I am feeling a bit better today. Still tired and a bit out of it but feel like I can do something with my day other than watch tv and sit on my computer.
I was going back in my blog this morning to see how long it took me to feel better on some of my other attempts at sobriety. Holy Shit!!!! It has gotten so bad so many time over the past 6 years that I have been blogging
For example:
1/5/15
http://searchingforbalance11.blogspot.com/2015/01/dingdingdinground.html
1/2/14
http://searchingforbalance11.blogspot.com/2014/01/wellhere-goesagain.html
I forget how bad it has been for so long. I am also finding that going back into my blog is kind of depressing me. Although I know that blogging helps me because writing helps me process, I also feel like sometimes I am just circling/swirling around and around in a bunch of the same old bullshit not really getting anywhere.
I am going to do it this time. It is time. It is time to climb out of the shit and find a new way to live. I have been blogging the same thing over and over and over for 6 years. How can I possibly try to convince myself that this time would be any different? That I could successfully moderate? I have been trying for 10 years - writing about it for 6. How many more years am I going to waste? How many more years am I going to sacrifice to alcohol? How may more years am I going to let it rob me of my happiness? How many more years am I going to remain a slave to an addictive drug I keep putting in my body?
The answer is 0! I will not give alcohol that kind of power over me for one more year, one more month, one more day, one more hour, one more minute, one more second! I am sick of swirling around in the toilet bowel of my life. Time to climb out and flush the toilet.
I will be the sober person who does not lecture other people but leads by example. They will see that I am happy and content and at peace with choosing not to drink. I will be proud of me and continue to take steps forward - always forward. No longer drinking just bc I think I can moderate and eventually taking 10/15/20 steps backwards. I will only move forward, be patient, fight like hell against that inner addicted voice that will tell me to try again to moderate, and finally find that true peaceful happiness that only sobriety will give me.
PS - Hey Kary May - I noticed that you have been commenting on my blog since the very beginning! You have no idea how much that means to me. You have stuck it out with me - encouraging me, being a little hard on me (which is ok) and always being an inspiration for me. We would have been in about the same spot if I would have quit and stayed quit when you did.
Also to Anne and Wendy and Michelle and Brian all of the rest of you who comment on a regular basis - you have no idea how much it means to me (someone who is afraid to get outside help) to have support online. You guys are like my lifeline for hope.
I didn't know if you guys realized how much you really do help me. Hopefully someday I will have my shit together enough to also comment on people's blogs to encourage them and help them get through the day. I want to be in your shoes, sober and happy and able to share that with others who are struggling as I have been for far too long.
I'm right there with you! Ten years ago I decided to "do something about my drinking," and have been "doing something" off and on for...a whole decade. I'll rack up some significant sober days...weeks! Months! Yayyyy me! Then ka-pflooie, a party, a celebration, a day of "oh, why not...?" and here I am, right back at Day One. Perhaps the last one, though! Hope so, for both of us, stranger!
ReplyDeleteI am determined to do it this time. I am so sick of living in this hell hole. Maybe we can support each other.
DeleteSuch a great post, again! I'm at Day 124 today. I commented on your blog last week. I love the blogs! They have helped me so much! I want to blog too, maybe, not quite ready for that yet. I scour them and find great comfort in them knowing many others are like us, can't moderate! No control. One's too many and a hundred's not enough. I feel sooooo much better without it but it's not always easy. Social situations can be tough but I'm super proud of myself and you will be too! I can really relate to your writings. I too am trying to be the example and not the lecturer. It is simply appalling the way a lot of people respond when they find out I'm not drinking, it's so annoying. I take it in stride as best I can and just smile. I'm very aware of EVERYONE ELSE DRINKING. My husband is still drinking and that is sort of challenging but I am not begrudging him, I quit for ME! Nothing bad is going to happen from giving up alcohol! I've lost 21.5 lbs, wake up fresh & rested everyday, and saved a lot of money too. Keep on blogging and CONGRATULATIONS ON DAY SEVEN! ������������
ReplyDeletesee...it is posts like yours that help me. To hear how much better you feel and the weight you have lost after 124 days is so inspirational to me as I sit at day 8. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It really does help me to move forward.
DeleteGiving up drinking was super scary for me at first.
ReplyDeleteI just did it one day at a time, until I saw that it was going to be okay.
It takes a big leap of faith, but know, it really is worth it.
xo
Wendy
Thank you for constantly reminding me :). It is comforting to know that it was just as scary for others.
DeleteYou encourage me KS - you are a fighter and I really believe in you.
ReplyDeleteI know the time I started to pull away from the blog - thinking "I don't need this" or "I've got this" or "I'll do what I want" and am so glad I came back before I took that drink. I have been so close to almost right back where I started.
Please keep going - fuck the other tries.
They were then.
This is now.
Michelle xxx
Your first sentence means a lot to me. Sometimes I feel like such a failure but you are right - I have not given up! I am determined to no longer fail at this. I will prevail :)
DeleteI hope you know that we all want the best for each other. Each persons journey is different, but underneath we all just want to be loved.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve the peace and serenity that sobriety can bring.
Big hug. Keep going.
Anne
Thank you Anne. It is very difficult to not only give love but to feel love from others when you don't even love yourself.
DeleteIt's impossible. I had no love for myself years ago. I didn't even believe that was possible.
DeleteTurns out it is!
Heres the irony. YOU helped ME quit. Been following your blog for years. When you went sober for 255 days, I told myself "I want that freedom". All that insanity in my life, the hampster wheel...I didn't feel alone. I'm day 241. I am thankful every day. We can do this! I'm so proud of you for picking yourself up and brushing it off. I'm proud of you for not giving up and being honest with yourself. Thank you for helping me.
ReplyDeleteOMG!!! I can't believe you have been reading for that long and that I could have possibly helped anyone. I feel like I have been such a mess for so long. I don't even comment on others blogs bc I don't feel like I have the right to give any sort of advice. You just gave me another reason to quit. If I could ever help anyone with my journey, I would fell so honored. Maybe with my sobriety this time, as long as I keep blogging, I could actually help someone else. Thanks for the words of encouragement. They mean more than you can know.
Delete