Day 1 - Sunday - terrible - I could barely function. 4 hours of sleep as I always do after drinking. heart palpitations, sweating, hot flashes, exhausted yet restless, no focus at all, unmotivated, sick stomach, body aches, chills, some stabbing sort of pain in my head, depressed, racing heart, pounding heart, stomach pains, crying, angry, disgusted with myself, hiding, not showing up to a commitment, fear of communication with anyone, guilty - terrible - my hangovers seem to be getting worse.
Day 2 - Monday - not great - anxiety, heart racing, fear of making it through the day, wishing time would pass, heart palpitations, racing heart, hiding, fear of communication, stomach aches, body aches, depressed, unfocused. Night - insomnia, hot flashes, profuse sweating, racing heart, pounding heart, feel like my heart is turning over in my chest, racing thoughts, anxiety, depression, restless yet exhausted.
Mixed feelings about this weekend. I know I'm not going to drink but go back and forth between, "This might be hard. It might suck not drinking. It might be isolating and stressful not to drink. I hope I can do it." and "I am so glad I 'm not drinking this weekend. Whatever happens it will be a better weekend if I don't drink. I don't need it. I am not drinking for 100 days and that is that so stop thinking about it."
I think I have a huge fear of failure. I have been down this road at least 50 times in the last 5 years (read my past blog - same story different Sunday). Sometimes I go 6 months, sometimes 1 month, sometimes 1 week, usually 5 days, but more often than not I fail. Actually, I always fail. I am a failure at this quitting thing and I wonder why this time will be any different. I think somewhere deep down I really want to do this but don't believe I can do it. How do I change that internal dialogue?
Maybe you need to look at why you drink. Your story is very much like mine - I've failed and tried so many times I quit counting. But I always pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again - why? because obviously I like the sober me more than the drunk me. I am beginning to realize that I can only go so far and then it's like I hit a brick wall - I have been holding my breath until I can't anymore. Does that make sense? But I have also been looking at the brick wall - for me, it is stress, kind of like a pressure cooker with me. I am learning more constructive ways to deal with it - other than drowning in a bottle. I'm trying meditation, deep breathing techniques, and yes recently even went on anti-depressants, though at my age I have fought it all my life. I will do whatever it takes at this point. I wish you nothing but goodness. You can do this. I can do this....keep fighting and hang in there. I am pulling for you.
ReplyDeleteYou take failing off the table. Come on, k, read what your last couple of days have been like, do you really think not drinking will be harder than that? You once told me, "I'm don't think I'm as bad as you were." I don't think you are as bad as I was in that you don't drink every day, but the days you drink and the fallout sound exactly the same. You're almost 50, you're too old to still be getting hangovers. If you haven't learned to play the game by now, it's time to quit. And you know I say all of this with love. I encouraged you to try moderation again, but you failed at it, too. So now it's time to take the only avenue of success and that's quitting. You are not going to fail.
ReplyDeleteWhat they said AND...you are not failing. Each minute each hour each day you go without alcohol is a win not a failure.
ReplyDeleteAnd did you really think this would be easy? Come on! You're smarter than that. But it GETS easier over time. You know that too.
Sherry
Hi Ki. I'm just here to cheer you on. I don't think it's helpful to think about failing. The whole point of the 100 days is to set the back-and-forth thinking aside for a while. I get what you're saying about fear of failure, though. I have the same--with being sober, with being in school, lots of areas. I think in many cases seeing the fear and continuing along the path you're set might be the best way to deal with the big fear. But listen to yourself, talking about the coming weekend: "I'm not going to drink." That's fantastic, that you can say that! Anyway, I believe you will do this and I think you're determined to do so. Fear is just a kind of irritating fellow traveller. Best to you. xo
ReplyDeleteCounselling? aA? Find support.
ReplyDeleteJust accept you aren't drinking and do whatever is necessary to get through today.
The weekend is not here yet. Focus on now.
You can do it.
If you become physics.ly I'll get medical attention. Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous.
Howdy,
ReplyDeleteI was a weekend binge drinker too. In the mid 80s I tried to stop on my own, but was unsuccessful. Then I tried a support group. AA in my case, but there are others. That made a difference and I've been sober now since 10/28/86. Good luck! I hope you find a way that works for you. Living sober is so much better!!
Molly S.