Thursday, December 29, 2011
End of Day 5
My heart is beating so fast and I am so exhausted. I am sure it is still withdrawals and the anxiety of all the new decisions. I am emotionally drained. It has been a rough couple of days. What I am thinking about right now is how I stopped smoking. I tried and tried and tried for probably 10 years on and off and 2 years seriously. When i was serious, I would wake up, tell myself I wasn't smoking that day and go to work. I would create chaos in my day so that I could say, "Well that was a bad day. I need a cigarette!" Then I would struggle with that decision for about two hours and eventually go buy a pack. As soon as I had the first one, I said, "Screw it! Now I might as well make the most out of it, smoke as many as I can, throw the rest away and then start again tomorrow." I did this over and over and over - probably 3 times a week for 2 years! Then one day I wanted one so bad, was presented with the situation to have one with no pressure not to. It was truly my choice. I walked around outside for 2 hours - literally yelling at myself - having a battle with myself! I know it sounds crazy and I really am not crazy! That was the day I truly quit. I had a couple of relapses after that but never was fully engaged in the addiction again. To stop, I had to completely become a hermit for 6 months. I couldn't do anything, see anyone, participate in life at all. I went to work and to the gym. That was it. Then, after 6 months, it started to get easier. I started to feel better - day by day I felt better. I still had to avoid any smoking situations for another year, but I didn't feel like I was going to die. Eventually, I didn't even want one. I had learned to live life without it. Now, I could be drunk (well not really that anymore either) and in a smoky bar and not even have the urge. This gives me hope. I know that this is going to be really hard, but it can't be harder than cigarettes. I did that. I can do this!