Monday, December 5, 2016
12/5/16 (Mon) Old, ugly, out of shape and tired
I have been feeling really weird lately. I was never the most gorgeous person in the room, but I think people thought I looked alright. My outgoing personality, the fact that I worked out all the time (and it showed) and my happy, positive outlook made me pretty popular with people in my 20s and 30s. My high school years - not so much - I was awkward, insecure, uncomfortable, anxious, a little shy - kind of like am now when I don't drink. I'm sure the drinking helped as I was always ready to party it up and have a great time! My 40s have been spent really struggling with alcohol. I feel bipolar. Sometimes I am back in my 20s and 30s, having a great time, socializing, drinking, being popular. But now that also comes with hangovers, depression, anxiety and being out of shape. Sometimes I am trying not to drink and I am back in my teens - anxious, insecure, depressed, feeling left out. I am going to be 50 in about 14 months and I think it is messing with my mind. I am also 20 pounds overweight, tired looking, sometimes grumpy and ALWAYS exhausted! I feel insignificant - like I don't matter anymore. Like my opinion doesn't matter anymore because I am just that frumpy, overweight, old lady that doesn't matter. Like I am not longer able to make a contribution. I have never felt this way before and it is really messing with me. I am not longer the fun, cute, in shape, vivacious, outgoing, happy, successful person. I feel insecure, anxious, questioning my self worth, it is just very strange. Maybe this is what they call a mid life crisis. How do I shake myself out of it?