6/6/16 at 2:22 am
I wake up after being in bed for 4 hours (as usual). My stomach is killing me, my heart is pounding, I am sweating profusely and all of my drinking regrets come flooding into my brain.
"How much did you drink the last 4 nights? the last 3 weeks?"
SERIOUSLY!!! Thurs - 2, Fri - 6, Sat - 3, Sun - 7 = 18 drinks in 4 days = 57 drinks in the last 23 days!!!!!
"How did you feel last Monday?"
TERRIBLE!!!Terrible hangover from the weekend - took 3 days to recover.
Finally felt better on Thursday - so what did I do? DRINK!!!! WHY????
"Why are you sneaking? hiding? lying? not counting? not taking your naltrexone?"
I DON'T KNOW!!!
"Why aren't you stopping at 2 or 3 drinks?"
I DON'T KNOW!!! I just start drinking and can't stop. I keep drinking more and more and more like I can't get enough in my body before I have to stop and go to bed.
"Why are you ruining your health? your mental well being? your relationships (especially with yourself)? your self worth? your goals? your mental stability?"
I DON'T KNOW!!! My desire to drink is just so strong that I can't seem to tell it no when I want to start and I can;t tell it to stop once I have started
"Why can't you just admit your are developing a serious drinking problem that has been getting worse and worse for the last 30 years and enough is enough?"
I DON'T KNOW!!!! I am just terrified to stop forever and I don't know why. Actually I do know why...I am so afraid that life is going to suck without it - that I won't have any fun - that I won't have any friends - that I won't enjoy anything - that I will be different and weird - that I will never be able to visit a brewery and try a new IPA - that vacations will suck without it - that I can never have another glass of wine with dinner - that I can never have a drink on the deck in the sunshine and just relax - basically I am terrified that my life will suck without alcohol. I want so desperately to be able to control it....
I decide at 4:34 am on 6/6/16 that I am not drinking for at least 30 days.
Then at 8:30 am, after 4 more hours of sleep, I get up and doubt that decision - hold on? are you sure you want to make such a grand statement? you know it will suck.. you know it will ruin your summer.. you know you have parties to attend.. you know you haven't had a sober June in 30 years except the 2 times you were pregnant..you know you should just wait until August..you stayed sober from August to April once...you know May June and July are the hardest for you..you know this is unrealistic... you know you can't do it.. you know you will fail.
Many sober "cyber" friends tell me how great it is but I just can't see it for myself. I believe their life is a lot better but I just can't "see" that being the case for me.
I am going to be miserable if I drink and I am going to be miserable if I don't drink....I just don't know which miserable to choose...
Hi K. and thank you for writing. I can relate. After 35 years of daily struggling. Last night I drank almost two bottles of wine....omg! that's the most I have ever drank in one day. Things are progressing and I am scared! I just listened to the Bubble Hour on the topic of "Contemplation before action" while taking a run. I think that is where I am at. NOW it is time to take action. Today 6/6/16 will be day 1...again. Let's do this together!
ReplyDeletesounds great! let's make today Day 1 of at least 30
DeleteYou only ever need to think about today, not forever. Forever is far to big to contemplate and that is why you feel miserable about it. Cheesy and sickly sweet as it sounds, one day at a time works whether you like it or not. Just don't drink today, tomorrow will take care of itself but for today just don't drink.
ReplyDeleteI am going to make a to do list every day with "Stay Sober" as #1. BTW - someone recommended to me that I read your blog from the beginning as an example of someone who has come a long way - Congrats!
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ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are struggling so - been there, done that! I hate the internal dialogue that we put ourselves through. I have been battling alcohol (and myself) for at least 30 years and finally just told myself to quit making such a big deal of it. I'm happier when I don't drink, so I am not going to, at least for today. And if somewhere down the road I do pickup I'm not going to beat myself up (though I hope I don't ever drink again.) Forever, life is too hard to look at long term. I'm doing one day at a time - I wake up and say I don't drink anymore, I don't want to drink, so I'm not going to. It sounds easy, but some days are hard. I just got sick of the daily battles with myself, so I've moved on. Oh Lord, I could write 20 paragraphs on this...but what I really want to say is good luck, hang in there. Just...let...it...go for now. Every morning say "I am a non drinker" then move on. Big hugs xxx ooo
ReplyDeleteThanks- I wish I could just "let it go" :)
DeleteI think your last sentence contains the error in your thinking that is the same error we all make when we deal with addiction. I don't think you will be miserable not drinking, though I admit it takes work to get there and some of that isn't any fun. But I have found that the misery of my drinking days has receded and there is plenty of joy and fun in my life, even when I'm stressed about this and that, which of course sometimes I am. Accepting that the misery can end and stepping away from the drink for a while might be worth a concerted try. Just at thought! I really do wish you well. xo
ReplyDeleteIt does help me to constantly hear how great sobriety is. I know that I can't be all the different from all of you since many of you seem to have had the same struggles as I am having right now. Maybe it is possible for me too
DeleteHi K I'm struggling every weekend... reading your blog makes me feel less alone. At least 1 night on the weekend I don't remember going to bed. it's a prison to live in, I wish I could just drink & remember. My daughter who is 8 is starting to hate my drinking, I can't believe it.. I thought it was all soo fun... anyway I will read your blog & try to reduce my intake on the weekends... thanks for being online. N
ReplyDeleteQuit now :) (haha as if it were that easy and/or I have any right giving advice) while you dd is so young. Mine are now 17 and 21 and I wish I would have quit when they were that little. I know I was trying back then and am STILL trying to control it.
DeleteIMO the answer to "why" you keep doing this is because you're an alcoholic. And for heaven's sake, of course you can't "see" yourself being happy in sobriety. Your addiction is never going to let you imagine happiness for yourself without it.
ReplyDeleteI remember being unable to imagine ever having fun sober...but I'd heard other sober people talk about being happy, and I couldn't come up with any reason they would be lying to me. In fact, I heard them talk about how they used to believe they wouldn't be happy (the same way I was feeling) but ended up being wrong! They talked about their friendships with other sober folks, their self-respect and self-trust.
So I quit on faith. Not because I was sure I would be happy, because secretly I was sure I was unique, and not as bad as them and therefore their experiences only marginally aligned with mine. But because I'd tried to moderate for long enough that I knew I couldn't seem to manage doing it long-term, and I didn't know any alternative than to stop. (Well, okay, offing myself was an alternative, but I wanted to avoid that one).
And so I quit and stayed quit one day at a time. I found a community of loving people who could show me the way to be happy sober...and I am. It's not easy, but it is simple.
xoxo
LuluRuns
Hi Lulu! I miss you! Thanks for your comment. I think there is something to the "unique" thing - that I can control it, that I won't be happy on the weekends sober, that I'm not the same as everyone else. Maybe I am exactly the same. Does that make me less special?
DeleteHey lulu - do you have a blog? do you still visit mmabsers?
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