Sunday, August 28, 2011

Well . . . .

I had one beer last night.  We went out with a bunch of friends for dinner and everyone was drinking.  I thought about it and decided to have one.  It really wasn't very good.  I didn't even finish it.  The waiter accidently brought one extra on his trip back with round two for everyone else.  I said I would take it.  I don't know why.  I guess I am just so used to be being glad that everyone else was having two so that I could.  Habits . . . Well, I only drank a third of that one.  It tasted better than the first, but for some reason I just didn't want any more.  In the past, I would have drank both of them and then talked everyone in to continuing the party back at home with some wine.

I am not happy with myself that I had one beer, but I am also not all that angry at myself either.  I really liked the fact that I could stop at the one and really didn't even want any more.  I don't know what will happen next.  I still really want to live a predominately sober lifestyle.  I don't want to drink during the week, alone, or during the day.  I am tired of it consuming my every thought.  I want to be able to have a glass of wine or a beer on a special occasion with friends.  That is what I did last night.  And now I won't drink again until another special occasion - and that does not count just being a Friday or Saturday night.

I am also starting to notice that I think I was one of the major contributors to why the women in the neighborhood drank so much.  Now that I have calmed down and reduced my drinking, I think everyone else has as well, at least in public.  I know many of them are still drinking (probably over drinking) every evening.  It is interesting what you actually notice when you are sober.  When I was the party girl on the weekends, everything would just go by in a hyper blur.  I wonder how many people thought I was a total idiot.  I just thought I was the fun girl everyone wanted to be around.  Maybe they were either laughing at me of looked at me to make themselves feel better about their own drinking.  I will not be that person anymore. I want to be one of the calm women, looking at the crazy, drinking women, thinking - I used to be like that.  That really got old after awhile.  I want to be one of the women having genuine conversations with others - really forming lasting relationships.  Not hiding the next day because I may not remember everything they said to me when we were talking.  Not just flittering around like a hyper social butterfly, only staying with one conversation until I lost interest in it.

I post on mmabsers and am afraid to post - I am afraid I let all of them down.

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