6/27/17 (Tues) Terrified and panicky

Day 6 - still extremely tired...kind of an out of it, dizzy, unmotivated, don't care about anything, a lack of energy or joy kind of tired.  Just feel like I am dragging myself through the day. I know it will pass just need to give it time.

Something happened yesterday that is terrifying to me.  Not sure I am proud of it but as they say "it is what it is." It happened.

I was walking the dogs with my almost 19 yo ds.  He knows that I struggle with alcohol. He typically rolls his eyes when I say I am not drinking again.  He has no idea how bad it is. He just knows that on the weekends I am always either drinking and fun or not drinking and miserable. He has no idea that my crappy mood the whole time on vacation was because I just can't even be happy sober anymore. Both of my kids noticed this and I just said, "I'm not mad or upset about anything. You guys just aren't used to me being sober on vacation."  Well that was a load of bs which I actually didn't fully realize at the time. I really thought at the time that this is what "normal" felt like. It has become my normal.  They were right. I was grumpy and quiet and irritable and moody because I had drank 7 days in a row and have f***** up my brain so much it can no longer experience sober happiness.

Anyway, on our walk the topic of Florida with my sister and her boys came up.  Just ds and I go and spend time with my sister and her 2 boys at a condo she owns.  It is usually a drink every night affair. I told ds I wasn't sure I wanted to go (he still could) bc I wasn't drinking...again.  He said something that kind of set me off.  He said, "Jeez, mom. You aren't that bad. So what you had a few drinks on vacation. Everyone does. (OK that's messed up bc not everyone does and I am ashamed he thinks that). Look at (he started listing off multiple people we know). They are way worse than you.  You don't drink everyday, only on the weekends and so what? You are having fun. (Thank God he has no interest in drinking bc I certainly have screwed up his view of alcohol). I think you are just obsessing about nothing and just need to focus on something else. You just think you have a problem so you do."

I couldn't help it. I just kinda went off.  Not in an angry way but in a "you need to understand something" way.  I started off by saying, "I know that is how you perceive it and I know you are trying to help but saying things like that do not help me. Comments like that are like a flat head screwdriver that find a little crack in my wall of determination to not drink and pry it apart just a little and that is all it takes for me to rationalize drinking."  He looked at me like I was crazy so I just spewed out my entire past on him.  Not all the childhood traumatic stuff but just my history of drinking since my 20's.  My whole drinking history - how many times I was drunk around him. All the times I stayed in bed on a Sunday and told him and his ds I had the flu but in fact it was a hangover. How it has taken over my whole brain physiologically and psychologically. How I have messed up my neurotransmitters so much I can't really even be joyful in everyday life anymore. How he was right on vacation. I was moody and irritable and grumpy all bc I wasn't drinking. It wasn't that I wanted a drink right then on that trail at 10:00 in the morning, it's just the way I feel all the time anymore when sober. He was a little blown away but I'm not surprised because I hid it pretty well. His response was, "Me and my sister talked about this on vacation and we think you need to get some help.  We think that you must have some stuff in your past that is keeping you from being happy. Maybe you should talk to someone about that."  I was flabbergasted.  They were talking about me? They noticed that I haven't really been happy?  I don't think he really related it to the alcohol but my dd probably did bc I had already told her all of my struggles with alcohol a couple of months ago after she had made a similar comment about me not being as bad as I think I am.

It felt really good to talk to him and help him understand how hard this is for me.  I feel a little guilty bc I don't want to burden him with my problems or make him worry about me, but it happened.

Here is the terrifying part.  Now he also knows, which will make me feel even more like a failure if I fail. I am scared shitless of disappointing him and failing.  After our conversation was over, I went upstairs and started crying. What had I done? What will he think of me if he sees me with a drink? I told my 2 sisters and my mom about all my problems a couple of years ago on Christmas Day (I even wrote about it here) and since then they have seen me quit and start so many times it seems my struggles lose their validity and everyone just rolls their eyes thinking I am just so dramatic when I want to quit....again.

Then we went to visit my sister and we were just talking about wine bars and trips to Florida and watching a movie and I was getting all of this anxiety.  I love her, but just being around her makes me want to drink. Not in a bad way just bc that is what we do. Then, that anxiety lead me to thoughts of maybe I should start after summer or maybe I could just try harder to moderate and how stupid I was for telling my ds and how this is all just stupid and how I am not that bad. How do you deal with those panicky feelings you get when thinking about the future and not being able to ever drink again?

Even Kary's comment yesterday of   "You are going to be telling people you are not drinking for the rest of your life, you might as well start that life now. "  made me feel all panicky inside. "For the rest of your life" gives me a full on anxiety attack for some reason. But you, Kary, must have planted a seed somewhere deep in my brain, though, bc after I read that I told me ds.

Accountability sucks! It is easier to keep everything a secret bc then the only person I disappoint is myself.