Tuesday, December 20, 2016

12/20/16 (Tues) Yesterday was terrible and winter break?

It is so hard to be a teacher when you don't feel mentally "with it".  I was so tired and out of it yesterday.  Sometime I wish I had a desk job where I could just hide from the world. And then I think - no I don't! I would really hate a boring desk job.  I hate to be bored.  Wanting a desk job is me recovering from drinking over the weekend.  It's just so ridiculous the influence has on my whole life - even when not drinking. AND - I didn't even drink that much! Why do I feel so crappy???????

Two more days of school and then I'm on winter break and what am I thinking about?  Alcohol! Am I going to drink? When? How much? Maybe I just shouldn't drink? What if we get invited to a party?  What are other situations that would make it hard to not drink?  I know I will want to Wednesday after school. But I really don't want to spend my break obsessing, exhausted, depressed, anxious, defeated....But I really do want to be able to drink just a little over break...I am not drinking in January so I might as well.  But do I want to start January off feeling like crap bc I drank over break? I know I would feel so much better in January if I don't drink. But I want to. But I don't want to feel shitty about myself. OMG!!! SO mind numbingly exhausting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  1. You poor thing...I so remember those internal mind struggles. I used to teach, and I would be hungover all school year, but when holidays or summer rolled around I never drank - funny huh? I guess I realized that breaks are for recovery...just my thoughts. I think of you daily and hope you find peace soon. Hugs.

    1. Thank you for thinking of me. I am ok...still fighting the fight :) I haven't given up yet.
      I am the opposite. I find it so difficult to teach with a hangover, so don't drink during the week. Weekends and breaks kill me. I always drink too much and unfortunately my hangovers now last for days so it does spill over into my work week.

  2. Drinking a little is holding you in hell.
    Truly go back and read your responses to the alcohol abuse test. Even one positive answer is a warning sign. You agreed with almost all of them.

    It is impossible to see our own situations from inside them. Truly.

    I spent a long time debating should I, maybe a few, screw it, I deserve a drink...shit, I feel terrible and wish my life was different...and everyone else does this, why shouldn't I.

    In the end I was a highly paid, well respected engineer, a volunteer who sat on boards of major charities, fit, well dressed, I had a lovely family and a nice home...and I hated it all. I hated myself. I desperately wanted things to be different and I wasn't even sure why. I was biding my time...waiting to die.

    The freedom from that bizarre thinking is unbelievable. I put down a huge weight. Joy took its place.

    I miss nothing. I don't feel a bit deprived. I have deep heartfelt compassion for anyone still drinking and wishing they weren't. That fear of sobriety is so huge...addiction is powerful.

    Chose life. It's so worth it...

    1. As always...thank you...how long did it take for you to feel this way once you quit?
      I read some of your blog...I love it! I can't seem to respond bc I need some sort of wordpress password and didn't have time to figure it out, but I will.
      I was intrigued by your post on choosing one word for the year to focus on...I think I'm going to try it.