I don't have any confidence in myself really in anything anymore. I do a pretty good job of not letting people see this. Most people probably think I am a good mother, wife, sister, friend, daughter, teacher, person but deep down I don't think I am. I don't really accomplish any goals anymore. I just either am excited to drink on the weekends or drag myself through the day. I am always exhausted. I am outwardly positive, confident and brave. Inside I am sensitive, anxious and defeated. I don't have the physical energy to get stuff done and I don't have the mental energy to break through that. I do believe that this inability to believe in myself and what I am capable of is rooted in my time after time after time of failing to honor my promises to myself around alcohol.
I wrote this 6/13/16 and absolutely nothing had changed. I feel exactly the same. So...if I don't change the one thing that is causing the problem, I will be sitting in exactly this same place next year - out of shape, tired, depressed and defeated. My physical exhaustion caused by weekend drinking derails my desire to be productive which contributes to my mood which leads me to drink to elevate my mood temporarily.
The video I listened to today talked about immediate gratification vs long term happiness. I know for 100% certainty that my 6 hours of drinking on a Saturday are not worth the 4 days of exhaustion and depression that follow.
I can't wait for next June's post. Why don't you try writing it right now, as though it was next year already. What do you want to report? What would you like June 9, 2018's post to say.
ReplyDeleteI think that's a great idea. Wrote what you want next June to be.
ReplyDeleteI third the idea!
ReplyDeletexo
I'm not sure if you're familiar with Laura McKowen, she co-hosts the recovery podcast 'Home' along with Holly Whitaker, they both also have blogs. Laura wrote a blog post a while back about how she felt she had lost the ability to manifest change in her life while she was drinking and how it terrified her. Alcohol does take away that confidence. I used to firmly decide I was not going to drink over the weekends and write up long 'to do' lists on Wednesday of things I wanted to accomplish, only to start drinking and accomplish nothing. Friday and Saturday wasted drinking rendered me useless on Sunday and always started my week on a bad note. No cleaning house, no yoga, no hikes, no grocery shopping. Just sickness and lethargy and unhealthy food. Kundalini yoga has helped me realize the energy that still exists within me, and that change is possible. Maybe it could help you as well. It also gives you something else to do on days you might be invited over to a neighbor's for a glass (which for me was never "a glass" lol). Good luck this weekend. Wishing you peace and healing in your spirit.
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing how similar we all are. I could have written this post as that has been my story for years. Alcohol does zap my self confidence and I like the phrase "Lost the ability to manifest change". I might write about that so I don't forget it. As always - nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm going to look for her podcast.
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