Monday, June 5, 2017

6/5/17 (Mon) I am a complete stupid idiot failure

Sorry to be so negative, but it is how I feel.  Had a a terrible hangover 2 weekends ago.  Decided last week, I am going to start a healthy plan - in all honesty tho hadn't really committed in my head to not drinking. Secretly making back door deals with myself.  While my fingers were typing all these grandiose plans, by brain was whispering "Maybe if you are healthy in all other area of your life, you will be able to moderate and be happy - yes, yes - let's try that."

Did well with moderating over Memorial Day weekend.  Drank Friday and Saturday but not many and didn't have a hangover.  Felt great - sort of this inflated ego that I can do this, I am fine, I can moderate, all this BS about quitting forever is stupid and unnecessary.  I can be like everyone else.

Drank way too much Saturday (6/3), made a fool out of myself by over sharing some personal stuff in my life with my neighbors while drunk, disappeared in the middle of a conversation and went to bed bc I was about to pass out.  I felt ok until all of a sudden  I didn't. One minute I was talking and listening, the next, I was staring, zoned out and felt like if I didn't get myself to bed in the next 3 minutes, I was going to pass out right there at the table in from of everyone.  I remember one of my neighbors even asking, "Are you ok?"  I was not OK. Went to bed and passed out fully clothed.

I was completely useless yesterday. Did not get out of bed, ate like shit, felt dizzy, mentally out of it, heart palpitations, stomach ache, worried I would die - didn't give two shits about anyone or anything except hiding in my own self absorbed, self imposed misery.

Today still feel completely crappy. Dizzy, headache, nauseous, exhausted. So mad and sad and defeated.

For the first time ever...I feel like I really need some help.  I don't know where to to or what to do.  I will not got to AA. The stigma I have attached to it (probably bc it is what my dad used and it did not work for him - he relapsed over and over and over until he finally died from drinking). A SMART meeting sounds interesting but I don't want to go to a meeting with men at some Village Inn - that sounds horrible.  I don't want anyone to see me.  I am a teacher and it would really damage my reputation. I wish there was a WFS meeting around me....

Anyone have any other suggestions......I did start reading The Naked Mind and and going back to the book The 30 Day Solution which I worked on last summer.

All I know (as I type with tears in my eyes) is that I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!! I will not let this beat me.  Actually maybe I will give up.....give up trying to control it as it is not possible.  I don't know why I can't get that fact though my head. Again and again and again and again, I convince myself I can be a normal drinker.  I CAN NOT BE A NORMAL DRINKER!!! I am not a normal drinker. I am a weekend binge drinker and have been for 30 years.  I am unable to sustain long term moderation.  It is so hard bc when I don't drink during the week and I moderate well on the weekends, I have a false sense of control over it.  But I ALWAYS find myself back in this place and even successful moderating dulls the rest of my life leaving me a little depressed, tired and unmotivated.

Image result for i won't give up

I will not give up on myself

Image result for i won't give up jason mraz


When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space, to do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not and who I am
I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up
Songwriters: Michael Lee Natter / Jason Mraz
I Won't Give Up lyrics © Goo Eyed Music


  1. I love that song. Have you seen the video he made at Red Rocks for the song 93 Million Miles? I came across some links the other day for treatment that I found very refreshing and interesting, I'm not sure that I can post links here but one was the St. Jude Program at and The St. Jude program is offered at their retreats-Cognitive Behavior Learning based-but the partner with the Baldwin Research Institute which has a self-directed home-based program.

    I totally understand your reluctance to attend a meeting, I was the very same way and I still haven't attended a meeting. Hell, I get palpitations before MM's phone meetings. lol Just because you can't attend a meeting doesn't mean you don't want it bad enough. Start where you can start, that's good enough.

    You're a warrioress!

  2. I know I used to get so angry at myself that I couldn't stop drinking.
    You aren't a failure, or an idiot.
    You are a weekend binge drinker.
    I think it's just that you haven't found any real life support for yourself, and the changes you want to make are hard.
    I am hoping you can get out to exercise today!
    That always makes me feel better!

  3. There are online meetings for all those groups.
    There are addictions therapists everywhere. I bet there is a 1-800 number in your area. Can. Ask for help.

    I am a profeccional engineer and senior person at my large corporation. I had fears of people seeing me at a meeting...but in the end my fears that they saw me out in the neighbourhood drunk were worse.

    Plus, anyone you see at a meeting will be there for the same thing you are. Alcohol abuse.

    My own experience with AA is different. I like the honesty. But it is not my recovery pathway, just somewhere I occasionally check out to remember we are all the same. The drinker, the sober person, the relapser. We all deserve support. Compassion and love.

    If healthy living and exercise cured addiction I would have gotten my drinking under control long ago. I was extremely fit, super healthy and still drank on the weekends! I often went to hardcore spin classes very hungover.

    Silly me.

    You can do this. Post every day. We will hold your hand.


  4. This blog has a bunch of links. Maybe one is for you?

  5. Hi :)
    I was exactly the same, I couldn't go to AA because I worked for the Women's Refuge and knew half the people there (I had fired a guy for stealing and he ran one of the branchs here!) So really it was a no for me. I did go to an AA meeting out of town but they really kept saying "find a local one" so just gave up that idea.

    You mention SMART recovery and that really helped me so much. I went to the on-line meetings and even joined the chat room (24/7) which is really cool. There was this lady there that was not a drinker but an artist in New York and was in the chat room to understand more about alcohol to support her husband - she was really cool.

    The links are:

    They help with anxiety, addition, pre and post stuff we have to go through. Just wonderful groups of people from all over the world.

    When I stopped, I thought that eventually I would start again- moderation drinking would probably work for me. Now 6 months in I can't imagine it will work. I would just end up right back where I started very quickly. I couldn't see that 3 months ago, still hung on to some hope it would be ok to moderate once I reached 6 months or a year.

    I will find this other cool post that someone wrote about if moderation will work for you - it was so many NO's for me :)
    Michelle xx
    PS you are strong and very cool to be writing this down KS

  6. Damnit - I have gone through and looked for this wonderful blog someone on my list did about "moderation drinking" and I can't find it.
    I used to be determined to be able to at least drink weekends. I found this:

    "Is abstinence the only way?
    Studies have shown that in some cultures there are a small percentage of people who can return to moderate drinking. Still, the chance of being successful is unclear. Attempts at moderation may not be worth the effort or the risk when considering the consequences. If your own life has been a mess because of your addictive behavior, why chance it? What has the empirical evidence in your own life been? Have you tried to moderate and not been successful? Then that's your answer."

    That was from SMART. The only thing that matters though, is you. You feel horrible about how you are drinking and that isn't good for you. So maybe it's time :) to really bite the bullet and just stop. xxx
    Loads of love and support :)
    Michelle xx

  7. I'm a teacher also and I totally understand the privacy issue. Look for a counselor/psychologist who specializes in addiction. Look through your insurance plan. It can be "one on one" in person and then you can use online groups in addition to that. Your counselor/psychologist might have small group sessions also but remember that those people also want privacy. Not only am I a teacher but my husband has a prominent position in the community so I definitely get it! I have been following your blog for several months and I will be celebrating a year of sobriety next month. Going "cold turkey" or drinking in moderation was not an option for me because I still needed to deal with underlying issues(family toxicity as a child). I also tried for many years to stop on my own and it didn't work. The road is not easy in the beginning of recovery but it is important to allow yourself to feel vulnerable. Through that, I no longer feel guilt or shame on a daily basis. I feel like I'm becoming my authentic self and I can finally say and feel that "I like myself". Please stop standing in your way and fight for the peace and happinesss you deserve! You are worthy!!!��