Wednesday, December 14, 2016

12/14/16 (Wed) Contemplating

I don't know if I want to commit to this, but I am thinking about trying to not drink for 1 year.  That scares the crap out of me bc I am fairly certain I will once again fail.  I will be 49 next month and I am 20 pounds over weight, out of shape, have become insecure, anxious, unmotivated and uninspired about life.  I want the old me - the fit, healthy, secure, happy, positive person back that I used to be BUT without the alcohol.  I would love to be the person I was again in my 20s - all of those things with the alcohol, but I don't think it is possible anymore.  My body and mind have changed in the way they process alcohol.  My relationship with alcohol has changed.  Its like a toxic friend you keep calling every weekend.  You don't know why you do it (something about it is satisfying) but you do and while you are talking to her it all seems fine. But afterwards you are exhausted and feel like crap. I have a friend like that. I don't talk to her much anymore bc we aren't very good for each other in terms of drinking.  Whenever I talk to her she is always so down about everything in her life. I think in some terrible sort of way, it makes me feel better about mine. I know that I enjoy our conversations much more when we are drinking. Maybe alcohol does the same thing for me, makes be feel better.  I really, honestly don't know why I drink other than I feel like having some drinks on Friday and Saturday nights.  It's just what I do on the weekends, it's what  have always done, it's the only way I can enjoy my Friday and Saturday evenings.  I know it makes the other 5 days crappy, but it doesn't seem to matter on a weekend night. It almost seems juvenile and immature - I want what I want when I want it!

I was watching Intervention last night (again..people worse than me makes me feel better about myself) and two comments stood out to me:
The meth addict said, "I can't even enjoy anything anymore without it."
I definitely feel that way on Friday and Saturday nights.  That is pretty messed up! I need a drug to enjoy my weekend!  Am I no better than the meth addict shooting up in an alley?

"It is dark and evil.....but it is everything."
I don't think I am that far gone, but it scares me that even that statement has an impact on me.


  1. Instead of a year, in lieu of making a detailed plan, just shoot for one weekend. I've followed your blog for years and we go as far back as MM together. Maybe a new path is just to keep it simple and shoot for a sober weekend. Try ceasing on being so hard on yourself and maybe you also want to stop the what ifs, should've, would've, could've. You are so hard on yourself. Each day you have a choice to change anything you don't like. Just try this weekend.

    1. I STRUGGLE so much with - should I make a month commitment? Then I might just be white knuckling it. Should I make a year commitment? That scares the crap out of me. I so often have analysis paralysis which is actually procrastination.

  2. Sending you lots of good wishes. I think a year off is a good plan. You can re-evaluate at the end of that, but taking a year to see what life without booze is like will give you a good break from the misery and some good perspective on all this. Looking forward to seeing what you decide. xo

  3. I understand so well. As a fellow weekend drinker the fact that I kept it together during the week proved I was ok....but I wasn't. Anxiety and depression plagued me. Mo days were horrible. I hated myself and my life...yet somehow by Friday I was able to forget the nightmare and drink again.

    The weekends were hard for a while. It was bizarre to be sober. Time dragged. But I also felt better physically almost immediately. And, I desperately needed to hold myself to my promise of a year. Desperately.

    As I wrote this I am in vegas. With my also sober husband...having a blast. We go to Jennifer Lopez tomorrow night.

    I never anticipated or expected sobriety to be amazing. But it can be.


    1. This is a terrible thing to say...but Vegas sound torturous without drinking!...did you once feel that way?

    2. Of course.
      When I quit I never thought I would have fun again.
      My husband and I were definitely drinkers.booze was a must. Our house was called the Simpsons sports bar...

      I never, even cold have believed a person could have fun at vegas without booze.

      But I was wrong. I have more fun. We say Jennifer Lopez. We went to the Las Vegas bowl. We gambled.

      I laughed and smiled and enjoyed every minute.

      It can happen. It's one of those bizarre truths. We believe alcohol is making life more fun, when it is really sucking the life out of everything.