Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Someone was nice enough to take the time to respond to my post. It was quite lengthy so they did it via email. It was very thought provoking. I am posting my response just so I don't lose this thought process in my email.
"I TOTALLY hear what you are saying about the mental aspect of it. I am doing soooo much better than I have in the past (I believe in part because of the naltrexone) but when I do drink too much, I just go to such a dark place - a place of failure and defeat. For some reason, I can't just say to myself, "Shit, I drank too much and now I have to deal with a hangover. Well that suck's!" and just leave it at that. I have to go to, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I control it? I should just quit. I am a failure."
I am an extremely obsessive person, I just choose what the obsession of the decade is. It has been eating (almost had an eating disorder), working out, smoking, now drinking.
I just so desperately want to be the person that can not drink most of the time, drink moderately some of the time and when I do screw up (hopefully rarely), let it go and move on.
Your post got me thinking that maybe I have convinced myself that I can't be that person. That it is all or nothing. That I am either a complete success or a complete failure. Maybe I can be that person. maybe I am already that person. Maybe I have just convinced myself I am not that person."
Now that I am reading it back to myself a second time, I also wonder if I am just rationalizing letting myself drink...ARGHHHH!