Nervous

I am going to try to post every day for a while.  Yesterday was terrible.  HO....felt awful...did nothing...wasted the day....ate plenty of crap food...beat myself up for most of the day regarding my behavior on Thursday night.....BUT......I also joined Women For Sobriety.  I have to get approval and then I am going to see if there is any local meetings.  This is a HUGE step for me - to bring my "issues"off my computer, out of my study, out of my head.  I feel like I have been hiding my problem for so long, thinking that I will just try harder this time.  No one will know I had a problem (haha - I'm sure people thought things Thursday night), I will just fix it quietly by myself.

I am going to be 44 years old and have spent 25 adult years in this relationship with alcohol.  Not always bad - we have had some good times together.  I could always turn to my buddy beer or wine to make me more relaxed, funny, fun, happy, outgoing, daring, party girl that everyone wanted around.  It has been a pretty great ride, but things have changed between me and alcohol.  My "friend" now lures me in with ever increasing pressure, allows me a little fun just to get things started and then completely takes control of me.

I lose ME.  I become the me that is swimming in a pool of rapidly increasing intoxication.  I don't like that me anymore.  I am tired of that me.  I have been that me for 25 years.  It can't ever be like it was when I was in my 20s or 30s.  Unfortunately for my relationship with alcohol, things have to change.  I am beginning to understand the idea of moderating being harder than abstaining.  Trust me - I have tried to moderate on and off for 15 years, pretty hard for the last two.  It is VERY hard to moderate (for me - the binge drinker) - obviously - I have not been very successful.  I have done great with the daily drinking, but given the social nature of my personality I can not moderate on the weekends if I put that first drink to my lips.  My "friend" alcohol has me in her grasp saying, "OK now your talking...I knew I could get you one more time .... now let's have some fun.  I love hanging out with you... you are the best....we have so much fun together...don't think about tomorrow...live in the moment....have fun now!"

I don't want to live the second half of my adult life like this.  I also am well aware that if I continue down this path things will not get better, and they will also not stay the same.  I have enough alcoholics in my family to know that they WILL inevitably get worse.  this disease is progressive.

Alcohol is just a stupid drug and I, my friend, am a drug addict.  Wow!  I can't believe I just wrote that!  My fingers seem to be typing on their own.  Ever heard of "Conversations with God?"  I have to get out before something bad happens.  I have to lift the fog of this DISEASE!  I have to become the person I am meant to be in this life.  I have to CHOOSE not to let this stupid drug have control over me any longer!