Monday, December 5, 2016
12/5/16 (Mon) Old, ugly, out of shape and tired
I have been feeling really weird lately. I was never the most gorgeous person in the room, but I think people thought I looked alright. My outgoing personality, the fact that I worked out all the time (and it showed) and my happy, positive outlook made me pretty popular with people in my 20s and 30s. My high school years - not so much - I was awkward, insecure, uncomfortable, anxious, a little shy - kind of like am now when I don't drink. I'm sure the drinking helped as I was always ready to party it up and have a great time! My 40s have been spent really struggling with alcohol. I feel bipolar. Sometimes I am back in my 20s and 30s, having a great time, socializing, drinking, being popular. But now that also comes with hangovers, depression, anxiety and being out of shape. Sometimes I am trying not to drink and I am back in my teens - anxious, insecure, depressed, feeling left out. I am going to be 50 in about 14 months and I think it is messing with my mind. I am also 20 pounds overweight, tired looking, sometimes grumpy and ALWAYS exhausted! I feel insignificant - like I don't matter anymore. Like my opinion doesn't matter anymore because I am just that frumpy, overweight, old lady that doesn't matter. Like I am not longer able to make a contribution. I have never felt this way before and it is really messing with me. I am not longer the fun, cute, in shape, vivacious, outgoing, happy, successful person. I feel insecure, anxious, questioning my self worth, it is just very strange. Maybe this is what they call a mid life crisis. How do I shake myself out of it?
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I am 63, and I struggled with growing older.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard in the culture of youth.
I think it comes down to the fact that we have no choice.
I will grow old, I am older, and I can accept that or not.
My mother is 91 and still does many fun things.
But she does have to use mental self-talk to keep going on some days.
Me too.
xo
Wendy
I totally understand how you feel! I turn 50 in Feb. I used to work out a ton, but now I am 55 lbs overweight because of alcohol. I don't want to go through another year sitting on the couch drinking wine every night!
ReplyDeleteYou start by quitting drinking.
ReplyDeleteThe rest follows.
There is nothing fun about sitting on the couch drinking. I desperately remember having these exact same thoughts.
Without booze life would be dull, I would be bored, nothing would be worth it.
That is all addiction holding you in its claws. My life became vibrant, limitless and joyful.
It's hard to get the ball rolling. Have you considered looking into an outpatient or van an inpatient treatment program? Perhaps a serious change like that would help you move down th sober road.