Thursday, June 2, 2016

6/2/16 (Thurs) Terrible 2 weeks and Naltrexone (again)

Just to be honest with my record:

5/14 - 4 drinks (Saturday - party to attend)
5/15 - 4 drinks (Sunday - BBQ)
5/19 - 2 drinks (Thursday - no reason)
5/20 - 4 drinks (Friday - trip to the mountains)
5/21 - 4 drinks (Saturday - trip to the mountains)
5/24 - 2 drinks (Tuesday - drinks with collegues)
5/25 - 3 drinks (Wednesday - school party - last day)
5/27 - 5 drinks (Friday - drinks with neighbors)
5/28 - 4 drinks (Saturday - party to attend)
5/29 - 7 drinks (BBQ and party to attend)
5/30-6/2 - terrible hangover - my body seriously can't take that amount of alcohol

The end of the school year, all the parties, the sun shining - all so hard for me...

Here is where my brain is right now....trying naltrexone again with 100% compliance this time..but still question why not just stop all together.

I did take it for about 6 months - just 1/4 a pill because any more and I felt terrible even without drinking.  You take it 1 hour before drinking - every single time.  It's called targeted extinction because it makes the drinking itself not enjoyable.  If you aren't getting any of the high, you don't drink as much - at least that is how it worked for me - causing me to drinking less and care about drinking less over time.  I was not the hyper, happy, buzzed girl anymore. Instead I was the quiet, out of it, buzzed girl. One time I took the pill and 30 minutes later I felt kind of out of it, grumpy, quiet - not my usual talkative self.  My daughter asked, "What's wrong with you?  You seem a little quiet and withdrawn."  It does make me feel that way even before I drink.

It did cause me to drink less because I enjoyed it way less which lead to issues with compliance for me. Sometimes I would just not take the pill so I could enjoy the happy, hyper buzz.  That is the point of drinking for me. Plus I was still pouring poison into my body, still having all the same effects of alcohol without the happy high that I like so much - so I wondered what was the point? 

Is the point of taking naltrexone so I can drink - 

to be able to have a beer with friends on a sunny Friday afternoon on the porch or have that nice glass of wine with dinner - to not be different, to not stand out, to not have people think I was weird, to not be isolated and not included bc I wasn't drinking.  That is really what I tell myself, but if I'm not even really enjoying the experience bc of the naltrexone, why take it in the first place? Either drink, enjoy it and suffer the consequences or figure out how to enjoy life without drinking.


because it is just another rationalization so I can drink and not have to give it up forever.  That is very true - but with good intentions.  My intentions are always to drink less and less over time.  I so desperately want to not care about it anymore -to be able to have one once in a while and otherwise not care.  The Sinclair Method does do that for many people - but will it do that for me? I read that it may not work as well for people who drink for the high feeling alcohol brings (me) as for those that drink it for the taste or the relaxation, escapism, physical addiction (not me).   

So here is the million dollar question - 

Why am I even trying to continue to drink on naltrexone?  I am still drinking which is causing depression, anxiety, lack of sleep, weight gain, lack of motivation, feelings of failure - all for what? So I can have a drink?  it all seems so stupid!  

In my wildest dreams - that I don't dare think about because I truly don't see them ever happening so it is easier to push them away - I do not drink and I am proud of that and everyone else is proud (and maybe even envious) of me and I am a "shiny, happy person" without alcohol - that I just choose not to drink any more - and that I am happy - and inspirational - and have found a purpose - and am not isolated - and not bored - and not different - and in shape - and at peace with myself. 

I don't know if I can ever get there - but I do know that I will at least make the commitment that if I do drink, I will take the naltrexone with 100% compliance - it's better than drinking without taking it - who knows maybe it will get me to a point where it isn't even enjoyable anymore so my wildest dreams could come true.

I know deep in my heart and soul the true answer for me is to stop drinking and I get closer to that decision all the time.


  1. Wishing you all the best in this. I hope you find some relief. xo

  2. It is a vicious battle we wage in our heads isn't it? You will figure it out, just don't stop trying. We want it all, I have been there, am there, unfortunately we know the truth, just don't want to admit it. Ughhhh. Sometimes life sucks.

  3. You know, k, before I got involved in support communities, I thought I was special. I thought my drinking problem was different than others' drinking problems. All those silly little tricks others used to combat their problem, wouldn't work for me. I didn't need to try any of them, I just needed to quit and go on with my life as it was. I could have made my quitting so much easier. When I read about people who used pharmaceuticals to make the first stage of quitting easier, who weren't afraid to go to their dr.'s and say, "I want to quit. What can you give me to make it easier?" I thought, "Geez, why didn't I do that?" Use whatever you need to use, do whatever you need to do. And, believe. Believe that if it worked for others it will work for you, those people over at the TSM board quit with Naltrexone because they didn't quit taking Naltrexone-I'm sure they missed the high as much as you do, but they kept taking it. You can do that, too. You can do anything that the rest of us have done. You can.

  4. I was a teacher too, and one time after a hard year, my friend and I drank so much I passed out. I am telling you this, because I understand teaching. It's hard work, and very demanding. I also had a lot of teacher friends who liked to drink a lot.
    The older I got, the less alcohol I could consume, and the more it affected me.
    I almost went on this drug, because the last final time I tried to stop, my urges were too strong.
    Then one day, they were manageable.
    Use any tools that can help you.
    I am only now learning life can be really good sober.