So here is what happened. I was so tired yesterday. I hadn't slept well the last couple of nights and was just worn out from a week of teaching. After work I go to the store for stuff to make dinner and think, "A glass of wine would be really good right now. Wrap a couple Christmas presents. Make some dinner. Drink a couple of glass of wine. No big deal. Just have 2 glasses. What's the big deal?" Then I think, "Wait a minute. What happened to a quiet, relaxing, sober weekend? I am really just exhausted. I should go home a take a nap. Wine or nap?" So after that I just stopped thinking. Got a bottle of wine. Had 2.5 glasses, Got a little hyper while cooking. Got really tired after. Went to bed at a decent time and felt like I was having a heart attach until about 1:00 in the morning! My heart would not stop POUNDING in my chest and the left side kinda hurt. Ridiculous! I didn't even drink that much! Most people can drink 2 glasses of wine and be just fine! Makes me kinda mad! Not sure if I was just imagining the pain, but needless to say...I'm tired today. Not hungover (thank goodness) but certainly tired. Poured the rest of the wine down the sink this morning and will try again tonight to not drink.
I was thinking when I woke up - because that is what I do every morning and usually sets the stage for the rest of my day. I was thinking, "Why did I drink? What was the purpose? Why did I feel the need? I think one of two things might have been at play (and it wasn't the sun shining - LOL - for those of you that know that is a big Friday afternoon trigger of mine. It is freezing here).
One - I think maybe that when I am really tired I lose my motivation. I just kinda lose the fight in myself. I am too tired to fight so I just give in. I am not a "bad times" drinker. If I am upset, angry or sad I don't drink, but I do when I am bored and/or maybe when I am too tired to fight. I have always known the bored trigger but never considered the tired trigger.
Plan for this - Maybe if I try to take better care of myself during the week (work out, eat well, get plenty of sleep, drink lots of water) I will have more resolve and energy to stick to my guns on the weekend.
Two - I think alcohol gives me a brief energy burst. After I had finished one glass of wine, I was singing to the radio and having a great time. I certainly wasn't tire anymore for about 2 hours. It was great! I am so used to Friday and Saturday nights being filled with fun, energy, drinking, laughing, socializing and having a great time.
Plan for this - I'm really not sure. I know a big trigger on the weekends (the only time I drink) is boredom. I am not comfortable with being bored on the weekends. It doesn't feel like a weekend. It is almost like my weekend has lost its appeal. For the past 20 years I have always looked forward to relaxing, cutting lose, having fun, being hyper, socializing - kind of rewarding myself for finishing a week - weekends. I'm really not quite sure how to flip that script. It sounds so stupid to say but - what is the point of even having a weekend if I can't drink and have a good time? I know that is ridiculous but I think it is the way my brain thinks or has been conditioned to think. I need to figure out a way to have fun, fight boredom, socialize, unwind and enjoy weekends without drinking.
Ya...Ya...I know...just do it for awhile and it will come....easier said than done...
I'm a teacher as well. I have never had the shakes, I didn't drink daily, I didn't drink in the morning but I'm an alcoholic. Having a dependency on alcohol makes one an alcoholic.
ReplyDeleteDuring your holiday breaks and summers, do you wait until the weekend to drink? Your story sounds so familiar to me. Giving up alcohol is not easy if you're dependent on it for any reason. It is a continuous struggle but you must truly be ready to let it go.
Alcoholism causes undue stress and anxiety to your family when you overindulge(especially your children). It is not fair to them. I know this directly and indirectly. I drank because I was self medicating. My mother was a teacher who never had the shakes, didn't drink in the morning, and didn't drink daily.
Please be honest with yourself whatever your truth may be. You will not stop drinking until you are ready. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. I personal think that sobriety is worth fighting for.
Thank you! I am definitely not in denial that I have a drinking problem. What I struggle with is - Can I control it?
DeleteTeaching is hard work.
ReplyDeleteIt was mentally and physically exhausting for me, and the only way I came to deal with it was by drinking, first going to happy hours with other teachers once a week, to later, drinking with just a teacher friend, 2 times a week, and then with hubs on the weekend.
I was a binge drinker. One, two were not enough.
When I retired from teaching, I found that 2 glasses made me ill, but that didn't stop me.
I also felt that the weekend was my time to let loose and drinking was the way to do that.
Now, it's just as fun, we still do everything we did before, except I don't wake up with a hangover. It took time for me to get to this point, as I kept feeling sorry for myself.
But not anymore.
xo
Wendy
Hi! When I quit for 9 months, I felt sorry for myself the whole time. It definitely was not fun. I felt physically and emotionally better, but I can say my weekends were not longer "fun". Maybe I need to redefine fun.
DeleteThe only place and time recovery happens is in the here and now. Yes, you can overthink and analyze it to death, while mindlessly engaging in behaviors that lead to drinking, and this seems to happen even to the most intelligent and educated addicts.
ReplyDeleteSomething like this might work for you, and help to get you present focused. It is from Alan Marlatt. When you have a thought about drinking:
Stop: pause for a moment and consider what you are doing. Timeout.
Observe: What’s going on with me? Think about what you are sensing, feeling and experiencing, mentally and physically. What events/situation preceded the urge/lapse? Environmental triggers, person/place/event?
Breathe: take a few deep breaths (abdominal). Give yourself some breathing room.
Expand your awareness and remind yourself of what will happen if you keep repeating the unwanted behavior and how you will feel afterward, repeated negative consequences. No shaming, just review and examine behavior and consequences.
Respond mindfully: Make note of your intention. Remember that
- you have a choice
- you are not powerless
- you don't have to continue the undesired behavior.
Renew your commitment.
I overthink and over analyze EVERYTHING! Especially my drinking. I think when it comes to drinking it is a form of stalling from what I really need to do - stop drinking. Thank you for that advice. I think that I somewhat do all of that (although I really don't stop very long to think about it) but the problem is that I do not "feel" powerless. In the moment I do feel like I have control and that I am choosing to drink. That seems kind weird when I type it bc ultimately I don't want to drink, so maybe the alcohol is actually the one in charge even through it doesn't feel like it in that moment. It definitely feels like it when I have a hangover, but not in that moment when I choose to drink. Does that make any sense?
Delete