Did well with moderating over Memorial Day weekend. Drank Friday and Saturday but not many and didn't have a hangover. Felt great - sort of this inflated ego that I can do this, I am fine, I can moderate, all this BS about quitting forever is stupid and unnecessary. I can be like everyone else.
Drank way too much Saturday (6/3), made a fool out of myself by over sharing some personal stuff in my life with my neighbors while drunk, disappeared in the middle of a conversation and went to bed bc I was about to pass out. I felt ok until all of a sudden I didn't. One minute I was talking and listening, the next, I was staring, zoned out and felt like if I didn't get myself to bed in the next 3 minutes, I was going to pass out right there at the table in from of everyone. I remember one of my neighbors even asking, "Are you ok?" I was not OK. Went to bed and passed out fully clothed.
I was completely useless yesterday. Did not get out of bed, ate like shit, felt dizzy, mentally out of it, heart palpitations, stomach ache, worried I would die - didn't give two shits about anyone or anything except hiding in my own self absorbed, self imposed misery.
Today still feel completely crappy. Dizzy, headache, nauseous, exhausted. So mad and sad and defeated.
For the first time ever...I feel like I really need some help. I don't know where to to or what to do. I will not got to AA. The stigma I have attached to it (probably bc it is what my dad used and it did not work for him - he relapsed over and over and over until he finally died from drinking). A SMART meeting sounds interesting but I don't want to go to a meeting with men at some Village Inn - that sounds horrible. I don't want anyone to see me. I am a teacher and it would really damage my reputation. I wish there was a WFS meeting around me....
Anyone have any other suggestions......I did start reading The Naked Mind and and going back to the book The 30 Day Solution which I worked on last summer.
All I know (as I type with tears in my eyes) is that I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!! I will not let this beat me. Actually maybe I will give up.....give up trying to control it as it is not possible. I don't know why I can't get that fact though my head. Again and again and again and again, I convince myself I can be a normal drinker. I CAN NOT BE A NORMAL DRINKER!!! I am not a normal drinker. I am a weekend binge drinker and have been for 30 years. I am unable to sustain long term moderation. It is so hard bc when I don't drink during the week and I moderate well on the weekends, I have a false sense of control over it. But I ALWAYS find myself back in this place and even successful moderating dulls the rest of my life leaving me a little depressed, tired and unmotivated.
I will not give up on myself