Tuesday, December 27, 2016

12/27/16 (Tues) Bloated and tired but thinking clearly

Of course, as tired as I was, I didn't sleep well last night and bc of all the salty junk food I ate yesterday my body feels like total crap. At least my head feels a little better today, and maybe I can actually clean up my house.

I really think that I have finally had enough.  I need to do some thinking on the following truths:

Truth #1 - I am not like normal drinkers.

PS - What is a normal drinker anyway?  There aren't any normal heroine users or normal crack smokers?  It's just a drug. I just get so sick of how accepted alcohol is in society.  It is the only drug you have to make up excuses for not using and seem like an oddball because you aren't taking it. Remember when smoking was accepted and everyone was doing it.  I was just a little kid and don't remember personally but my mom has told me about it.  When will this be true for alcohol?  When will society see that it is a destructive drug that ruins lives and it won't be so "cool" anymore. There was a wine commercial on the yesterday that showed all these beautiful adults getting together sharing memories over a glass of wine. The tag line was something like - for all the good times worth remembering.  What a line of bullshit!  And it still got in my head - even in the middle of a hangover! What about my special times? I won't be able to have a glass of wine to celebrate?  That sucks! Forget it! I'm not going to quit.  I can control it.  All of that mental bullshit bc of one stupid commercial on TV!

Anyway - I can't drink like others who are able to moderate.

PS - Most of the drinkers I know think they are moderating when in fact the majority of them are also addicted to it but don't want to see it or accept it.  No one is willing to do even 30 days with me! NO ONE! I get "no way" "why would I do that"  "that sounds horrible"  "I would love to but I have this, this and this in January".  They don't want to do it bc they don't want to give up alcohol for one month! It is just all so ridiculous and really does make me angry at our alcohol washed society in general.

Anyway - I know I can't control my alcohol intake once I start drinking.  I can hardly ever stop at two. Something happens in my brain after two. It isn't even like I am arguing with myself. I don't actually say "screw it" either. It is so weird.  I just totally forget I have a problem. All is right with the world, and I am just like everyone else.  I don't really even get all that drunk in my own head anymore.  I probably look drunk to people around me, but I am not slurring or stumbling  - maybe just a little loud and obnoxious but it doesn't seem out of place to me in my own head at the time.  I am usually drinking more than most people, so I'm sure they notice.  In fact, on Christmas day, I was the only one drinking.  How messed up was that? I never really feel drunk enough to think, "I'm going to feel like shit tomorrow."  Sometimes - even after a whole bottle of wine - I think to myself that I'm not that drunk so I can have more - that I will feel OK the next day. I know from years of experience that even if I don't feel drunk after an entire bottle of wine - I will most definitely feel like shit the next day.  It is the weirdest thing - how alcohol changes my ability to think rationally - to remember past experiences - to see things clearly -  while I am drinking.

Truth #2 - My body does not process alcohol like it used to.

In fact I don't think I can process it at all any more.  Even after only 3 drinks, I feel shitty the next day.  It doesn't even matter how much, what time I stop, if I ate, how much water I drank or what the alcohol was - I just can't stop at two and then feel like crap the next day (even after only 3).  Plus, depending on how much I drank - it takes 2-4 days to actually recover, before I don't just feel like I am in a walking coma just trying to get through my day.

Physically I am suffering - heart palpitations, debilitating insomnia, terrible intestinal troubles for days after drinking - out of shape - overweight - always exhausted. All kinds of internal pain that I have no idea what it is.

Mentally it is even worse - by the time I feel better physically (the next weekend), I want to drink again.  I never give my brain time to recover. I constantly have brain fog, sometimes can't even articulate myself very well when sober, forgetful,  emotional, depressed, terrible anxiety, obsessive issues, irritable, unmotivated. I think I even have alcohol induced bipolar.  I am either on a high thinking about drinking and then actually drinking (Thurs- Sat) or on a total low recovering from and obsessing about drinking (Sun- Tues). Wednesday is really the only day of the week were I feel better and also don't want to drink. So what - I have one good day out of 7? Ridiculous!

The name of my blog is Searching for Balance.  When I first started, my goal was to find a balance with my drinking - to figure out how to successfully moderate.  After all these years - I think I am realizing that I will never have the balance and peace I so desperately desire without completely eliminating alcohol from my life.  It is the one thing that is continually throwing me out of balance. It might be time to give up the high highs (12 hours of the week on Fri and Sat nights) so that I stop having the low lows (the other 156 hours of the week).

Truth #3 - Nothing is going to change in my life until I stop drinking.  

I can either choose to live this way for another week, month, year, decade, rest of my life - because this is the way I will live if I choose to keep fighting this fight - trying to control something I can't control. Haven't the last 10 years proven this?


I can do something different. Just give it a shot (as scary as it sounds - and I am scared - scared of boredom, nothing being fun anymore, failure). Trust all of you who say it is better,  Just give it a shot. What do I have to lose? If it really is terrible, I can always go back to my weekend shit show of drinking and hangovers, but if it really is a better, more peaceful way to live, how will I I ever know if I don't at least try. Just to see.


  1. Truth 1- I agree. Most people drink too much. That's ok. Maybe they don't wish otherwise, but you do, like I did. So, for us, this is not a good place to be.
    Truth 2- that's part of substance abuse. The inability to know how alcohol will affect us. I had this too. It scared me.
    Truth 3. Yes. It still very hard for anything to change when all our energy and focus is in maintains addictive behaviour.
    And it is so very scary. But, like most things that are worth doing, there is exhilaration in the scariness.

    I found Allen carrs book how to control alcohol really helped shift my thoughts.
    Plus, sober is becoming more and more fashionable. Being sloppily drunk is passé!

    It's nice to one of the trend setters!

    Hug. Deep thoughts.


    1. You are so right about how much energy I put into trying to be able to drink - maintaining an addictive behavior.
      I did read Allen Carr's book but I think it is time to read it again. He just made the stupidity of it all so clear in such a black and white way. Almost like it isn't even my fault I can't control it bc it is a drug.

  2. You are getting into some deep thinking. This is usually when you have come to a fork in the road - decisions, decisions. Do I keep going on the path I'm on (which is making me miserable), or take a leap of faith and go down the other path? It is scary, but that's just life. Surrender is hard..but the rewards are worth it. Give it 30 days then reassess. Plus you make sobriety out to be so miserable...it really isn't - haha! I love being silly sober. Better than being a drunken mess and think I'm funny, when in fact I was just pretty pathetic. Big hugs. Good luck. Always pulling for you.

    1. Thank you! I am for sure doing 30 days in January. My hope is that during those 30 days I realize I need to do it forever rather than just waiting for the 30 to be over. I would really like to try a whole year....