Day 5

This morning I woke up and had a mini anxiety attack.  My first thought was, "What have you done???  You have just told your family you have a drinking problem!!! What were you thinking????  Now you are really stuck!  Maybe you should have waited few more days, when the hangover/depression/self hatred were gone.  Maybe then you would have reconsidered and not said anything."  I really was mad at myself that I said anything because no what if I want to drink?  Now what?  Now it would just be a mess?

Then I started having a conversation with myself about whether or not I have a drinking problem.  I started going back in my head the last twenty years and all the things that might prove to myself I actually have a problem. This is what I came up with:

In my 20's
*Throwing up in some strangers house plant after having way to much at an open bar wedding
*Being escorted out of a bar through the back door bc I couldn't get off the toilet to walk
*Driving or being driven when I had absolutely no business doing so
*Having parties at my house every weekend so I had a safe place to drink
*Falling out of the bathroom stall on roller skates with my pant down
*Jumping fences to sneak into swimming pools in the middle of the night and running form the police who were trying to catch us - lucky we didn't drown
*Having every weekend preoccupied with alcohol and being really pissed if anything got in my way

In my 30's
(did have two brief period of being "good" - pregnancies/quitting smoking)
*Realizing that I just moved into a "party" neighborhood
*Drinking too much at every single neighborhood get together and swearing I would do better next time
*Throwing up at a New Years Eve party at my house and in bed by 9:00 - trashed
*Falling in the street in the middle of the night by myself walking home from a neighbors house
*Driving my kids home one night from my sister when I HAD NO BUSINESS DRIVING - swearing if *I just got home safe with no dui I would quit - that was probably 7 years ago
*Getting wasted at a baby shower (when no one else was) - walking through the kitchen finishing  everyone else glasses of wine when no one was looking!
*Throwing up out the car window (husband was driving) while my kids were in the car
*Having to have my sister come pick up my kids from a restaurant once bc I wasn't done and wanted to
go out with our friends
*Having many, many, drama filled/alcohol fueled vacations with extended family (yelling, screaming,    crying, etc)

In my 40's
*Repeatedly having to get up and leave unexpectedly from functions, stumble home and get to bed
*Getting wasted at chili cook-offs, neighborhood parties, weekends, etc.
*No longer going to the gym or eating healthy - too exhausted
*Getting trashed in front of my kids - they are now old enough to realize
*Picking fights with husband or even my dear kids when drunk
*Creating bad days/weeks just for an excuse to drink
*Almost driving in a ditch close to my house coming home from a FAC work party
*Making a fool at myself at a work function at a bar throwing popcorn
*Acting like an idiot singing Karoeke at a bar with work friends
*Drinking during the day on vacations or "special occasions"
*Not being able to attend any function without eventually drinking
*Drinking wine during the week
*Having a neighbor call you a drunk (coming from a drunk who was drunk)
*Stumbling home from a neighbors, stepping in the mud, passing out in bed  fully clothed with a muddy foot
*Sneaking drinks when no one was looking
*Multiple days wasted with hangovers - always swearing I will do better
*Mental anguish/torment ALL DAY/EVERY DAY

I don't drink during the week, I don't drink during the day, I don't drink hard alcohol but obviously

I HAVE A PROBLEM AND NEED TO STOP!!!!