Thursday, June 9, 2016

6/9/16 (Thurs) Finding Purpose


Today I need to write a purpose statement for the next thirty days.  Something I will look at everyday to remind myself why I am doing this.

Purpose Statement
Every day I will wake up feeling vibrant, excited and passionate about living a meaningful and fulfilling sober life. I will spend my day being productive, positive and happy.  I will go to bed sober, relaxed and and proud of my accomplishments for the day.

Now I have to write about the "before me".  What have a become that has caused me to continue to drink? I am going to put this after the the New Me section because I am supposed to read the New Me section often and I don't want to have to scroll past the Old Me.

Third I have to write down the "new me" - - what I really want in life and what sobriety will bring me, how I will thrive in sobriety

New Me 
I will wake up early every morning with a smile on my face feeling refreshed and ready to start my day. I will be calm, productive and positive throughout the day and go to bed with a smile on my face proud of the way I lived my day and am living my life. I will not think about alcohol. It won't even be a concern. If I do think about it, my next thought will be, "I'm glad that part of my life is over - it was really hard."  I realize that other people can drink and that it ok. It isn't right for me. It has a negative impact on my life and I choose not to let it ruin me anymore.  I look forward to parties and social gatherings in which I can have fun, have real conversations, leave at a decent time and not be embarrassed afterward. At work I no longer gossip or are part of any of the drama in an attempt to fit in. I can be a beacon of light in an alcohol soaked world.  People can see me as sober and happy.  They might even want to talk to me about it as they also want to make a change in their lives.  I am much less sensitive and don't overreact.  I am always available and willing to help others. I am much less selfish about my time and always feel well enough to answer a call or help out. I am in shape, eating well and finally climbing 14ers or maybe even running half marathons. I am an inspiration to others. I am a role model for my kids as they know how much I struggle.  They now see me as strong and able to accomplish anything.  I find my purpose - not sure how yet - maybe opening a nonprofit for tutoring low income kids, maybe writing a book about recovery, maybe getting involved in student travel or student charity work.  I am paying off all my bills and putting myself in a position to retire in 10 years.  I have strengthened my relationship with my husband and family members by being less selfish and more accommodating to their feelings. I am finally the person I new I could always be. I am finally at peace.

Before Me
I feel like I have to drink at all social events in order to feel comfortable, be able to talk to people, to fit in a and be liked.  I am afraid if I quit drinking my life will become boring, without purpose and uninspiring.  I get excited at the planing of attending or hosting events in which I am drinking.  I think this excitement is even more important than the drinking itself.  Without the anticipation of drinking, I don't know what else to get excited about.  Then when I drink, I almost always drink more than I wanted to. I get loud and overbearing.  I dominate all conversations, not really listening to anything anyone else has to say.  If I don't feel like I am getting enough attention in one conversation, I just float to another in which they will think I am funny and interesting. I never gravitate to the sober groups as they may notice how much I have drank.  I share personal information and gossip about others that I feel guilty about later. Finally, usually the last the leave, I go to bed wasted only to wake up four hours later with heart palpitations, night sweats and intense anxiety revolving around my own disappointment in myself.  For the next 2-3 days I am exhausted, depressed, anxious and make a ton of promises about not drinking the next weekend. By Thursday I feel better and by Friday I have my drinking events planned for that weekend.  This cycle has been going on for years (some months worse than others) and has derailed my life. I don't work out, I don't eat as healthy as I would like, I have gained weight, I have become way to sensitive while also a bitch to people, I am embarrassed by my behavior while drinking, I hide in my house during the week being miserable. The only thing that I truly look forward to is drinking and drinking has become the reason I enjoy anything.  I am also getting worse. I am sneaking drink when no one is looking.  I am pre drinking sometimes as early as noon for events. I am guzzling beer at the end of the night because I don't want to stop and want to get more in me before the party is over, I am drinking alone sometimes during the week while making dinner. I always say I can just have one and it ends up at least 4 (always). My hangovers have become serious withdrawals that are debilitating. I am miserable when I am not drinking usually because I drank to much - its all so stupid! I waste my weekends drinking and my weekdays recovering from drinking. My father was an alcoholic and lost everything because of his drinking.  I think what scares me the most is when I see someone on a movie holed up in a hotel room just drinking without having to answer to anyone, I see a teeny tiny bit of being able to relate to that. They fact that I can in any way relate to that scares the shit out of me!

1 comment:

  1. "Before Me." I could have bloody well written this myself for how absolutely uncanny my experience is these days. I admire your honesty. Really.