Saturday, October 10, 2015
The sun is still the same and Leaving Las Vegas
I love that sobermom commented, "The sun is still the same."
Yesterday was a close one. I was fine in the am and then a fellow teacher said, "Let's get a beer after work." That's it! I was having a beer in the sun after work with a friend after a long work week. I had just decided. I just wouldn't blog for awhile (for fear of looking like a failure) and then come back later when I had successfully been moderating for awhile (haha).
Well, she left right after school and didn't say anything. She prob just mentioned it but wasn't really serious anyway, where as I was thinking about it, stewing over it, debating ever since she mentioned it. I was glad that the opportunity had not presented itself. We also almost went to dinner with my sister and I was pretty set on a glass of wine. Those plans also fell through. Someone was looking out for me :)
I went home and walked my dogs. When walking I always think about stuff. The thoughts going through my head were, "Glad that didn't happen. I would have had to change the title of my blog...again. How would dinner have been different with or without the wine? Why did it matter so much? Either I drink for those two hours and then feel bad about it bc I broke a commitment to myself, or I don't drink and am proud of myself. Why are THOSE TWO hours so important? It is just a two hour dinner? Who cares if I drink? Get through the two hours without the stupid drug and the whole next day (like 24 hours) will be better. Why do I care so much about it? Plenty of people go out to dinner, go on vacation, socialize, sit in the sun without drinking and actually enjoy it!'
When I went to bed, Leaving Las Vegas was on. I watched the whole thing again. Talk about a depressing tale of an alcoholic who literally drank himself to death. There was one scene where he was laying on the couch sleeping and he started that jerking thing before he had to get up, stumble to the fridge and frantically put alcohol into his system. That was so scary to watch. I think I rewound it and watched it 5 times. I know I am not even close to that bad, but I have had little feelings of can't get enough while at a party and I have experienced that terrible feeling in my body when I have a hangover. I don't physically jerk around, but my heart feels like it turn circles in my chest and I feel sweaty and internally shaky. I thought to myself, "I don't want to become anything like that."
Was it just coincidence that movie was on right at that time....probably not.