Sunday, December 25, 2011

Worried about tomorrow

Well, this Christmas wasn't that great.  I had a major HO from last night.  It took me half the day to even function.  I remember last year when this happened I snuck Kahlula in my coffee which I NEVER do.  I do not drink in the morning, but I just thought, "Oh well, people say it makes you feel better and it is Christmas morning.  I will do so much better after this."  Well, this morning I did not put anything in my coffee, but I am not only not any better than last year - I think I am worse.  I think that my bingeing has gotten more severe and more regular.  It is almost as if after one drink, I lose all sense of even thinking about it.  Even before I get the buzz, I have given up and said, "Screw it!  I am drinking tonight."  If it is a weekend night I am either absing or bingeing.  Rarely can I moderate on the weekend.  My numbers look better, but I am worse.  I am also getting much meaner and louder when I drink.  I get defensive, arrogant, loud, dominate and I am sure irritating.  I remember seeing my dad act like that when I was little.  I also remember many holidays that ended with family fight and my mom crying.  I could never understand why he would chose alcohol over his kids, but really that is what I am doing now.  Do I go to jail? No.  Do I get DUIs? No.  Do I lose my job? No.  but I am losing precious time with my kids every time i am hiding from a hangover which has been 4 days in the last 8.  That is pretty sad.

Tomorrow i want to abs.  I want to abs for the rest of my life.  I want to be the one telling people how peaceful it is.  I want to me the role model, the one everyone looks up to.

But...tomorrow is going to be really rough.  We are doing our family Christmas at my house.  I am cooking a big dinner and everyone is coming over.  This has always spelled disaster for me.  I love to have people over while I am cooking, share some wine, have a few laughs, eat a nice dinner with more wine. But that is where it ends up stopping for most people.  I on the other hand am looking for that last bottle of wine, making sure I get "my share" before it is gone.  And if it is gone, I switch to beer. Everyone else has long since stopped drinking, but I am still at it which leads to the HO and self hatred the next day.

I am not ready to tell everyone, at least not tomorrow, but it is going to be really difficult to fake.  How do I get through all of it without drinking and not having anyone notice?  I have to even go buy the wine for tomorrow.  I am really worried about tomorrow.

2 comments:

  1. Hey, just look after yourself, go easy. You'll get there. It's really hard to say goodbye to our dear friend wine but girl, that wine ain't worth shit and removing it can be done. It does take some retraining of the brain but you can do it! Christmas probably isn't the time however with all the bollocks that goes along with it. You'll know when you're ready. Sending love xxx

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  2. You need to read Mrs D's Final Christmas Blog, she shows you how it's done. She did it and you can too.

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