Sunday, September 20, 2015
Tasmanian Devil - aka the mania that comes with drinking
I did drink this weekend. I didn't over drink, but still drank.
I was trying to explain sobriety to my dh this morning. He has a hangover so he was much more receptive to my obsessive/constant talk about alcohol.
It is so hard to put into words, to explain, the feeling of sobriety but I will try.
When I was sober for 6 months I did have some pretty difficult times where I really wanted to drink. Like I REALLY wanted to drink and was depressed/pissed off that I couldn't. That was real and not enjoyable. I also had some pretty depressing times, like when I really wanted to to drink (REALLY wanted to drink) and couldn't so I just stayed home all mopey and down. That was also real and sucked so it wasn't all just "rainbows flying out of my ass" as my good friend Kary likes to say.
Here is what was positive about it - what I think I miss. My highs weren't as high but my lows weren't as low. I was so much more even keel. People didn't get on my nerves, comments didn't get under my skin, I was just calmer overall. I was very much less reactive to everything - people, events, comments, situations. Obviously I slept a ton better - every night 8 hours without waking up. Oh how did I love that sleep. Just thinking about going to be would put a smile on my face (that seems so weird).
I felt like everything around me just stopped moving so fast. Everything external was calmer, more peaceful and contained less stress. It is so hard to explain bc in reality it was my internal that was changing but my perception was that my world was changing around me.
I had this sense of calmness, somehow (which I don't quite understand) it felt less selfish, like everything wasn't all about me. This is weird bc I feel like even when I drink I am constantly doing for others being a mother, daughter, sister, wife friend, teacher. I feel like I am not selfish on the outside - I do for others all the time. But when I am sober I feel like I genuinely care more for others - what is going on with them, why they might be making that comment which might not have anything to do with me. I can empathize better for others. I don't take things so personally which is in fact pretty selfish.
Even drinking 4-5 beers only on the weekend robs this from me. Even that little amount makes me hyper, depressed, anxious, exhausted, hyper sensitive, over dramatic, unmotivated all week.
I seems like when I drink on the weekends I have this veil that I keep over myself all the time that I hide behind. Behind that veil I feel like the Tasmanian devil - you know how he is just constantly in motion, spinning around himself. I don't have real, caring conversations with people because my head just feels like it is this constant whirlwind state. I just can't seem to calm down enough in my head to truly connect with people, and that's when I'm sober. It's way worse when drinking. When drinking on the weekends, I just seem to keep myself in this manic, super busy, can't calm down, can't stop talking, can't stop doing state all week long. I have no idea why??? (any ideas out there??) It is exhausting!
Maybe I am emotionally avoiding everyone and everything in my life.
When I am sober - the whole world slows down around me and I realize that it isn't all about me all the time. There is an undeniable calmness, a sense of peace that comes with sobriety. I think I had just reached the tip of the iceberg as my sobriety only lasted 6 months. I am in constant fascination of people with extended sobriety and am intrigued by how much better life could have gotten if I would have kept it up.
I really did enjoy that sense of peace and calmness and am beginning to miss it.