Monday, June 13, 2016
6/13/16 (Mon) Day 7 Believe in myself and confirmation bias - This one hit home
Believing in Myself
This one was pretty powerful for me as I don't have any confidence in myself really in anything anymore. I do a pretty good job of not letting people see this. Most people probably think I am a good mother, wife, sister, friend, daughter, teacher, person but deep down I don't think I am. I don't really accomplish any goals anymore. I just either am excited to drink on the weekends or drag myself through the day. I am always exhausted. I am outwardly positive, confident and brave. Inside I am sensitive, anxious and defeated. I don't have the physical energy to get stuff done and I don't have the mental energy to break through that. I do believe that this inability to believe in myself and what I am capable of is rooted in my time after time after time of failing to honor my promises to myself around alcohol.
Thoughts from the book I want to remember:
I'm going to write these two down and look a them often:
"When you decide what you want, believe it is possible, believe in yourself and then work hard to get it, you take 100% control of your destiny."
"Believe it is possible! Believe in yourself! Go for it!"
Just believe what other sober people say about how good sobriety is and how it will get better even if I can't see it for myself. Have a little faith and give it some time.
I stop at the slightest road block because I don't believe in myself. If my mind is conditioned to expect failure, that becomes what I expect and then that is what happens.
If I don't believe I can be sober and happy, then it won't happen.
Instead I need to say - I can stop drinking and am excited to learn how to live a sober, happy life free of the torture alcohol brings to me physically, mentally and emotionally.
Expecting an outcome and really believing in it.
"When your expect results, your beliefs are in accordance with those expectations and your thoughts, feeling and actions align with them."
"When you believe in yourself, you believe that there is nothing different or wrong with you that will hold you back from succeeding like millions of others have. Simply put, the number one reason most people are not thriving in sobriety today (who want to be) is because they either don't believe it is possible to be sober (or at least sober and happy), and/or they don't believe it is possible for them to accomplish it."
This on is also big for me. I am a really good talker. I can usually get what I want or convince people to see things my way pretty easily. I can tell my dh in the morning all of the reasons I want to quit and how bad it has gotten for me - pour my heart and soul out almost to the point of no return. Then later in the day my sister invites me to go to Florida with her the 2nd week of July. Last time I went on vacation with her was August of 2015 - I'm going to go back and read my my blog from the bc it was bad. I was drinking every day, sneaking drinks, drinking all day, almost ruined my marriage and thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. I would lay in bed all night awake, thinking I was dying bc of the physical effects of alcohol and then drink the next day. I did this for 12 days! It was so bad that when I got home, I didn't drink for 9 months. Soo..she invited me and all of a sudden a switch goes off in my brain - I will never turn down the opportunity for a vacation but I also know I can't go with her and not drink so I will try one more time to moderate making sure I take my naltrexone every time. I go on a walk with dh later in the evening and ask him if he would judge me if I tried again after 30 days if I committed to taking the pill. It is so interesting to me that that one little question, "Do you want to go to Florida?" derailed everything I have been thinking about and worrying about for 8 days now. I just don't get it.
Thoughts from the book:
Am I always looking for the answer I want to hear rather than hearing the truth?
What others think has no impact on my ability to succeed. Don't let the opinions of others hold me back.