Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Reflections of yesterday and worry for NYE

Well, I am pretty tired today even though I did not drink.  i did not sleep well which is par for the course on Day 3.  Hot flashes, freezing, restless, etc.  I did go to yoga this morning and am very proud of myself for yesterday but am now worried about New Year's Eve.  What am I going to do?  I am helping to plan the party.  I can't just bail without telling people why.  I don't want to tell people why right now.  Maybe my sister (which I did not have a chance to tell yesterday bc everyone was around) but not the whole neighborhood.  Part of my just thinks it isn't their business and I really don't want to go into it.  Maybe I will go and fake it - carry around a red cup with water.  Maybe I will go help set up and then "disappear" back to the safety of my own home.  Maybe I will just be there, have a good time and just tell people I am taking a break from leaving and just leave it at that.  I am not sure yet, but I do know that I will not drink.  I did not get through my first ever Christmas day dinner, that I cooked no less, just to blow it on New Year's Eve.  It is just another 24 hours.  All of my enjoyment, fun, laughter, sense of belonging should not be wrapped up in such a destructive beverage.

One other reflection from yesterday was that after the initial panic/anxiety attack of not being able to drink, when I look back at it, it seems like it was much less chaotic of a day than it would have been with that constant wine buzz that I would have maintained most of the day.  Made dinner (no big deal), ate dinner (no big deal), cleaned up dinner (no big deal), watched the kids open presents (not big deal), watched a movie (no big deal) and went to bed.  Woke up proud of myself with no HO - BIG DEAL!! It seems like it was calmer in my own head, quieter, less chaotic.  I was much less reactionary to everyone around me.

Maybe the holidays (and everything in my life for that matter) have been more about the anticipation of being able to drink than looking forward to the actual event. Hmmmmm.....

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