Sunday, November 22, 2015
Well..I have been away. I always struggle posting when I have made a grand plan (this time not drinking for 100 days) and then I break that promise to myself. I feel like a failure.
Here is where I'm at. I obviously did not do my 100 days. I would have still been posting. But I also haven't gone off the rails either.
I honestly really do believe the naltrexone are helping me. I am not drinking at all during the week, which hasn't really been much of a problem lately anyway. My problem always comes with binge drinking on the weekends. Here is what the naltrexone is doing for me.
On a Friday or Saturday or occasionally Sunday I do want a beer...badly. (I haven't had wine in over a month. I had to break up with wine because it makes me crazy). I take 1/4 of a pill one hour before I'm going to drink. The actual planning and them delaying sometimes keeps me from drinking altogether. During the hour I eat something and drink something non alcoholic. Sometimes my craving goes away on its own. I would get in trouble when I would go out after school on a Friday afternoon and continue to drink into the night without even eating. Usually the craving doesn't go away and I do drink a beer after one hour.
When drinking on the pill, I feel different. I little tired, maybe even a little irritable. I certainly don't feel that hyped up/let's go do something/let's partaay/super social/can't get enough feeling that led to my binges. After I finish the one, sometimes I don't even feel like another. If I do have another, that is it and sometimes it is hard to finish that one.
It's hard to explain the difference. In the past, when I would drink, alcohol made me happy, excited, hyper, fun loving, social so of course I wanted to prolong that feeling by drinking more. I am not getting those same "happy" feelings while on the pill. It's almost like it wasn't really the alcohol that was making me drink more...it was the way I felt about how I was feeling that made me drink more which I realize was actually cause by the alcohol. I realize that probably made no sense or was obvious it's just hard to explain.
Something has shifted in the way I perceive alcohol. I almost look at it like alcohol used to be the enemy, but now I look at it like my feelings towards it and how I felt on it were the true enemy. This sounds stupid because I realize alcohol was what was making me feel hyper/social/energetic/happy.
Now that I am not having those feelings while drinking, I don't really care to have more than one or two. The craving is still there in the beginning, but once I take the pill and drink, the cravings don't continue. I don't seem to be chasing the feelings alcohol gives me because it isn't giving that to me anymore.....does any of this ramblings make sense????? I don't know....all I know is that I am doing better :)