8/12/11 (Fri) Feeling Lost

The only word I can use to describe myself today is lost.  I just don't know what I want.  Do I abstain forever (that sounds awesome, peaceful, calm, my true self ..... but scary, sad, boring, risk of failing)?  Do I moderate (that sounds awesome, balanced, included, social, fun  ......  but maybe unachievable, risk of failure/hangover/self hatred/ruined relationships)?  Do I not change anything and just stop worrying about it (sounds the easiest, but I know in my heart that will not turn out good in the end)?

When I feel like this I distract myself with searching around on the internet.  I am fascinated my Audrey Kishline.  I didn't know anything about her, but just happened to come across her name while reading blogs.  She is the founder of mm.  She truly believed that she could moderate.  She is responsible for the deaths of a father and daughter in a drunk driving accident.  From what I read, she wasn't a skid row drunk.  She drank 2-4 glasses of wine a night and binged on the weekends.  She never drove drunk .... until that night.  I could really relate to her and her story.

There were 2 comments in the article that really made me think.  One was that she said her biggest flaw was "self-deception".  The other was that in a way she had come up with the idea of mmm just to rationalize, give her an excuse to drink.  The whole - I can control it ....  I am not one of "those" people thinking.

In my mind, she wasn't a fake - just in the world of denial of an addict.

I think I may also be in that place .....

This is her story:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14627442/ns/dateline_nbc/t/road-recovery/#.TkU_7c0Ym1w