Tuesday, December 20, 2016

12/20/16 (Tues) Yesterday was terrible and winter break?

It is so hard to be a teacher when you don't feel mentally "with it".  I was so tired and out of it yesterday.  Sometime I wish I had a desk job where I could just hide from the world. And then I think - no I don't! I would really hate a boring desk job.  I hate to be bored.  Wanting a desk job is me recovering from drinking over the weekend.  It's just so ridiculous the influence has on my whole life - even when not drinking. AND - I didn't even drink that much! Why do I feel so crappy???????

Two more days of school and then I'm on winter break and what am I thinking about?  Alcohol! Am I going to drink? When? How much? Maybe I just shouldn't drink? What if we get invited to a party?  What are other situations that would make it hard to not drink?  I know I will want to Wednesday after school. But I really don't want to spend my break obsessing, exhausted, depressed, anxious, defeated....But I really do want to be able to drink just a little over break...I am not drinking in January so I might as well.  But do I want to start January off feeling like crap bc I drank over break? I know I would feel so much better in January if I don't drink. But I want to. But I don't want to feel shitty about myself. OMG!!! SO mind numbingly exhausting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 comments:

  1. You poor thing...I so remember those internal mind struggles. I used to teach, and I would be hungover all school year, but when holidays or summer rolled around I never drank - funny huh? I guess I realized that breaks are for recovery...just my thoughts. I think of you daily and hope you find peace soon. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you for thinking of me. I am ok...still fighting the fight :) I haven't given up yet.
      I am the opposite. I find it so difficult to teach with a hangover, so don't drink during the week. Weekends and breaks kill me. I always drink too much and unfortunately my hangovers now last for days so it does spill over into my work week.

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  2. Drinking a little is holding you in hell.
    Truly go back and read your responses to the alcohol abuse test. Even one positive answer is a warning sign. You agreed with almost all of them.

    It is impossible to see our own situations from inside them. Truly.

    I spent a long time debating should I, maybe a few, screw it, I deserve a drink...shit, I feel terrible and wish my life was different...and everyone else does this, why shouldn't I.

    In the end I was a highly paid, well respected engineer, a volunteer who sat on boards of major charities, fit, well dressed, I had a lovely family and a nice home...and I hated it all. I hated myself. I desperately wanted things to be different and I wasn't even sure why. I was biding my time...waiting to die.

    The freedom from that bizarre thinking is unbelievable. I put down a huge weight. Joy took its place.

    I miss nothing. I don't feel a bit deprived. I have deep heartfelt compassion for anyone still drinking and wishing they weren't. That fear of sobriety is so huge...addiction is powerful.

    Chose life. It's so worth it...

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    1. As always...thank you...how long did it take for you to feel this way once you quit?
      I read some of your blog...I love it! I can't seem to respond bc I need some sort of wordpress password and didn't have time to figure it out, but I will.
      I was intrigued by your post on choosing one word for the year to focus on...I think I'm going to try it.

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