I don;t know why I am a little disappointed he didn't find anything. I guess I just want someone to say, "You need to stop drinking or you will die." That would have taken all the second guessing out of the decision to quit. It would have been like I had no choice - like it or not - I had to quit. Well, that is not the situation and I do have a choice. I can choose to look at it in one of two ways:
Option 1 - See, you are ok. You haven't done any damage. You are just making a mountain out of a molehill. It is just your latest obsession. Find something else to obsess about - like maybe getting back in shape - and stop worrying so much about drinking. You aren't that bad - you just think you are. You can moderate - enjoy life - enjoy your friends - not be different and awkward and boring and weird - you can be be normal and be fine and drink.
Option 2 - Thank God nothing showed up in the tests. You haven't caused any detectable damage to your organs YET. But you are not fine - you do have these debilitating symptoms caused by crippling anxiety brought on by drinking. You are not ok - read your own words for the last 7 years. You are not ok. You are addicted to alcohol and have messed up your brain with weekly drinking and monthly binging to the point that you can't even enjoy life anymore without drinking. You are not ok - you are out of shape, overweight, ultra sensitive, irritable, grumpy, unmotivated, uncaring, selfish, exhausted, anxious, obsessed, stressed out and really don't give a shit about anything.
If you choose
Option 1 - You will continue down the same road as the last 7-15 years. Why do you think it would be any different this time. Alcohol addiction does not get better over time - no matter how hard you try to moderate and do better. It is illogical to think that you can finally moderate and control an addiction that is only getting worse. You are an idiot to think that. It is a proven fact that alcohol addiction is progressive. It absolutely does not get better over time and you are 100% addicted - don't fool yourself about that either. If you choose to drink - you will not be choosing happily moderating and finally being able to drink and enjoy life again. NO! Impossible! You will be choosing the same thing you have been doing for years and most likely, eventually really doing irreversible damage to your body. You will be choosing to remain out of shape, overweight, ultra sensitive, irritable, grumpy, unmotivated, uncaring, selfish, exhausted, anxious, obsessed, stressed out and really not giving a shit about anything. It has not miraculously gotten better every single time you have tried in the past. It will not get better this time and will undoubtedly get worse. You will remain on your sick hamster wheel forever, until you die,. You will never know anything different. You will not be able to happily, successfully moderate - EVER! Your brain is no longer physically capable of it. It is not your imagination - you can not will your brain into changing back into a pre-addictive state. It is a pickle and can not turn back into a cucumber no matter how many times or how hard you try or how badly you want it! It is a physiological fact! You chose to drink - you 100% choose continued misery! No doubt about it.
Option 2 - You can choose something different. It may not always be easy and it will take some adjusting and being uncomfortable, but it is the only way to be happy. Your brain and body have had enough of this poisoning. You can be back in shape, happy, motivated, empathetic, well rested, calm and at peace but only if you cut out the one thing that is derailing all of that. It will only get better without the one thing that is causing all of it. You can have fun and show everyone around you that alcohol is not the elixir to life - it is not the key to having a good time. That there is another way.
If they don't want to be around you bc you aren't drinking - that is there problem and not only reveals their own issues but is sad for them. You can be an inspiration to your children and a beacon of hope to your friends who may also be struggling. You can be that person that you know is there - deep down - just trying to get out. That person is you - she has just been drowning in a anxiety laced cesspool of alcohol addiction. It is time for her to jump out of the toilet and flush all that bullshit down the drain. For once and for all be done with it. Try living a different way because this way is not working. You don't need a doctor's permission you stop drinking. You know the truth and you know what to do. She is in there - she just needs to be set free.
I choose Option 2 - Day 9!!