Thursday, October 1, 2015
Sober weekend apporaching
Well, it's Thursday and I finally got some sleep last night which is par for the course. It takes me 4 days now to recover from a hangover.
Day 3 and 4 - still tired, anxious, restless, blah blah...
As usual the weekend is approaching and all these plans are starting to come together around me. Birthday dinner for my sister at her house on Friday night, car show Saturday afternoon with dh, dinner Saturday night with my dd, her boyfriend, ds and dh. All of these would include alcohol. Friday would include a pre IPA beer right after work probably followed by wine at my sisters. When I am around her I almost always drink too much. I am trying to figure out why. Maybe because of the uncomfortable feelings I have around some of my family members, maybe just because she is one person that drinks with me. Her boyfriend was the one that said a few months ago when I quit drinking, "Where is the fun you?" He doesn't drink very much but pushes it on everyone else. I think he likes to get everyone loosened up, sit back and watch the drama. I would probably get loud, dominate the conversation and be really mad at myself Saturday but just rationalize that I din't drink that much and I would do better that night. My dh can't go, so I would probably have my ds drive us home, which he absolutely hates which would make me feel really guilty. I don't know if he hates it bc he doesn't want to drive or that he is mad that I drank too much so he has to. Saturday I would probably drink beer since I had wine the night before. The whole time at the car show I would be wanting to be done so I could go home and have a beer. Then I would drink while cooking and while they were at my house. I wouldn't get too drunk because these are my kids but I would drink more than everyone else. Then I would wake up Sunday and just feel like such a failure because once again I broke my promise to myself. I would be depressed, tired, anxious, worried, angry....This is not how I want to spend my weekend...my life.
It's hard to explain the thought of not drinking this weekend. There is some very big fear of failure and worry that I will want to so bad it will ruin any chance of a good time I might have. But there is also a sense of calm, of mental clarity and a calming down of my thoughts to just know I'm not going to drink and that's that. It is almost like a battle, a fight that I'm not going to have this weekend. I don't need to get myself all revved up. Just the thought of alcohol, the consumption of alcohol and the recovery from drinking gets me sooo revved up in my head. It is exhausting. It somehow feels relaxing, comforting, calming to know that I won't have to deal with it. It is so hard to explain. I don't know if it even makes sense.