Monday, August 15, 2011

Saturday, August 13, 2011 - still ..... l lot of thinking today/joined mm

I have now joined a list called mmabsers.  It is part of the mm group - but people focussing on absing as opposed to moderating.  This is a response posted to that group after an unbelievable show of support.  

Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  The response and support I already feel from this group is amazing.  I don't ever want to down the mm list - they have gotten me this far over the past year and are an amazing group of people.  However, I feel something different here - a sense of peace, contentment, happiness - the mm list has more of a sense of struggle, conflict (with oneself), ups and downs, highs and lows FOR ME. Maybe this is just where I feel more comfortable right now.  I am tired of the struggle, the obsession, the mental, physical, emotional time that I spend on this one area of my life that seems to effect all other areas.

I think it was Mike (the support he has shown has been invaluable) that said - it doesn't matter how much you drink, when you drink, what you drink - it matters what it makes you feel like on the inside.  That struck home - thank you!  For so long I have been trying to categorize, qualify, rationalize - I don't drink every day, I don't drink until the evening, and I only drink beer and wine - therefore - what is the problem?  The problem is - I never, ever feel good on the inside - no matter when, how often or how much.  Last night I only had 2 beeers - no big deal - waited until after 8, only drank beer and only had two.  No big deal right?  Wrong!  I woke up in the middle of the night feeling extremely upset at myself, heart beating, sweating, anxious - it was not the alcohol itself - it was how I felt on the inside about breaking yet another promise to myself.

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