Thursday, December 29, 2011

Day 5

This morning I woke up and had a mini anxiety attack.  My first thought was, "What have you done???  You have just told your family you have a drinking problem!!! What were you thinking????  Now you are really stuck!  Maybe you should have waited few more days, when the hangover/depression/self hatred were gone.  Maybe then you would have reconsidered and not said anything."  I really was mad at myself that I said anything because no what if I want to drink?  Now what?  Now it would just be a mess?

Then I started having a conversation with myself about whether or not I have a drinking problem.  I started going back in my head the last twenty years and all the things that might prove to myself I actually have a problem. This is what I came up with:

In my 20's
*Throwing up in some strangers house plant after having way to much at an open bar wedding
*Being escorted out of a bar through the back door bc I couldn't get off the toilet to walk
*Driving or being driven when I had absolutely no business doing so
*Having parties at my house every weekend so I had a safe place to drink
*Falling out of the bathroom stall on roller skates with my pant down
*Jumping fences to sneak into swimming pools in the middle of the night and running form the police who were trying to catch us - lucky we didn't drown
*Having every weekend preoccupied with alcohol and being really pissed if anything got in my way

In my 30's
(did have two brief period of being "good" - pregnancies/quitting smoking)
*Realizing that I just moved into a "party" neighborhood
*Drinking too much at every single neighborhood get together and swearing I would do better next time
*Throwing up at a New Years Eve party at my house and in bed by 9:00 - trashed
*Falling in the street in the middle of the night by myself walking home from a neighbors house
*Driving my kids home one night from my sister when I HAD NO BUSINESS DRIVING - swearing if *I just got home safe with no dui I would quit - that was probably 7 years ago
*Getting wasted at a baby shower (when no one else was) - walking through the kitchen finishing  everyone else glasses of wine when no one was looking!
*Throwing up out the car window (husband was driving) while my kids were in the car
*Having to have my sister come pick up my kids from a restaurant once bc I wasn't done and wanted to
go out with our friends
*Having many, many, drama filled/alcohol fueled vacations with extended family (yelling, screaming,    crying, etc)

In my 40's
*Repeatedly having to get up and leave unexpectedly from functions, stumble home and get to bed
*Getting wasted at chili cook-offs, neighborhood parties, weekends, etc.
*No longer going to the gym or eating healthy - too exhausted
*Getting trashed in front of my kids - they are now old enough to realize
*Picking fights with husband or even my dear kids when drunk
*Creating bad days/weeks just for an excuse to drink
*Almost driving in a ditch close to my house coming home from a FAC work party
*Making a fool at myself at a work function at a bar throwing popcorn
*Acting like an idiot singing Karoeke at a bar with work friends
*Drinking during the day on vacations or "special occasions"
*Not being able to attend any function without eventually drinking
*Drinking wine during the week
*Having a neighbor call you a drunk (coming from a drunk who was drunk)
*Stumbling home from a neighbors, stepping in the mud, passing out in bed  fully clothed with a muddy foot
*Sneaking drinks when no one was looking
*Multiple days wasted with hangovers - always swearing I will do better
*Mental anguish/torment ALL DAY/EVERY DAY

I don't drink during the week, I don't drink during the day, I don't drink hard alcohol but obviously



  1. Congratulations to FIVE days of sobriety! And you have already taken such great steps, big warm hug to you!

  2. Hey just reading back through your posts since Christmas, been away. So great that you're doing it! Yay!! I did a couple of lists like this too, guilty reminders of all my tragic drunken stories. After having listed them out they still come back to me now quite easily which is great when my brain tries to forget why I needed to stop drinking, it's a good idea. xxx