12/29/16 (Thurs) Made it through last night - worried about tonight

Last night was great! Went to a pottery painting place for my dd's 22nd birthday and then out to a nice dinner.  I made a box with the Chinese symbol for "patience" written on it as that is my word of the year. The painting took around 2 1/2 hours and I was much more patient just sitting there than I would have been if I was going to drink at dinner.  If I was going to drink, I would have probably suggested that dh and I walk over to the restaurant, sit at the bar and wait for them. Instead we sat with my 18 yo ds, 22 yo dd and her boyfriend, PATIENTLY, while they finished.  I noticed three things at dinner.  One, it seems to take a lot longer for the food to get to the table when you are not drinking- two, there were a lot of tables with no one drinking.  I found that fascinating. Three, the bill was much cheaper.  Also, my ds didn't have to drive home which he was happy about - kind of embarrassing that an 18 yo has to drive his buzzed parents home all the time. I had a nice time without drinking :)

Today is going to be difficult.  My sister, the one I drink with, is having Christmas at her house as she was out of town last weekend.  I really don't want to drink anything.  I finally got some sleep last night as it was night three after my last night of drinking.   I am finally getting some energy back and feel like actually doing something with my day.  If I drink tonight, I know I will be tired all over again tomorrow.  But...I just don't want to deal with their response when I say I am not drinking.  Part of me just wants to have one glass of wine and tell her on New year's Day.  Honestly I don't want the wine bc I secretly want it, I really just don't want to have the conversation today and I don't want to disappoint her by not drinking. Maybe I will pick up some hard seltzers and also bring some regular seltzers.  She will think I am drinking the hard ones but they will actually be the regular ones.  That way I am not drinking and also don't have to talk about it bc she will think I am.  I can deal with the whole conversation in January.  She knows I sometimes don't drink in January, so it won't be surprising. Then, at the end of January, I will just tell everyone how much better I feel and that I want to keep it going.

There is something super scary about telling people I am never drinking again - I think it might be bc I don't have a whole lot of confidence in myself and don't want to look like a failure if I fail.  I have said it before, and I think everyone now just rolls their eyes.

My other difficult day is New Year's Eve - also with her - we are going out to dinner.  Right now my trigger is not the events - I can do both of those without drinking - it is her - not in a bad way but just because I have always liked drinking with her and don't want her to be bummed out that I am not drinking.....kinda stupid but true...