Saturday, December 3, 2011

Outer me vs. inner me

I read this "morning blessing" and thought about what I truly want in my heart (sobriety) and the conflict I seem to be having with this when it comes to the "outer" me.  There is the me who wants to stay home, be calm and peaceful. There is also the me that wants to still connect with people (that has always meant with alcohol in the past), go out, have fun, be part of the group, not feel left out or different.  Right now I can't do both - it is either one or the other.  I know it will come - but right now it is a struggle.

Often it is very hard to realize that I am one. The outer life seems utterly outer. It seems a part of a separate order. It is made up of the things I do, of my relationship of one kind or another with work, play, job, people, and things. The standard by which the outer is judged tends to be an artificial standard, made up of that which is convenient, practical, expedient. The outer seems public, it seems ever to be an external net of physical relationships.
The inward sanctuary is my sanctuary. It is the place where I keep my trust with all my meanings and my values. It is the quiet place where the ultimate issues of my life are determined. What I know of myself, my meaning; what I know of God, His meaning; all this, and much more, is made clear in my secret place. It seems strangely incongruous, often, to bring into my secret place the rasping, gritty noises of my outer life. Again, this may be for me merely an alibi. For I know that in the searching light of my inward sanctuary all the faults, limitations and evil of my outer life stand clearly revealed for what they are.

I determine to live the outer life in the inward sanctuary. The outer life must find its meaning, the source of its strength in the inward sanctuary. As this is done, the gulf between outer and inner will narrow and my life will be increasingly whole and of one piece. What I do in the outer will be blessed by the holiness of the inward sanctuary; for indeed it shall all be one.
from Meditations of the Heart by Howard Thurman, pg.173

1 comment:

  1. Feliz Navidad Mi Amiga! I hope you are staying warm. The cap'n is back in CO working through Christmas and I am trying not to gloat about working on my tan when I call him. Have a wonderful, restful Christmas!