Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Day 1 and 2 and Fear of Failure
Day 1 - Sunday - terrible - I could barely function. 4 hours of sleep as I always do after drinking. heart palpitations, sweating, hot flashes, exhausted yet restless, no focus at all, unmotivated, sick stomach, body aches, chills, some stabbing sort of pain in my head, depressed, racing heart, pounding heart, stomach pains, crying, angry, disgusted with myself, hiding, not showing up to a commitment, fear of communication with anyone, guilty - terrible - my hangovers seem to be getting worse.
Day 2 - Monday - not great - anxiety, heart racing, fear of making it through the day, wishing time would pass, heart palpitations, racing heart, hiding, fear of communication, stomach aches, body aches, depressed, unfocused. Night - insomnia, hot flashes, profuse sweating, racing heart, pounding heart, feel like my heart is turning over in my chest, racing thoughts, anxiety, depression, restless yet exhausted.
Mixed feelings about this weekend. I know I'm not going to drink but go back and forth between, "This might be hard. It might suck not drinking. It might be isolating and stressful not to drink. I hope I can do it." and "I am so glad I 'm not drinking this weekend. Whatever happens it will be a better weekend if I don't drink. I don't need it. I am not drinking for 100 days and that is that so stop thinking about it."
I think I have a huge fear of failure. I have been down this road at least 50 times in the last 5 years (read my past blog - same story different Sunday). Sometimes I go 6 months, sometimes 1 month, sometimes 1 week, usually 5 days, but more often than not I fail. Actually, I always fail. I am a failure at this quitting thing and I wonder why this time will be any different. I think somewhere deep down I really want to do this but don't believe I can do it. How do I change that internal dialogue?