Sunday, December 25, 2011
12/25/11 (Sun) Why??? I am a failure
so after everything I posted yesterday....I drank last night...I wanted to have a HO free Christmas day...and it is not! i don't know what is wrong with me! I just can't seem to say no when it is offered...no matter how convinced I was that morning that I wasn't going to drink. I want soooooooo badly to be able to say, "I have been sober since Christmas day 2011." But I just know I will fail...i always fail...i am tired of failing...
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Taking that total step of sobriety is indeed very scary! What I do, is that I never think in those terms - total sobriety, or to never ever again having another drink.
ReplyDeleteI am a free person and can drink as much as I please, whenever I want! But for today, I choose not to drink. I am well aware that it's all or nothing for me. I cannot just have one or two drinks - I drink until I drop. And then I drink some more.
Of course I can drink tomorrow, but I pray that I wake up sober and that I again choose to wander through another day without drinking. Then sobriety isn't so overwhelming.
I've been reading some of your posts and I completely recognize myself in what you write... My heart aches for you, in your struggle against the alcohol. When reading your blog it reminds me of how it is when I'm the aboulic puppet on a string controlled by the alcohol. And I'm thinking, I do NOT ever want to go back!
Yet it's frightingly easy to relapse, but by god - I will fight and struggle for every single day of sobriety. I plead to myself... keep moving forward - away from the alcohol. I want to put as many sober days as possible between me and the last day that I drank.
You know what... I basically need to hit rock bottom for me to become sober. I've never been able to stop drinking by pure will. Nor without help. I keep drinking until I've completely drowned the essence of what is me. And as I find myself to be a living dead, fueled by alcohol - THAT's when I crawl out of my lair, to seek out help.
I've only had two weeks of sobriety now, but it feels really good. Sometimes I crave for alcohol, I probably always will. Because I am and will always be an alcoholic. But I'm convinced I will become somewhat easier with time. And now at least I have enough strenght to say no to alcohol. The more sober I get, the more I pay attention to life and living. And alcohol becomes a secondary part of my life.
Keep writing your blog and never give up! Fight with your alcoholic self and keep wishing for sobriety. One day, I know you will find the courage to try it out.
Lots of love to you, from one alkie to another :) And Merry Christmas, take care!
"The living dead" the very words I used so many times to describe myself and I had no idea how dead I was. I do now that I am alive again. I don't want to kill myself again.
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