Saturday, August 20, 2011

That little voice ....


I woke up at 6:30 this morning to the sound of that one little bird.   Chirp .... chirp ..... chirp ...... Instead of saying, "Will that stupid thing just just up!  i need just a little more sleep."  I said, "Wow, it is 6:30 on a Saturday and I don't feel hungover, depressed, mad, anxious, embarrassed.  i am going to be one of those people who get up, open the windows and enjoy the weekend morning!"  BTW - I love birds - just not with a HO!

That being said,  last night was not super easy.  Things were kind of working in my favor.  I did avoid the after school FAC.  I don't think many people went, which helped. Everyone wasn't bugging me about going.  It was not a beautiful, sit on the porch, chill kind of Friday afternoon.  it was kind on rainy and gloomy - thank you God :) .  My drinking friend didn't call - I told her I was laying low this weekend. But ... my dh had a couple of friends over and we watched a movie.  They brought this really good home brew.  I am kind of a beer snob and this stuff is good.  I did have one drink to taste it.  He asked me if I wanted to, and I didn't want to bring attention to the fact that I wasn't drinking.  First off, the smell was repulsive - just the smell of everyone drinking beer around me.  I had a taste - amazing!  then something happened...I wanted another I had one (just a drink out of dh husbands glass). I contemplated having one glass of beer.  And then my mind went to the next night and having just one glass of wine....what could it hurt? Interesting how I could be so determined the whole week and then just one little whisper from that voice and i second guess all of my sobriety goals.   I did not give in to that "little voice" (thank goodness), but I did pay attention to it. 

I am learning that I can't just push the thoughts out of my head and dismiss/ignore them.  I need to deal with them and make conscious decisions about what I choose to do.  Funny how it tries to sneak back in and get you to drink.  I am trying to come up with a clever little name for this voice that is almost child like .... I want what I want and I want it now ..... and I don't care what you (the rational voice in my head) thinks!

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