6/1/17 (Thurs) - Day 1 of Healthy Living and Stop the Insanity (6 years of blogging proof)

When I stopped smoking for the two hundredth and final time, I did not just change that one thing, but I changed everything.  I ate better, worked out, went to bed early, stopped drinking, and drank lots of water. Being a healthier person in general helped me stay quit.  I wasn't sitting around feeling sorry for myself ( at least not after the first week).  I believe it really helped.

Many people have advised to take it easy when you stop drinking. To take care of yourself by taking baths and eating ice cream and watching too much tv and sleeping. I've done that and it just seemed to leave me in a depressed, lethargic state.  I'm going to try something different this time. I'm going to attack my health with a vengeance.  Today I am 5'4" and 150 pounds.  I can't believe I have let my weight creep up like this.  I was always between 125-130 pounds.  My clothes don't fit - in fact my son and his friend asked me to go skiing today (yes in June! we still have one resort open) and I had to say no bc I can't get my stinking ski pants buttoned.  I refuse to by new "fat" clothes so I continue to wear the same pair of 4 yoga pants and 4 shirts over and over.  I promised myself last summer and the summer before and the summer before that I would not spend another summer in yoga pants. Well here I am and guess what - my shorts don't fit and I am in yoga pants.

Today is the first day of summer break for me (I am a teacher) and I am determined to get healthy this summer! I have said this to myself the last 4 summers - but this summer, I'm gonna do it.  These are my goals:

Drink a gallon of water a day
Eat under 2,000 calories in 5 small meals a day every 3 hours
Workout - Couch to 5k on the treadmill and weight training
Walk my dogs
Got to yoga 2-3 times per week
Get 7-9 hours of sleep every night
Limit my screen time (both tv and computer)
Keep blogging as when I stop blogging my cravings to drink increase - I need the accountability
Not drink - as I know it will derail all of the above

I'm hoping by doing the first 8 things, it will decrease my cravings to drink bc I am trying to be healthy and drinking is not healthy. Then, by not drinking, it will help me keep my commitments to those first 8 commitments. Start a new cycle in my brain - if I need to be obsessed with something - how about being obsessed with being in the best shape (physically, mentally, emotionally) that I can be.

I have been dressing so dumpy lately (bc of my lack of options) that I really want to try Stitch Fix. I don't want to to, however, until I have lost this 20 pounds that have accumulated around my middle. My reward to myself is that when I have lost 20 pounds, I am going to sign up for it and update my wardrobe to update my new me. I know this will be so much easier if I am not drinking bc alcohol not only makes me fat but removes all my motivation for doing the things I need to do to make it happen.

Bye, bye cheesy rollups and Real Housewives.....hello salad, smoothies and physical activity :)

(Well..maybe just one Real Housewives every once in awhile!  I really need to know if Luann actually gets married lol!)

BTW - This is what I posted the last SIX summers!!!  I WILL NOT SPEND ANOTHER SUMMER LIKE THIS!!!

Summer 2016

6/6/16 (Mon) I am failing!

6/6/16 at 2:22 am

I wake up after being in bed for 4 hours (as usual). My stomach is killing me, my heart is pounding, I am sweating profusely and all of my drinking regrets come flooding into my brain.

"How much did you drink the last 4 nights? the last 3 weeks?"

SERIOUSLY!!! Thurs - 2, Fri - 6, Sat - 3, Sun  - 7 = 18 drinks in 4 days = 57 drinks in the last 23 days!!!!!

"How did you feel last Monday?"

TERRIBLE!!!Terrible hangover from the weekend - took 3 days to recover.

Finally felt better on Thursday - so what did I do?  DRINK!!!! WHY????

"Why are you sneaking? hiding? lying? not counting? not taking your naltrexone?"

I DON'T KNOW!!!

"Why aren't you stopping at 2 or 3 drinks?"

I DON'T KNOW!!! I just start drinking and can't stop. I keep drinking more and more and more like I can't get enough in my body before I have to stop and go to bed.

"Why are you ruining your health? your mental well being? your relationships (especially with yourself)? your self worth? your goals? your mental stability?"

I DON'T KNOW!!! My desire to drink is just so strong that I can't seem to tell it no when I want to start and I can;t tell it to stop once I have started

"Why can't you just admit your are developing a serious drinking problem that has been getting worse and worse for the last 30 years and enough is enough?"

I DON'T KNOW!!!! I am just terrified to stop forever and I don't know why. Actually I do know why...I am so afraid that life is going to suck without it - that I won't have any fun - that I won't have any friends - that I won't enjoy anything - that I will be different and weird - that I will never be able to visit a brewery and try a new IPA - that vacations will suck without it - that I can never have another glass of wine with dinner - that I can never have a drink on the deck in the sunshine and just relax - basically I am terrified that my life will suck without alcohol. I want so desperately to be able to control it....

I decide at 4:34 am on 6/6/16 that I am not drinking for at least 30 days.

Then at 8:30 am, after 4 more hours of sleep, I get up and doubt that decision - hold on? are you sure you want to make such a grand statement? you know it will suck.. you know it will ruin your summer.. you know you have parties to attend.. you know you haven't had a sober June in 30 years except the 2 times you were pregnant..you know you should just wait until August..you stayed sober from August to April once...you know May June and July are the hardest for you..you know this is unrealistic... you know you can't do it.. you know you will fail.

Many sober "cyber" friends tell me how great it is but I just can't see it for myself.  I believe their life is  a lot better but I just can't "see" that being the case for me.

I am going to be miserable if I drink and I am going to be miserable if I don't drink....I just don't know which miserable to choose...

Summer 2015

Monday, June 29, 2015

Sigh.....

I am obviously drinking again and not really enjoying it.  I usually only drink on the weekends but it has now gone back to every weekend. I try to keep it to 3-4 drinks per day on the weekends, but it has been steadily creeping up.  I really just want to not drink at all.  I stopped for 8 months and felt amazing, but I am not abstaining right now and I need some accountability. I am a teacher, and I don't want this to be one more summer of partying and not taking care of myself.  I am 47 years old and cannot go back to school this fall exhausted, anxious and depressed because of over drinking all summer.  I am such an all or nothing person that I am either completely sober or just choose to ignore my drinking and not deal with it. My posting here is a way for me not not ignore it.

I hesitated posting because I really want to not drink at all because I felt like it was admitting failure in my attempts for sobriety. But I also don't want to drink, bury my head in the sand and not pay any attention.  My drinking has shifted in that instead of just not paying attention to how much I drink and not realizing my over consumption, it is more of a how much alcohol can I put in my body before I have to go to bed. Like - I 'm just going to have one more at 1:00 am even though everyone else is in bed - feeling.  Those feelings scare me because I don't understand them. Why do I need to do that? What is the point when I have clearly had enough, no one else is even up and I am going to bed?

Well, now I am back to drinking alone, drinking every weekend and feeling like crap about it.  So I am back. 

Summer 2014

Monday, August 11, 2014

Feeling awful

I am convinced that alcohol sends in my into a very dark place full of depression and anxiety.  Not just general anxiety, but full blown someone is sitting on my chest/I can't breathe/I am going to have a heart attack/I can't hold it together/I am having a mental breakdown/hot flashes/heart palpitations/chest pain/these weird tingling sensations that just wash over me/I am going to die panic attacks.  These always happen between 1:00 and 4:00 am. I wake up exhausted, confused, sad, ashamed, mentally and physically numb.  

I am actually considering the fact that I might have some sort of mental illness.

Oh and BTW - I didn't drink yesterday bc I felt like crap after 12 consecutive days of drinking between 3 and 8 drinks per day while on vacation usually starting in mid afternoon!  

Day 1 I guess...

November 2013 - didn't post over the summer bc too much drinking

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

11/12/13 (Tues) Failing - I'm Back - History

Ok...here it goes! My last post was 4/21/13.  I was sober for 255 days - from 8/1/12 - 4/13/13.  

Review - skip if you remember me

Just a little review for those of you that might be new to my blog.  I am now 45 years old - have a dh of 25 years, a 15 yo ds and an 18 yo dd.  

I have been struggling with alcohol for the past 15 years - drinking for the past 30 years.

In my teens and twenties - just had a blast! No big deal - had fun, got hangovers, got over them, drank again.  

In my thirties - started to notice how important alcohol was to me.  Had two little kids and wanted to be a good role model - tried to cut back.  Did well, then not so well.  Moved into a nice, family orientated, weekend party neighborhood.  If we all got together with our kids and drank - they played together and we didn't have to drive - perfect!  Met one of my best drinking buddies - we gradually pulled each other to the dark side. 

By 35 - really struggling in my own head.  My drinking and not drinking was becoming an obsession.  

By 40 - a mess!  Binge drinking 2-4 times a month - taking days to recover both physically, mentally, emotionally.

I am a teacher - have been for 25 years.  I think I am a good teacher, wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend. I do a lot for everyone.  I take care of everyone. I think people would say I am compassionate, friendly, outgoing but also a little too sensitive and maybe a little controlling :).

I am also a binge drinker. 

I don't drink every day (although I did struggle with having those couple of glasses of wine every night for a little while).  I have never been to jail, had a DUI, been in trouble, etc.  I go to work, pay my bills and take care of my family.  I love to work hard and play hard. I typically don't drink Sunday - Thursday.  I go to the gym, go to work, eat well and take care of my family.  I do look forward to those weekend nights were I can have a few drinks, kick back and have some fun. I have been doing that for the last 25+ years.

I have learned that I rarely can stop at 2 once I start.  It usually turns into 4-7 drinks over a period of 5-6 hours.  I am not very big - so those 4-7 drink really mess me up. Once alcohol hits my system - I could give a shit!  All of the rules, planning, promises go out the window! I have no stop button.  This usually happens 2-4 times a month.  It doesn't sound like much, but when it takes 3 days to recover from a binge (Sun - Wed) just to turn around and do it again the next weekend - I am exhausted.

In April 2010, I found moderation management.  I bought the book, tried all the rules, posted to the list and really tied to control my weekend drinking.  It seemed the harder I tried to control it, the worse it became.  I was a mess.  I was beating myself up mentally all the time.  All I thought about was drinking - if I was or wasn't, if I was proud of myself or not.  It was hell - all day every day.  I tried to go on Prozac   That didn't work - just made me go from sober to fall down drunk with no warning (some of my most embarrassing moments).  I was fighting with everyone because I was an emotional wreck.  Of course it was everyone else's fault.  I just wanted to hide in my bedroom and watch intervention shows on TV (at least I wasn't as bad as them - when secretly I think I saw myself going down that road and in a weird way actually jealous that they were so bad, people had to step in). I felt so alone in my addiction.  I couldn't talk about it - didn't want anyone to know.  I was living in my own personal hell. I didn't even know if I was actually addicted to alcohol or just being my overly obsessive self - it was just my newest obsession.

In August 2011(after 17 months of seriously trying to live by the rules and failing miserably, I found MMabsers - a sub list of the moderation list - who are a bunch of great people trying to live sober.  I spent a lot of time - 2 years! - reading, learning, contemplating, blogging, trying to get some of the misery out of my head.  I still didn't have anyone to talk to in my real life (as opposed to my cyber life) but at least I was getting it out somewhere. I was fascinated by how these people who really were just like me, could live sober and be happy!  How in the hell could life be happy (sitting in the sun on a Friday  going on vacation, going out to dinner, etc) actually be any fun without alcohol?  Something was starting to grow inside me - could I be like that? Could it be possible?  Was I strong enough?  I started learning that I really was addicted and that I felt so crappy for days after a binge because of the poison I was putting in my body.  I real the Alan Carr book and started to see alcohol for what it was - a stupid drug that I was addicted to - no better than a heroine addict just accepted by society!

Although I was starting to see things differently, my weekend bingeing was out of control.  When I woke up with a hangover on Christmas morning 2011, I had had enough.  I told my whole family. - parent, sister, kids, husband - everyone - I needed some accountability   I decided I couldn't do it alone anymore. I was exhausted and hung over and sobbing.  Somehow I got through the rest of the holidays and as my hang over wore off, I was pissed I had told anyone because now I couldn't fail without everyone knowing.  It was my own little secret anymore.

I went 85 days sober - 12/25/11 - 3/18/12.  I posted a lost to this blog during that time.  It was a roller coaster ride - so proud of myself, pissed off I couldn't drink, at peace with my decision, sad that I couldn't drink, and bored out of my mind!

From 3/18/12 - 8/1/12 - I slowly, methodically  unconsciously, undeniably went downhill.  My weeks were - Fri = drinking, Sat = drinking, Sun = HO, hiding, depressed, Mon - Tues = exhausted, making promises to myself (I will do better next weekend , Wed = starting to feel better, Thurs = rationalize - I will be more careful, Fri = gearing up for the weekend, drink - REPEAT! over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...until I just couldn't take it anymore!

8/1/12 - I quit for good.  I didn't care anymore about how hard it would be - the pain of quitting could not possibly be any worse than the pain of drinking.I got through so many first.  It was still a roller coaster ride (I did post about all of that here).  Most of the time I was relieved to not be fighting it anymore.  I just gave up, gave in - Alcohol - you win - you are stronger than me.  If I try to have you in my life - you will always win - so better just not to try.  One think I still really struggled with was my energy level and my boredom.  Life was so boring!! I couldn't hang out with my friends much bc they all drank and i was either jealous, annoyed or bored around them. I was also worried about spring and summer vacations.  Who even cared about any of it if I couldn't drink.  


Current news - for those of you skipping my incredibly long history

Sooo....after 255 days sober, on 4/13/13 - I drank. Just a little.  One glass of wine.  For 2 months I did really well.  I don't think I over did it? I don't know bc I stopped bogging.  I could be a normal drinker!  Yeah!  I was so happy!  This is all I ever wanted!  I could have a couple of drinks with my friends occasionally and keep it under control.  My boredom went away.  This was perfect! I was so relieved that I could quit fighting my demon.  I had won!

Well.....guess what????.... 210 days later - I am a disaster again! I feel like shit! My body hurts, my heart hurts, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, my back hurts, I am depressed, grumpy, anxious and exhausted!  Just like before I was so far in denial I couldn't even see waht was happening.  I kept trying to log onto my blog and the mmabsers list but I couldn't remember my password, so I just gave up and kept making promises to  myself and kept binge drinking.  I drank too much last Saturday (which was only one bottle of wine - but that is just way too much for my body to handle anymore), felt terrible Sunday and at work yesterday (can't sleep - anviety attacks) and stayed home today to get my shit together.  I worked for awhile at my passwords and was finally able to log on.  

I did a little research into the last 5 months (June - October) and no wonder I am so exhausted   I tried to remember every weekend by going back through my bank records. Once I saw what I spent money on that weekend, I could remember what I did and if I drank too much.  I would have guessed that I maybe over drank half (maybe 5) of the weekends - funny how selective the memory becomes.

Since August 1 - November 10, I have drank over the two or three I promised myself 12 of the 15 weekends.  I have drank every weekend and had a significant H0s 10 of the weekends.  Until I sat down and figured it out, I didn't realize how bad it had gotten again. 

I would just put it out of my mind, make promises to myself to do better and move forward - all the while my demon was secretly, silently, insidiously, getting stronger and stronger - hiding behind the veil (more like a wall) of denial!

Well, I'm back.  I am making a 6 month commitment to abstaining from alcohol (maybe longer - who even knows anymore), blogging at least once a week and healing.  I know this time I have to work on the boredom and energy levels.  Last time I gave myself permission to eat crappy, not work out and just rest - better than drinking!  I think I need to take a new approach - more of a holistic approach - I need to really take care of myself - through many avenues so I can be proactive in helping myself feel better.  Last abs period, I just thought it would come naturally. That once I stopped drinking on the weekends  the heavens would just open up and I would be healed and joyful and happy - like those people on the mmabsers list!  

Maybe it's not that easy, maybe i have to work at it.

All i know is that (ONCE AGAIN) the pain of not drinking seems to pale in comparison to the pain of drinking.

Summer 2012

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Total fail!

Ok so it happened!  I am not going to try to cover it up, explain it away or deny it...I am right back were I was last December when I decided I was going to quit forever and did for something like 85 days.  When I decided to try again, I made a deal with myself that it would only be occasionally and would never have a hangover.  Well I have had hangovers and I have been drinking every weekend and once in a while during the week.

The vacation actually went pretty well in terms of family drama.  There was a couple of little tifs but they were over pretty quickly (no one packed up and left which is a good thing!)  I did not get overly sensitive, did not start any fights, did not cry or yell and was only really trashed on the last night but...

I felt like I was "chasing the buzz" the entire trip.  I would wake up too late, not feeling well because I slept terrible and had too much wine the night before.  I consistently was awake from 2:30 - 4:30 tossing and turning with heart palpitations, and extreme worry and anxiety. I would get up, isolate and try to pull myself together (I would have rather been up hiking around, in the pool, at the gym, etc.)  I am pretty good at faking it around other people.  I had to take Tylenol every morning and forgot mine so I would tell my mom I slept on my neck wrong or that my eyes were red and watering because of the chlorine in the pool last night, etc.  She even asked me how I was doing with my drinking and I told her great!  That was a bunch of bullshit!  i just didn't want to talk about it bc I was either drinking or hungover.

By about noon I would start to feel better and start thinking about that beer with lunch, which I never do at home but use vacation as an excuse to drink during the day.  I even found myself sneaking that lunch beer.  Having some excuse to go back up to the room so I could slam one down and then join everyone else.  NO ONE else was drinking at lunch.  One morning my sister even talked me into a bloody mary.  She asked and I said no bc I don't drink vodka and I don't drink in the morning.  Then, 5 minutes later, the pool service guy came, she asked me again and I said OK.  By the time we were thinking about dinner, I had had 2-3 beers, mostly in secret and was not happy with my buzz level.  i would wait for the wine until I got back from the store.

Cooking dinner seems like an easy way for me to hide my wine consumption.  I am busy, everyone else is busy, I don't feel like people are watching.  I am not really even paying too much attention - cooking, talking, laughing, drinking..... Others are also drinking but of course not as much as me...

Now I am starting to get that wine buzz that is so much better than beer and I want to keep that going.  I start drinking it faster than usual and we play cards or go to the hot tub or watch the olympics.  I probably have 2-3 glasses of wine to everyone else's one.  I pretend that no one notices how many times I get up to get more, but I am sure they all do just don't want to say anything.  I get a couple of looks from my kids, but I reassure them that I am fine.

So that was what every day looked like, but the last night was the worst. I had been thinking for awhile about taking another break after vacation - no more parties, holidays, vacations, school starting, etc. so I think I had the "one last hurrah" in my head.  I used to do that all the time when I quit smoking.  for two years I would smoke (while drinking) so much I would make myself good and sick every Saturday and quit every Sunday.  i think I did the same thing Tuesday night.  I got sloppy drunk.  I spilled my wine, my daughter said I got annoying.  I felt like I was OK, but looking back I probably was pretty drunk.

The scary part is that at midnight when we went back to our room to go to bed, my kids and nephew are getting their beds ready, dh is in the bedroom getting ready for bed, and I am slamming the last two glasses of wine left in a bottle in my room in the bathroom.  I am talking gulping it down (warm white wine no less) while now one is watching right before I am going to bed!  I think that might be a problem...

My very first post Summer 2011

Thursday, July 7, 2011

7/5/11 (Tues) - First Day of Blog - Need a Change - Terrible Hangover

10:00 - I feel terrible today.  I drank too much again last night.  My heart is palpitating,  I cannot focus on anything.  My head feels dizzy.  I feel very shaky. I cannot understand why I can’t control my struggles over alcohol.  I have been trying for so long.  I really don’t know if I am powerless or if I do have power but am just not trying hard enough.  

I had a dream last night that we were at a bowling ally and I really wanted a cigarette.  I looked at the menu, and ordered one (even though I knew I shouldn’t).  I knew the kids were with me and they would not approve. I did it anyway - just pushed those thoughts away.  When I walked away from the counter, I had a beer in my hand instead - it was morning.  Is that dream telling me that it is time to stop?  That maybe I am powerless, and if I don’t stop soon it will just get worse?  

I have been trying to moderate for 10 years now.  Some months I do better, but overall, still the same if not worse.  I am still binge drinking almost every weekend, and now I am wanting to drink during the week and start earlier in the day on the weekends.  I hardly ever go 4 days in a row without drinking.  I drink by myself, I hide it.  I plan activities, gatherings, parties just so I can drink.  I think about it constantly.....am I drinking today?  How much?  When will I start?  What will the plan be?  It is consuming me.  That’s weird, because I am actually consuming it.  

I am not being a good role model to my children.  Two days ago I was trying to talk to my son and he said, “Mom, I don’t even know what you are saying.”  I could be in denial and say he just wasn’t understanding me, but maybe I really wasn’t making any sense.  My daughter waits until I have had a couple of glasses of wine to ask me if she can do something.  I am entirely to sensitive, probably because I know I have a problem, I just don’t want anyone else to think badly of me.  I think it (my addiction) is slowly becoming something too big for me too handle.  I am so confused, depressed, angry, defeated....I do know that I will not poison my body today.  

6:00  I have wasted this whole day.  I am so tired, more like exhausted.  I have eaten crap all day and done nothing.  I do know what is going to happen.  I will feel better tomorrow and thoughts will start creeping in that say, “You can moderate.  It isn’t that big of a deal, just do better.  Pay attention...count...stay hydrated ..... use the tools, etc.”   By Friday, I will have fully convinced myself that I am fine and will drink, probably more than planned. Then I will drink again on Saturday, maybe on Sunday, and will start this cycle over again for the millionth time.  

 I am going to make a list of the reasons I do want to quit.

No more hangovers - no wasted days

Feel less depressed - not guilty about letting myself down

Be more calm - in a better mood with family

Get to the gym on a regular basis

Focus on my weight/health goals

Have less anxiety - feel good about myself and my choices

Fin peace that I will never find on the path I am on

Be less sensitive - feel good about myself so I won’t worry so much about what everyone else thinks

I am going to journal everyday about how I feel.  How it is going.  Maybe getting my feelings out will help.