Tuesday, June 27, 2017

6/27/17 (Tues) Terrified and panicky

Day 6 - still extremely tired...kind of an out of it, dizzy, unmotivated, don't care about anything, a lack of energy or joy kind of tired.  Just feel like I am dragging myself through the day. I know it will pass just need to give it time.

Something happened yesterday that is terrifying to me.  Not sure I am proud of it but as they say "it is what it is." It happened.

I was walking the dogs with my almost 19 yo ds.  He knows that I struggle with alcohol. He typically rolls his eyes when I say I am not drinking again.  He has no idea how bad it is. He just knows that on the weekends I am always either drinking and fun or not drinking and miserable. He has no idea that my crappy mood the whole time on vacation was because I just can't even be happy sober anymore. Both of my kids noticed this and I just said, "I'm not mad or upset about anything. You guys just aren't used to me being sober on vacation."  Well that was a load of bs which I actually didn't fully realize at the time. I really thought at the time that this is what "normal" felt like. It has become my normal.  They were right. I was grumpy and quiet and irritable and moody because I had drank 7 days in a row and have f***** up my brain so much it can no longer experience sober happiness.

Anyway, on our walk the topic of Florida with my sister and her boys came up.  Just ds and I go and spend time with my sister and her 2 boys at a condo she owns.  It is usually a drink every night affair. I told ds I wasn't sure I wanted to go (he still could) bc I wasn't drinking...again.  He said something that kind of set me off.  He said, "Jeez, mom. You aren't that bad. So what you had a few drinks on vacation. Everyone does. (OK that's messed up bc not everyone does and I am ashamed he thinks that). Look at (he started listing off multiple people we know). They are way worse than you.  You don't drink everyday, only on the weekends and so what? You are having fun. (Thank God he has no interest in drinking bc I certainly have screwed up his view of alcohol). I think you are just obsessing about nothing and just need to focus on something else. You just think you have a problem so you do."

I couldn't help it. I just kinda went off.  Not in an angry way but in a "you need to understand something" way.  I started off by saying, "I know that is how you perceive it and I know you are trying to help but saying things like that do not help me. Comments like that are like a flat head screwdriver that find a little crack in my wall of determination to not drink and pry it apart just a little and that is all it takes for me to rationalize drinking."  He looked at me like I was crazy so I just spewed out my entire past on him.  Not all the childhood traumatic stuff but just my history of drinking since my 20's.  My whole drinking history - how many times I was drunk around him. All the times I stayed in bed on a Sunday and told him and his ds I had the flu but in fact it was a hangover. How it has taken over my whole brain physiologically and psychologically. How I have messed up my neurotransmitters so much I can't really even be joyful in everyday life anymore. How he was right on vacation. I was moody and irritable and grumpy all bc I wasn't drinking. It wasn't that I wanted a drink right then on that trail at 10:00 in the morning, it's just the way I feel all the time anymore when sober. He was a little blown away but I'm not surprised because I hid it pretty well. His response was, "Me and my sister talked about this on vacation and we think you need to get some help.  We think that you must have some stuff in your past that is keeping you from being happy. Maybe you should talk to someone about that."  I was flabbergasted.  They were talking about me? They noticed that I haven't really been happy?  I don't think he really related it to the alcohol but my dd probably did bc I had already told her all of my struggles with alcohol a couple of months ago after she had made a similar comment about me not being as bad as I think I am.

It felt really good to talk to him and help him understand how hard this is for me.  I feel a little guilty bc I don't want to burden him with my problems or make him worry about me, but it happened.

Here is the terrifying part.  Now he also knows, which will make me feel even more like a failure if I fail. I am scared shitless of disappointing him and failing.  After our conversation was over, I went upstairs and started crying. What had I done? What will he think of me if he sees me with a drink? I told my 2 sisters and my mom about all my problems a couple of years ago on Christmas Day (I even wrote about it here) and since then they have seen me quit and start so many times it seems my struggles lose their validity and everyone just rolls their eyes thinking I am just so dramatic when I want to quit....again.

Then we went to visit my sister and we were just talking about wine bars and trips to Florida and watching a movie and I was getting all of this anxiety.  I love her, but just being around her makes me want to drink. Not in a bad way just bc that is what we do. Then, that anxiety lead me to thoughts of maybe I should start after summer or maybe I could just try harder to moderate and how stupid I was for telling my ds and how this is all just stupid and how I am not that bad. How do you deal with those panicky feelings you get when thinking about the future and not being able to ever drink again?

Even Kary's comment yesterday of   "You are going to be telling people you are not drinking for the rest of your life, you might as well start that life now. "  made me feel all panicky inside. "For the rest of your life" gives me a full on anxiety attack for some reason. But you, Kary, must have planted a seed somewhere deep in my brain, though, bc after I read that I told me ds.

Accountability sucks! It is easier to keep everything a secret bc then the only person I disappoint is myself.


18 comments:

  1. Many recovering alcoholics feel "panic" at the "never drinking again"... it's easier to focus on today; the days start adding up to weeks, months, years...

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    1. Thank you for the reminder. All I can do anything about right now is what is happening right now.

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  2. I just found your blog and I'm just ahead of you with this sober thing. I have 22 days sober under my belt. I have been dealing with alcohol for 25+ years and have felt/still feel all you are expressing here. As anonymous wrote, focus on today, actually if you are like me, I have to focus on every hour it seems. I too feel lost and afraid, no joy it seems. But, I have had a few sparks here and there. I am praying and keeping the faith, that with time, the joy will return, but this time, with the need for alcohol.

    BTW: I have a 28 year old daughter and for a while, she said similar things, "mom, you're not too bad; mom, just drink at parties; mom, try not to drink during the week", now she says to me, "mom, it's not worth it, you can do this!" I hope I can this time. Actually, I know I can. I just have to want it.

    Good luck, I'll be here cheering you on.

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    1. opps, I meant "without" the need for alcohol.

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    2. I just try to remember how proud they will be of me when I have truly quit and how good it will feel for them to be proud of me.

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  3. The joy will return and you will be amazed at how good normal feels - it takes time for your body/brain to heal and repair. It also gets easier the longer you go and so worth it!!

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    1. How long????? I almost started crying when the fast food place got my order wrong!!!

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    2. It's different for everyone but the days start building. There are some pretty reliable milestones in chunks of days; months; have you tried the 100 day challenge with Belle? Mrs. D's book is pretty spot on as to the passage of time/sobriety/expectations in the first year of recovery. I would get my hands on all the recovery books you can. Have you ever read the Big Book? It has many great nuggets of information and inspiration even if you don't want to try AA. Praying for You!! It WILL get better! You have to want it and you need to do it for YOU.

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    3. Thanks Anne. I will look at those things.

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  5. Day 6! WooHoo! Monster hug coming your way!

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    1. Thank you! Now comes the hard work. I can usually do 4-5 days easily as I usually only drink on the weekends.

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  6. It take a long time to heal.
    Along the way I had to stop trying to convince others why I was not drinking and just be firm in thecreslity I'm not.

    Kids aren't blind. They see the alcohol. They recognize our moods. And they want their parents to be happy because then their lives are easier.

    Get dome help. Set up the external support. Not drinking is action number one. Until that happens it's impossible to sort out the other stuff.

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    1. I know...I am sure my kids have wanted me to continue drinking only because to them, looking in, I am having a pretty good time while drinking. They don't see the bad parts bc I hide it from them or make an excuse like having the flu.

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  7. Anne is so right kids aren't blind.
    When they get older like yours they really know what's up.
    They just want you to happy and well xx

    When my 23 year old didn't know the extent of it she said stuff like "hey what are you making such a fuss about" and "it's ok to have a drink mum". when I told her the truth I too was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. So was she, and even had two counselling sessions which she told me about later as she blamed herself for not knowing (God!). I have been super careful not to let her be my support in anyway over those first 6 months and now am in a better place to be more positive.

    If I am to be totally honest with you KS, the only thing that kept me going in the first 6 months was her. I was accountable, I was terrified (as my first post is called), if I slipped I thought she may never speak to me again.

    Again Anne's advice is perfect - some external support and help. No1 no alcohol. The rest will start to fall into place x

    Loads of support to you KS
    Michelle xx

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    1. I also feel an added sense of accountability with my son knowing. I don't want to look like an idiot in his eyes by drinking after I have told him how it is ruining my life. Terrifying but maybe a blessing in disguise.

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    2. Don't take on too much pressure.
      One of the gifts of sobriety for me has been the opportunity to talk to my kids about asking for and taking help when a person is struggling. I see a therapist regularly and love it.

      Our kids were 8 and 10 when we quit. They much prefer their sober, present parents to the partiers we were.

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