Friday, December 30, 2016

12/30/16 (Fri) - I'm ready

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So I did drink last night and as expected almost a whole bottle of wine - once again (for the millionth time) proving my inability to successfully moderate.  So dumb - I was finally sleeping again and then drank.  I got 4 hours of sleep last night, woke up with that shaky feeling inside and an upset tummy.  I don't feel great physically, but do feel positive and ready to begin my sober January (at least) today. I feel like I am coming from a positive place of not even caring if I drink on New Years. I really am just done with this insanity and ready to start a new chapter to my life.

I got to experience drinking these last few times doing what I like while drinking.  Last weekend - I got to go to one of our favorite restaurant and have some great IPAs with my husband.  Last Wednesday I got to have some drinks with my favorite drinking neighbor, and last night I got to have wine with my favorite drinking sister.  All three times I have suffered the aftermath as well, so now I really am looking forward to getting to experience my life sober. I did have 9 sober months a couple of years ago so I know some of the positive benefits of not drinking.

I am looking forward to sleeping the most. Here are some other things I am excited for:

the sense of calm that comes with not debating about drinking in my head
the sense of slowing down and having patience on the weekends
actually keeping my workout goals
going back to yoga
eating healthy
being more active
becoming a strong woman/positive role model for my children
being less depressed, irritable, anxious
feeling better physically

What I will really need to work on this time

remaining positive in my sobriety
I want everyone to look at me and say, "Wow! Look how happy she is sober!"
I may have to fake it until I make it
not sitting around feeling sorry for myself

This is a big one - realize that I will have cravings, I will try to talk myself into drinking, I will tell myself that I am ok - that I am not that bad, that I really should try to moderate again, that I just need to try harder this time.  I need to use patience to get through those cravings, to realize that they will pass and that I need to look at the bigger picture, at what I want long term instead of what I want right that minute.

This one killed me last time - I need to not isolate myself.  I need to find a balance between saying no to events where I know I could cave but also still be social in safer situation instead of avoiding all social contact.  I did that last time and it was depressing, boring and lonely.

I need to find a way to - one - accept boredom and be ok with it and - two - try to do new things to keep from being bored.

Boredom, isolation, complacency, the need to be accepted/included and my own lack of patience with the process will be the things that will derail my efforts.

To fight complacency, I need to keep posting, to keep recording my journey. When I stop blogging, I know I am going to eventually start drinking again.  I have noticed that from my blogging history.  Int he past when I stop thinking about not drinking, I tell myself I am all better and can try again.  I need to be vigilant in my working on staying sober. One of the ways I can do this is to continue to blog - even when I think things are going well in sobriety.  I could never understand why my alcoholic father would always relapse when things where going well.  I now understand - it is in those times of being confident in your sobriety that you also feel confident and strong mentally and physically. Those positive/confident/strong feelings tell you that you strong enough to try once again to drink like a "normal" person.  I need to remind myself that I feel strong and confident because I am not drinking and that drinking again will rob me of all those good feelings. It's just not worth it.

I am going to love myself enough to do this for myself. Today is the first day of my sober journey and I am really excited to see how much better my life can be.  For all of you out there who are constantly reminding me you great it can be - thank you because I am going to just have faith you are right and try. If you didn't keep reminding me, I probably would not be willing to go through the difficult parts of healing myself.  Thanks for being there for me :)

1 comment:

  1. You know what to do.
    Now, you need to do it!
    I know the hardest part of getting started is just starting!
    You will feel so good!