Sunday, June 5, 2016

6/5/16 (Sun) over and over and over

So I do believe the universe talks to me all the time...I just need to be listening.  Today in my inbox, I got a response on my blog from a "Jr Williams" saying he/she? enjoyed reading it.  When I went in to comment back, I noticed it was from November 22, 2015.  I read the post from a little over six months ago and in it I talked about how much better I was doing on the naltrexone and how I hadn't had wine for over a month.  I wrote about exactly the same things I wrote about a week ago - about how hyper drunk I get and that the naltrexone takes that away which causes me to drink less.  So back on board with that plan of action. I do know, somewhere in my heart, that I will eventually just give up all of this obsession and just stop drinking all together, but I'm not quite there yet.

Another interesting thing I noticed is how often I repeat myself and don't even remember. I have been on the same hamster wheel ( and written about it) for over 10 years!

I keep this blog for two reasons. One - it is therapeutic for me to write. Somehow if I get it "on paper" a little bit of it leaves my head space.  Second - it is a good record of my progress and lack thereof.  I often go back and read where I have been and unfortunately it quite possible tells where I am going - absolutely no place different tha where I have been. I have been writing in this blog for 5 years now and it has always been about my struggle with alcohol.  I found an old journal the other day and was reading it. It was from 10 years ago and guess what it was about? My struggle with alcohol.

Think about how much energy, time and brain space I could give to something else if I just "sold" all of the mental real estate occupied by my obsession with alcohol.  Maybe I need to find some kind of distraction that keeps my brain distracted.  I have been thinking about opening a non profit to benefit kids (but don;t even know where to start) or maybe write a book...hahah! There are millions alcohol books out there.....basically all the same...I don't think my story would be unique or different in any way.


  1. I know when I find an old journal I am amazed how long I struggled with drinking, too!
    The energy wasted is a good point. I was always having to use up tons of energy that way.
    Every person is different, and your book will appeal to some people that other books don't!

  2. Write the book!! Everybody has a unique story to tell xxx

  3. "I am going - absolutely no place different than where I have been."

    That is the key, once you get sick enough of that same old place and once you realize you are never going to end up any place different, the decision to try another path can be exciting. You said before that you quit taking Naltrexone because you wanted the high-I think the lack of the high mimics quitting completely. Your brain has to amp down, it takes time to feel "normal" happy and content. Give it time. If you feel the Naltrexone is depressing your mood even when you're not drinking, I'd look at whether you really need it, because it's hard enough to adjust to normalcy without a drug causing you to feel more "flat."