worries it all comes into our subconscious and I really believe we are not the product of our dreams and they are just a part of our healing process.
Damit! I wish I would stop dreaming about being husband-less!!
Michelle xxx
It is a big deal here! For many adults (including myself in the past) - an excuse to get drunk and blow stuff up.
DeleteHappy 4th of July. I hope you enjoyed the root beer.
ReplyDeleteI actually had grapefruit Italian soda. It had a bit of a bite which kink of made me feel like I was having a cocktail - it might be my go to.
DeleteLast night we just watched fireworks in the backyard with our neighbors. I'd had feelings of missing out and being deprived earlier in the day, but I was soooo glad I was sober later in the evening. A few months ago I drank too much and was sitting on their front porch running my mouth and dominating the conversation. It was nice to just have a normal chat while their son lit sparklers and ran around the yard. They mentioned last year and said "don't you remember?" a few times. I have a vague recollection of carrying a plastic cup full of wine across the street to another neighbor's yard but have no idea what I'd been blabbing and going on about. Last night was much better. I hope yours was too!!
ReplyDeleteI hate the phrase, "don't you remember?"!! When people say that to me, I do vaguely remember, but I wouldn't have if they wouldn't have said anything and then I feel like an idiot. I remember everything in the last 2 weeks :).
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