Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Post to C3 website

I just posted this to the C3 website...gonna give naltrexone another shot....


I don't ever want to drink again...however I don't want to never drink again. Does that make any sense?  

I have been struggling with alcohol for 30 years.  I binge drank a lot in my 20's and then had kids and slowed down. Now in my 40's back to the struggle.  I don't drink Monday-Thursday, don't drink during the day, have never had a DUI, have not lost a job, not ruined any relationships, etc. I am a mother of 2, a teacher, a sister, daughter, wife and friend.  I have a masters degree and live in suburbia America.  

I am, however, sick. I am a weekend binge drinker...not every weekend and not all weekend but enough that it is causing me depression, anxiety, insomnia, obsession and low self esteem.  I have stopped drinking many times - once for 9 months - and felt great but isolate myself and get really bored and depressed.  I am such a social person that isolation is really hard for me. But, it was hard for me to be sober and be around annoying drunk people. 

I have participated in moderation forums for 10 years and abstaining forums for 5 years.  I have a blog where I have documented my obsession with alcohol for the past 4 years. I have abused my body and brain with binge drinking and then quitting and then binge drinking again that I think I also suffer from the "kindling" effect.  My hangovers are significantly worse than they have ever been. I really don't even know if I enjoy drinking anymore but also do not enjoy not drinking- it is all so stupid and exhausting.  

I have tried naltrexone in the past but stopped using it.  I think I am one of the "total euphoria" users which I missed while taking the pill.  I get very manic when I drink...I am the hyper party girl. It used to be cute, fun and happy.  It has turned into annoying, loud and obnoxious.  A drunk 25 year old is a lot cuter than a drunk 45 year old. I am terrified of becoming the drunk old lady on the block. There are plenty of heavy drinkers in my neighborhood so I am in good company. I think we all just like each other around because we can look at each other and say, "I'm not that bad."  However, we are all saying it about each other.  I think they might be saying it about be especially since I fell over and almost fell in a fire pit two nights ago....completely humiliating! My highs, while drinking and thinking about drinking and planning drinking events, are super high but my lows are becoming increasingly lower, longer, darker and more depressing.

I am tired of feeling this way. Something needs to change.  I am going to give this naltrexone thing a shot again. Its all I have left other than total abstinence which terrifies me. I need to get my shit together.  Thanks for listening.


 

7 comments:

  1. Sending good wishes to you. I know you can do this. And you will feel so much better when you do. (My thoughts on "never" are to put it out of yor mind and make smaller, achievable goals, like 30 days, then 3 months, 6 months, 1 yr, etc. For most of us never is just too much to cope with at the beginning. Just a thought!) xo

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    1. Thanks..you are right..the word "never" always derails me

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  2. I agree with Thirsty.
    I never said never.
    I also know that as I got older, the effects of drinking got much worse.
    It started to not take much wine to feel very yucky.
    Sometimes just 3 glasses.
    You can do this!
    xo
    Wendy

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  3. I can so relate to your post. I've gone from daily to binge drinking on occasion the past 2 years. Never is a long time. I don't want to drink - don't even like the taste anymore - but I want to be able to drink. Crazy huh? Good luck with the naltrexone - I say do whatever it takes to make you happy. Best of luck, you CAN do this!

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  4. Welcome to the mid-life world, Baby Girl k. Would it make you feel better to know that I think almost every 40 something woman who has drank all her life, goes through what you are going through, what I went through. I really think our body says, "Enough, it's time to grow up." I'm glad you're trying Naltrexone again, I'm a firm believer in using whatever is available to succeed.

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    1. Thanks for always believing in me, Kary :)

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  5. Try not to drink today. Then do it again tomorrow.
    I must be honest-I've been reading your blog for quite a while. It appears you drink much more regularly then you maybe think. Is your drinking really confined to Friday and Saturday night! Could you go a month without alcohol?

    I only say this because I was a weekend drinker, but I crept into the week. Sunday's. Maybe Monday night football, etc.

    Look at your posts and see. I think moderation is not an option. It's the worst of both worlds anyway. Not numbness of getting drunk coupled with no clarity or joy from sobriety.

    Leave the booze behind. Use the meds to try sobriety.

    Anne

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