Well..I have been away. I always struggle posting when I have made a grand plan (this time not drinking for 100 days) and then I break that promise to myself. I feel like a failure.
Here is where I'm at. I obviously did not do my 100 days. I would have still been posting. But I also haven't gone off the rails either.
I honestly really do believe the naltrexone are helping me. I am not drinking at all during the week, which hasn't really been much of a problem lately anyway. My problem always comes with binge drinking on the weekends. Here is what the naltrexone is doing for me.
On a Friday or Saturday or occasionally Sunday I do want a beer...badly. (I haven't had wine in over a month. I had to break up with wine because it makes me crazy). I take 1/4 of a pill one hour before I'm going to drink. The actual planning and them delaying sometimes keeps me from drinking altogether. During the hour I eat something and drink something non alcoholic. Sometimes my craving goes away on its own. I would get in trouble when I would go out after school on a Friday afternoon and continue to drink into the night without even eating. Usually the craving doesn't go away and I do drink a beer after one hour.
When drinking on the pill, I feel different. I little tired, maybe even a little irritable. I certainly don't feel that hyped up/let's go do something/let's partaay/super social/can't get enough feeling that led to my binges. After I finish the one, sometimes I don't even feel like another. If I do have another, that is it and sometimes it is hard to finish that one.
It's hard to explain the difference. In the past, when I would drink, alcohol made me happy, excited, hyper, fun loving, social so of course I wanted to prolong that feeling by drinking more. I am not getting those same "happy" feelings while on the pill. It's almost like it wasn't really the alcohol that was making me drink more...it was the way I felt about how I was feeling that made me drink more which I realize was actually cause by the alcohol. I realize that probably made no sense or was obvious it's just hard to explain.
Something has shifted in the way I perceive alcohol. I almost look at it like alcohol used to be the enemy, but now I look at it like my feelings towards it and how I felt on it were the true enemy. This sounds stupid because I realize alcohol was what was making me feel hyper/social/energetic/happy.
Now that I am not having those feelings while drinking, I don't really care to have more than one or two. The craving is still there in the beginning, but once I take the pill and drink, the cravings don't continue. I don't seem to be chasing the feelings alcohol gives me because it isn't giving that to me anymore.....does any of this ramblings make sense????? I don't know....all I know is that I am doing better :)
It's so good to hear form you. I had wondered how you were doing. And this sounds brilliant! It really does sound like the Naltrexone is helping a lot. From what you're saying, one thing it's doing is giving you some distance between you and your cravings, and that's a huge gain. Also, it sounds like you know so much more about what's happening with you when you drink, and what's going on with your feelings around that, and that's tremendous!
ReplyDeleteIt's really good to see you trying something radically different to find what works for you, and it's good to hear a close-up experience of how Naltrexone is working for you. I know sometimes people talk about drugs as if "there's a magic pill" for alcohol problems, and they do that either to hope there is one or to scoff at the idea. Hearing how the Naltrexone changes your experience of drinking and helps you break the initial craving from the later compulsion for more really is enlightening.
Stopping your binges and getting more clear on your own processes is so much progress. To me, what you're saying makes tons of sense. I'm glad to hear you're doing so well. Take care. xo
Keep trying different thing. Maybe the medication is helping you disengage alcohol from feeling good. That's a good step.
ReplyDeleteReading what you have written shows how strong addictive behaviour can be. You are not enjoying the drinking, yet you are still doing it compulsively. I was stuck in that place too. Rationalizing that because I only drank on weekends I was ok.
Life becomes so much simpler without this mental struggle.
Anne
When I get drunk, I feel this wonderful tingling sensation all over, and I feel nothing but complete bliss. Nothing makes me happier than being trashed.
ReplyDeleteSo am I an alcoholic?
BTW I get hammered at least 3 times a week.
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