Someone was nice enough to take the time to respond to my post. It was quite lengthy so they did it via email. It was very thought provoking. I am posting my response just so I don't lose this thought process in my email.
"I TOTALLY hear what you are saying about the mental aspect of it. I am doing soooo much better than I have in the past (I believe in part because of the naltrexone) but when I do drink too much, I just go to such a dark place - a place of failure and defeat. For some reason, I can't just say to myself, "Shit, I drank too much and now I have to deal with a hangover. Well that suck's!" and just leave it at that. I have to go to, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I control it? I should just quit. I am a failure."
I am an extremely obsessive person, I just choose what the obsession of the decade is. It has been eating (almost had an eating disorder), working out, smoking, now drinking.
I just so desperately want to be the person that can not drink most of the time, drink moderately some of the time and when I do screw up (hopefully rarely), let it go and move on.
Your post got me thinking that maybe I have convinced myself that I can't be that person. That it is all or nothing. That I am either a complete success or a complete failure. Maybe I can be that person. maybe I am already that person. Maybe I have just convinced myself I am not that person."
Now that I am reading it back to myself a second time, I also wonder if I am just rationalizing letting myself drink...ARGHHHH!
Ah, the mind games. Everyone that on this road obsesses about drinking, you know that, you've read enough blogs and posts. I tried to make myself quit thinking about it, tried to convince myself that the thinking about it was the problem, not the drinking. I was never able to do that and I don't know anyone who has been able to.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice today but I'm thinking about you and thinking that you should obsess about your recent progress and pat yourself on the back.
Thank you Kary! Do you still think about it all the time?
DeleteWhenever I read one of your posts I think to myself, "Is it worth it?"
ReplyDeleteNow that I'm on this side of sober I can honestly say NO. But we all have to decide for ourselves.
I wish you peace no matter what you decide.
Sherry
No it is most definitely not worth it. So why do I keep doing it? rationalizing it? Thanks for always reminding me :)
DeleteIt's so scary. I tire this way desperately for all of 2013. Wiping the slate clean. Self compassion. Forgiveness.
DeleteBut I never felt it. I could only hate myself and sit seething with resentment and guilt.
Quitting was a horrible thought. Many times I considered just going back to how things were. But they were unbearable to me mentally. So I stayed the sober path. And the sun came out from behind the clouds.
Not immediately. But it shines so brightly now I can't even describe it.
I'm that extremely obsessive person as well.
ReplyDeleteDisorders eating, excessive exercise, over achieving, alcohol.
Perhaps even my yoga is verging on that. Although yoga is all about self acceptance, so it sort of backfires.
My therapy continues to revolve around letting go of control. The truth is, there are very few things we can control in life. Using my body as a tool for that has only hurt me.
The first step at AA is surrendering. Admitting powerlessness over alcohol. And taking back our control over our choice by not drinking. Empowerment.