Monday, June 26, 2017

6/26/17 (Mon) Day 5 - Insomnia

Insomnia - I knew it was coming - it always does.  Could not sleep last night at all.  But still would rather wake up after only 4 hours of sleep than wake up with a hangover.  I know this will pass and eventually (last time it took around 2 weeks) I will be sleeping like a baby.

While awake last night I was reading Drinking a Love Story and The Naked Mind. I just happened to be on the same concept in both books - the fact that alcohol does not bring relief from stress/anxiety/unhappiness/irritability/boredom/depression - it only relieves the stress/anxiety/unhappiness/irritability/boredom/depression that it created in the first place. Drinking just brings my addicted brain back to the way it would be functioning if I wasn't drinking at all. It is an illusion. My brain has my brain physiologically conditioned to only be happy in the presence of alcohol. I can't remember which book this analogy came from but it it was perfect. It is like purposefully getting a blister on your foot just to be able to experience the relief you feel when you take your shoes off.

I am truly excited (and nervous about failing yet again) but mostly excited about cutting this source of stress/anxiety/unhappiness/irritability/boredom/depression out of my life. Figuring out how to cope/socialize/exist/live without all of the bullshit and chaos alcohol brings to my life.

I am having recurring thoughts such as, "What am I going to do about the Renaissance Festival in a week (has been a drunk fest for 15 years - the perfect excuse for day drinking)? What am I going to do if my neighbor or sister asks me to get together this weekend? What am I going to do if the whole neighborhood finally wants to go to my favorite brewery and now I am not drinking? What am I going to do if my sister asks us to go to Florida with her in a month? What am I going to say about not drinking? Should I make something up like I have an ulcer? Should I wait until summer is over to do this?  I want to do all of those things and I want to do them sober but I have been down this road so many times that I know the further I get from feeling bad, the weaker my resolve will be.  I don't want to fail this time, so I need to do something different, I just don't know what.

Today I am giving myself permission to take it easy and take a nap. My body/brain/soul needs to heal.


  1. I agree. The whole drinking cycle is just cray cray. At one point, my denial was so deep that I sought out the help of a psychiatrist for anxiety/depression. I tried 4 different medications and the side effects were awful. When I went for another opinion, psychiatrist #2 said "you don't medications. You need to stop drinking.". I didn't have problems with anxiety/depression before I became a drunk. The good news? I don't have problems with anxiety depression as a sober person. I'm able to cope with life's curve balls just like "normal people". I am thankful and grateful every day. Don't stop trying.

    1. I totally agree. I am 100% certain that all of my anxiety/depression/unhappiness/exhaustion is because of alcohol use. It is killing my spirit

  2. Just say no. Skip the festival. Don't socialize.
    Better to protect yourself than to allow perceived pressure to make you drink.

    The insomnia isn't a sign you should's a symptom of withdrawal. Try magnesium before bed. It helps with insomnia. It's amazing.

    Keep going. Put yourself first. Period. There are no other options.


    1. If I skip these things, my family will also. That doesn't seem fair.

    2. They need to learn to go without you.
      sadly, life isn't always fair. In hindsight you might find that saying no opened the door for something else. Something different. Not the usual drinking fest.

      Or maybe you go and are clear you aren't drinking and see what the event is like.

      I go to many events I used to drink at and am most surprised that others are NOT drinking heavily. It's was just me and my drinking pals.

      You can do this for yourself.

  3. You are going to be telling people you are not drinking for the rest of your life, you might as well start that life now.

    1. Well that sentence seems super scary...even though I know you are right.

    2. Your friends and family must have heard this from you before when you had a longer stretch of sobriety.

      I'm sure they will be much more supportive than you think. But you have to be serious about it. If they are drinkers they probably love having you along to drink with. But that's not helping you....

  4. You won't have to say no forever, just until you have a little more sober time under your belt.
    I went to a dinner party early in sobriety and it was really hard.
    I didn't drink, but was pouty.
    Slowly as I got stronger and learned more skills, I was able to add those dinner parties back.