Saturday, June 24, 2017

6/24/17 (Sat) Why I drink

I have been giving my reasons for drinking some thought. Here is what alcohol does for me.

Drinking makes me happy and keeps me from getting bored.
Drinking on the weekends, partying with my friends makes me happy - makes me feel included, liked, part of the action - it just makes things fun, maybe because I loosen up, get super social, laugh a lot, get a burst of energy. I just "feel" happy and energetic and talkative and popular when I drink.  If I am with my friends and not drinking, it is boring and I feel left out - not a part of the party.

Having some drinks while cooking makes me happy. It makes me feel kind of giddy while cooking and I enjoy kind of the whole "adultness of it". It seems a little more boring to cook on the weekends without it.

Having a nice glass of wine with dinner makes me happy. That it make me enjoy the conversation more, makes food taste better, makes it more fun to go out to dinner. How boring to go to a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol.

Special occasions such as vacation or going to a festival or neighborhood bbqs will be more fun while drinking. It will make the events more memorable, more special. Vacations are huge drinking events for me because I can drink every day and even day drink of everyone else is.  It just makes it fun. Who would not drink on vacation?  How boring. Why even go.

Sitting outside in the sun on a Friday with my friends after working all week is more enjoyable with a beer. That I can just sit there, relax, and have fun with my friends - not worrying about anything else. Why even sit outside if I can't have a beer. How boring - I guess I'll just sit on my couch, watch tv and pout.

Having drinking to look forward to makes me happy on Thursday and Friday. I get kind of pumped up waiting for the weekend. If I'm not drinking that weekend, I feel down, depressed, anxious, irritable, actually kind of mad and I avoid everyone and situations were there could be drinking.

Drinking relieves my stress, worry and anxiety.
This is not the main reason but I am happier if I don'e have anxiety, stress or worry.  I am a worrier and I know that drinking helps me worry less and therefore relieves anxiety. Having a drink before and during family dinners helps me relax and not get stressed out. It helps me not take things so personally, helps me relax a bit, helps me have more fun in the situation because I am not so stressed out.

Drinking helps me deal with uncomfortable situations.  If dh and I are not getting along very well on vacation (for example) drinking will help me forget about it and have fun - it helps relieve my worry, stress and anxiety. The same is true if having a conflict with my mom or sister. I totally notice a change after I have a drink. I just don't feel as stressed and therefore have more fun.

The irony of it all.  It's all just a lie!!!

Drinking does not make me happy!!!!!  It may make me hyper a little bit bc it gives me a sugar rush.

When partying with my friends, I don't have real conversations - I don't even listen to what they are saying. I am selfish, loud, egotistical, opinionated, dominating and the next morning I always worry I have embarrassed myself. I beat myself up about drinking too much, being annoying and looking like an idiot.

When drinking while cooking I lose my focus, take way longer to get it done, don't clean up as I go and don't even taste it as well when eating. I just feel very distracted - kind of out of it.

When having wine with dinner, I can't sleep that night and feel bad in the morning. I dominate the conversation and get loud. Plus it is expensive.

Vacations and special occasions have be saturated with alcohol. I am really not sure it is enhancing the experience. I am either drinking and not truly present or hungover and feeling like total crap. Drinking at neighborhood events usually end with me being drunk and completely embarrassed in the morning.

Sitting outside in the sun on a Friday with a beer just makes me tired, unmotivated, lazy and more often than not leads to a hangover on Saturday morning. It is the anticipation of doing it that I enjoy more than actually doing it.

If I'm not drinking that weekend, I feel down, depressed, anxious, irritable, actually kind of mad and I avoid everyone and situations were there could be drinking. If this is actually true then I really need to quit bc I can't seem to have fun or look forward to anything without it....that may very well be the definition of addiction.

Does drinking really relieve my anxiety and stress? Really???? Does it really?  It creates so much stress, anxiety, turmoil, depression in my life it is ridiculous!

Drinking usually makes stressful situations worse in the long run bc I am way more combative, argumentative, judgmental, sensitive when drinking.  It just puts a blanket on the stress and more often than not, after I have had too much to drink, the blanket it just ripped away and all hell breaks loose.

I am so over drinking - just so sick of it - and I am not saying this with a hangover.  I haven't drank for 2 days and the 2 days prior, I only had 2 glasses of wine with dinner each night - which is a huge improvement considering we were on vacation. I am almost always traveling home with a hangover - you know - last night, better make it good.

Alcohol does not make me happy, less stressful, reduce my anxiety/depression.
Alcohol makes me depressed, anxious, grumpy, exhausted, fat, unmotivated.

I am so sick of alcohol (my addiction) lieing to me! It does not make me happy! It is a drug that poisons my mind by tricking me into thinking I need it to be happy.  It robs me of my happiness and for what  - a quick buzz on the weekends.  It just isn't worth it anymore.


  1. We can study it ad nauseum, We can pick it apart, we can try to reason with it but none of that will flip a switch in our head to make a light bulb go on that isn't already on. We know everything we need to know, there is nothing new to discover. While we're busy busy dissecting our drinking, it is busy busy stealing more of our future. Move on and start living your life today.

    1. I agree with you 100%. Sometimes I think all of my studying and analyzing are keeping me stuck. Like I am procrastinating what I know I really need to do. It's almost like it keeps me sick bc I am dwelling on the problem rather than the solution.

    2. Analysis paralysis.
      the next step is to take action. Maybe a treatment program? An addictions therapist?
      There are many some point I remember realizing I had to act. Contemplation time was done.

  2. It appears you've found the hampster wheel. (You've posted about reasons you drink before). Insanity: doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. It pains me to see you running on this wheel.

    1. I agree!!! I have been on the hamster wheel for years (and have written about it many times). I keep telling myself - nothing changes if nothing changes. Changing this one thing will change everything - I am certain of that.

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