Thursday, December 29, 2011

End of Day 5

My heart is beating so fast and I am so exhausted.  I am sure it is still withdrawals and the anxiety of all the new decisions.  I am emotionally drained.  It has been a rough couple of days.  What I am thinking about right now is how I stopped smoking.  I tried and tried and tried for probably 10 years on and off and 2 years seriously.  When i was serious, I would wake up, tell myself I wasn't smoking that day and go to work.  I would create chaos in my day so that I could say, "Well that was a bad day.  I need a cigarette!"  Then I would struggle with that decision for about two hours and eventually go buy a pack.  As soon as I had the first one, I said, "Screw it!  Now I might as well make the most out of it, smoke as many as I can, throw the rest away and then start again tomorrow."  I did this over and over and over - probably 3 times a week for 2 years!  Then one day I wanted one so bad, was presented with the situation to have one with no pressure not to.  It was truly my choice.  I walked around outside for 2 hours - literally yelling at myself - having a battle with myself!  I know it sounds crazy and I really am not crazy!  That was the day I truly quit.  I had a couple of relapses after that but never was fully engaged in the addiction again.  To stop, I had to completely become a hermit for 6 months.  I couldn't do anything, see anyone, participate in life at all.  I went to work and to the gym.  That was it.  Then, after 6 months, it started to get easier.  I started to feel better - day by day I felt better.  I still had to avoid any smoking situations for another year, but I didn't feel like I was going to die.  Eventually, I didn't even want one.  I had learned to live life without it.  Now, I could be drunk (well not really that anymore either) and in a smoky bar and not even have the urge.  This gives me hope.  I know that this is going to be really hard, but it can't be harder than cigarettes.  I did that.  I can do this!

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