Today I listened to Kevin O'Hara's video - Other people don't like that you don't drink
It is so true - you can't live your life based on what other people want. I don't want to use it as an excuse bc I drink bc I want to drink and I am addicted to it, but I do think about how my not drinking alcohol will affect my relationships with others. It was a good reminder that they have no idea what alcohol does to me. It is not the same as what it does to them. They don't know. I have to do what is best for me.
I was thinking about this false sense of control I feel I have bc I don't drink every day - really only 2-3 times a week. Granted when I do drink - when I have alcohol in my body - I absolutely have no control but if I were really that bad I would be drinking every day. But here's the thing I have to remind myself - alcohol negatively affects my life when I do drink it even a couple of days a week - even if I moderate. I am sometimes embarrassed by my behavior while drinking, I suffer debilitating 2-3 day hangovers at least once a month, it makes me feel depressed and anxious for most of the days I'm not drinking, and it keeps me from meeting many of my goals and living up to my potential as a human being.
What, exactly, does it bring into my life in a positive way? Well, it does help me socialize. There is this sense of comradery with my friends when we have a drink together. It just doesn't feel the same or seem as fun with water. I don't want to stop being friends with them. I want everything to stay the same except that I don't drink. I don't know how that is possible.
How do I do that?
I found that my relationships with my closest friends became even closer, in fact, it seemed they were relieved that I quit drinking and were more comfortable and more trusting around me. As for others, acquaintances or workmates that I drank with, I'm sure it would have remained the same if I continued to participate in activities that centered around drinking, I still liked to go out with the gals after work-they drank and I didn't, after a while, they forgot that I wasn't drinking. I just went home sooner, or didn't go with them when they moved on to the next bar. The change I encountered was in making new friends but I blame that on the fact that I don't work anymore and that the expat community I live in during the winter, centers all of its activities in bars. I don't mind that, it's just that when the time rolls around to go out, I'd rather stay home.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the change was more in me, not in my friends. I could have stayed the social butterfly and hung out with the drinking buddies, whether I drank or not, but as I became strong enough to accept myself as someone who didn't really want to act like someone I wasn't, it didn't bother me that I didn't have the numbers of friends/acquaintances as I did before. I still had my friends.
Really? You hung out with all the same people and you felt ok? I realized in my 9 months of sobriety, people really don;t care as much as I thought they did about what I was doing...but you were able to hang with them and feel ok? It didn't tempt you?
DeleteNo, after I finally decided to quit drinking my friends' drinking didn't tempt me and after my first few events where I stayed sober, no one pressured me to drink, instead they supported me. Surprisingly, two of my best friends are natural moderators, I became a lot closer to them after I quit. Another good friend still drinks too much and I guess I've kind of become the "good influence" however, I usually leave the parties before she does and I get to hear the disaster stories or see the results the next day-bruises, broken cheek bones and ankles. I wouldn't wish disaster on anyone least of all my good friend, but I am so glad the drinking disasters aren't my worry anymore and I'm no longer the talk of the town. What I found is that while I didn't avoid people who drank too much, those people started avoiding me although I have never lectured anyone, other than the DH, on their drinking.
DeleteI had the same experiences as Kary May in terms of friends.
ReplyDeleteMy real friends, even my drinking friends, were happy I was sober because they saw what happened to me when I drank too much.
At first, I didn't go out to bars with them.
Now I can go out with them, but I don't very often, because I'd rather meet them for a walk, or coffee, or yoga, or golf.
Some sort of exercise.
I don't have a lot of friends anymore, as when I retired, most of my teacher friends were still working.
But the ones I have are awesome, and so supportive and fun.
xo
Wendy
Did you lose any friends as a result of not drinking bc they felt uncomfortable and stopped including you? Did you feel left out in the beginning?
DeleteA little at first, but I invited them to meet me at other times.
DeleteIt took work on my part to ask them to meet me for coffee or a walk.
Those friends who REALLY cared about me, did that.
The other ones only wanted to drink.
xo
My friends changed. I realized quite quickly who were the drinking friends solely because they also drank all the time. Sober I didn't like many of these people. My best friend turned out to be a mean critical unhappy woman. I just had never noticed...
ReplyDeleteLots of things have to change. While it might seem a loss for a while, and shitty and unfair, eventually you see how much time and energy you were wasting on nothing.
Sometimes you need to put you first. And see what happens.
I have a feeling I may also be a shitty friend when drinking - selfish and judgmental - which is so not who I am sober for a period of time.
DeleteEverything has changed since November last year for me. Alcohol was creating my anxiety to go through the roof - so I just drank more. Even before I was drinking so much at the end, like back when I was only drinking 3 days a week - somehow alcohol was poisoning my mind. I know that sounds dramatic but I can't explain it better.
ReplyDeleteMy life has changed so my friends have too - I realised I had some really shallow friendships (and even through I wasn't drinking with them - they were just well... dumb friendships where I was the rescuer and they were leaning on me). I felt comfortable like that because my self-perception was messed up.
Now I have re-kindled some lovely friendships with a couple of people that I didn't stay friends with and let them slip away as they were "real" friends and I just couldn't cope with that.
thanks writing this down KS - it really made me think!
Michelle xxx
I am sure my friendships will change and the people who I am meant to remain friends with will stick around. The ones who don;t are just too wrapped up in their addiction to want a nondrinker around which is sad for them (I know bc I've been there).
DeleteI've been there, too, k. I feel really bad about the people I quit hanging around with because they quit drinking. Talk about shallow.
Delete