Wednesday, December 28, 2016

12/28/16 (Wed) Three more events and past New Year'e Eves

So last night my dh came home pretty intoxicated from his friends house.  I was so glad that wasn't me. I found myself just staring at him with a weird, fascinated look on my face.  He did not think he was that drunk when he clearly was.  He was laughing and joking and super loud and very intoxicated.  Is this how I seem to others when I don't even feel that drunk in my own head.  I wasn't at all mad at him, just feel bad for how he was going to feel today. He never seems to feel as bad as me tho - go figure.

Today is the third day sober since I drank over Christmas. Still can't sleep, still have tummy troubles - but it should start getting better.

I have three more events before January 1 (my 30 day at least starting day) and I really don;t want to drink at any of them.  First, today is my dd 22 birthday and we are taking her out to dinner.  Today shouldn't be too bad - dh probably won't want to drink and my dd and her boyfriend don't drink that much.  The only hard part will be a nice restaurant without a glass of wine, but I should be ok.

Second, we have a 2nd Christmas tomorrow with my sister and her family.  She is a huge trigger for me. Not in a bad way - just bc I like to drink with her.  My mom will also be there which is a huge trigger but not in a good way - to reduce anxiety. Tomorrow will be hard.  I can say I will only drink a little so I don't have to deal with all the questions.  My 30 in January is nothing new and no one will say much. I can sit her and say I won't drink much and I will really try but I am 99% sure that once I have 2 drinks I will want 3 and then my head will forget all of the pain, misery and heartache and want more.  I am 99% sure my brain will say, "who cares? you are quitting January 1 last good time. You won't even have a hangover bc you aren't even that drunk.  it will all be fine."  And then I am 100% sure I will feel like shit AGAIN on Friday and have to start my 4 days of misery recovering again.

Thirdly, New Year's Eve.  This one night has always meant getting totally wasted bc for once everyone else is and no one will notice or judge me. This one night has become maybe my favorite holiday bc I can drink and everyone else is drinking with me (as sad as that sounds - it is the truth). New Year's Day has become a day of torture and misery with my worst hangovers. Luckily, I have 2 prior sober New Year's Eves under my belt.

The first sober New Year's Eve since I was 17 yo (except when pregnant) was in 2011. That one was rough. I was home in my bed by myself bawling bc I couldn't drink.  I felt so sorry for myself.  I think I blogged here like every 30 minutes just white knuckling it all the way to midnight.  I was sober that time bc of a particularly bad Christmas and I stayed sober until March.

Post from January 2012 - sober Dec - March

After 20 years of weekend binge drinking at least 2 times a month (which was also getting closer and closer to daily drinking) and trying soooooo hard to moderate... trike, fabs, abs, count, wait, slow down, eat, etc. for two years - I know that my path is abstinence.  It has taken my a long time and a lot of fighting with myself, but I feel a great sense of peace to be able to say this.  I can finally be the person I knew I could be.  I can be the role model, the one people look up to and are proud of.  I can finally be proud of myself.

For all of you who are successfully moderating - good for you.  There is a part of my that is jealous and I know how hard it is.  For those of you who are exhausted broken, beaten down, tired of the fight...there is another way.  I never thought I could be abstinent, and I am only on day 30 of forever, but I am, a this moment, at peace... something I have been longing for my whole life.  We all have our own path...this is mine.

The second was in 2012 when I had been sober since August (bc of a particularly bad summer break and an almost family ruining vacation in August) and stayed sober until April. That year I went out to dinner and a movie.  Everyone else drank. I did not. I was fine. It was fun. And I felt a million times better the next day.  

This was a post from January 4, 2013  (actually Dec 30 2012) - sober August - April

150 days is something to celebrate but certainly does not not mean I am "cured".  I need to be vigilant and stay the course one day at a time (and yes, I am finally starting to understand the meaning of that phrase). in fact last Friday I was just a second away from giving in.  I had that biggest urge at a restaurant we go to that has excellent micro beers, a fantastic menu and a really fun atmosphere. I don't think I have ever been there without drinking.  Perfect place to drink a few, go see a movie and then be ok to drive home :) It is connected to a mall and we were Christmas shopping afterward.  I want a beer sooooooooo bad and I almost, almost gave in.  I was 30 seconds away of being ok, ready to try again, strong enough to manage my intake, having fun, being like everyone else, being that normal drinker I so desperately wanted to be....but I didn't. Everyone else drank, but I did not.  That night I went to bed and tried to pretend that I had and how I would feel.  I would have been so upset at myself, I almost felt like crying just imagining it. Then I felt really proud of myself that I didn't.  All of the many small successes like this are making me finally feel the peace that comes without a stupid drug in my system.  That night I had many dreams about drinking and they were all fun!  Man this addiction is insidious and persistent! 

This was a post from January 4, 2014 -  not sober

As if that wasn't bad enough, we went to a New Year's Eve party in the neighborhood, in which I stayed until 3:30 am getting pretty hammered apparently.  Again, I didn't feel that drunk at the time, but I had one of the worst hangovers I have every had yesterday - never got out of bed, rapid heart beat, sweating, etc....I asked my dh if I seemed drunk bc I didn't really feel like it at the time.  He probably wouldn't have said anything unless I asked but since I did, he informed be of my behavior and the things I was saying (which I had forgotten about) and once again I made a total ass of myself - while at the same time feeling completely in control at the moment. 

Funny how alcohol doesn't even allow you to see how out of control you are getting - it is like a veil of complete bullshit in your own mind. Then,  my kids are telling me, "It's OK mom,  It was New Years. Everyone drinks too much.  Don't beat yourself up."  How terrible that I have my kids living in the same sense of denial, trying to make their hung over, drunk ass mom feel better because of her self inflicted poisoning of her own body!  Boy, that sure it setting a good example!

I AM DONE!!!!!!

This was a post from January 5, 2015 - not sober

Now for the scary part
New Years Eve - I was a person I did not recognize - I was so rude and mean to my friend.  All of my frustrations just came exploding out of my mouth.  I have never been like that to a friend before.  I texted her the next day to apologize.  When I went to bed that night, looked in the mirror and seriously did not recognize myself.  It was the weirdest thing to look in the mirror and be so wasted that you truly are confused at what you are seeing.  I just stared for the longest time. I literally tore my clothes off and slammed my myself into bed.  I was experiencing an anger that I had only felt a few times in my life - always when overdrinkng.  The scariest thing for me is that they are becoming more frequent (probably 5 in the last year - 5 in my whole life previously) and they were destroying my relationships and my own sense of worth.  What is happening to me?

This was a post from January 4, 2016 -  not sober

My Christmas break was a disaster.  Granted my daughter turned 21 and we took her to Vegas to celebrate, but it was a disaster all the way around.  I drank 11 of the 16 days with 4 pretty substantial hangovers.  I stopped taking the naltrexone and just went back to my old ways. 

The last day I drank was December 29 and it took 5 days to reenter my life.  My "brain fog" finally lifted yesterday and I go back to work today.  I have spent the last two weeks either drinking in the evenings or recovering from drinking.  I am totally exhausted.

I am not drinking the month of January (at least).  I need a break. My body needs a break.  My mind needs a break. My spirit needs a break. I feel so much better when I don't drink.  I am so much more patient, kind, quiet, calm and peaceful when I don't drink.  I need to stop letting my need to drink on Friday and Saturday nights ruin the rest of my life.

This year we are just going to dinner and coming home.  I think I might be ok unless my addiction bullshit voice tells me "one last time for awhile. it will be ok. let's just have some fun one more time before you quit. you don't have to work tomorrow. you have time to recover. it will be ok. pleeeeeeaaaaase. just one more time. everyone else is. it's new year's eve. what if you really don't ever drink again? this would be the last time. don't you want a last time.  just do it"

History sure speaks loudly.
What am I going to post this January 2017???? I guess it is all up to me...

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