Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Day 3 comes to a close

As Day 3 comes to a close, I feel tired but restless, agitated, shaky on the inside, headachy - I know after many Day 3's this is to be expected.  I spent many years just thinking I was grumpy for now apparent reason and just waited for the weekend to come so  could have a couple - never really connecting the two together.  At least now I can see al of my withdrawals for what they are.

The next realization that is coming through is that this is not going to be easy - as much resolve as I have right now in Day 3 - as sure as I am that I want to stop drinking - as positive as I am of this decision for so many reasons - it will not stay with me.  Usually by Day 6 (more or less)  my addiction will try to convince me that  am just overreacting, that this is just the latest obession, that my problem isn't that bad, that I am going to try to moderate one more time and if it doesn't work, I will quit forever.  And doesn't it just figure that Day 7 is New year's Eve so I am assuming it will be worse than usual.  I know it will come like a shitstorm trying to ruin the peace that I am trying to make with this.  And I am scared because I have always given in and I have always been so sure on Day 1, 2, 3, 4, .....

Tonight I am going to bed.  Tomorrow I am going to try to write something to myself that I can read when that terrible, convincing, insidious, unrelenting, never resting voice of addiction returns to my head.  As soon as I start feeling better, it will be back and this time I WILL BE READY!!!

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