Sunday, May 8, 2016

Mother's Day Confessions (warning- a lot of negativity)



Happy Mother's Day!  I am adamant about this Mother's Day not turning out like last year:


Sunday - woke up promising myself that I wouldn't drink, that my Mother's Day gift to myself and my family was for me to be sober. My sister poured the first glass of wine around 2:00 and asked me if I wanted any.  I didn't even hesitate and ended up drinking more than an entire bottle over the next 6 hours.  I was emotional more then once in the middle of conversations and I know I was loud. Finally at 9:30 pm everyone had gone home and I was falling asleep (passing out) on the couch,  I saw out of the corner of my eye, my 16 yo son, make that pretend gesture of drinking to my husband as if to ask, "Has mom had too much to drink?"  I lost it.....I got up, went upstairs leaving my whole house in shambles, literally tore my clothes off slamming every piece of clothing to the floor ( I was soooo pissed at myself), put my jammies on and went to bed without brushing my teeth or washing my face.  And then I began to sob.  My son came in and felt bad because he thought I was crying because of what he had done.  All I could say was, "I am fine, honey. This has nothing to do with you. I love you."  I ended Mother's Day with my 16 yo dear son trying to comfort his drunk mother. Not what I had had in mind.  That's being a great mom! I woke up at 1:15 and never got back to sleep. 

I hate you alcohol!  And I am not fine! And I hate myself!

This year I will be the one in control and not make any drama worse.  

I am a little nervous about today.  One of my sisters won't come to my house bc of the ridiculous drama I talked about in an earlier post.  She was not at last year's Mother's Day either bc she was mad about something else. My other sister (the one coming over - let's call her the "brutally honest" sister) gets super mad about stuff and says what she thinks.  I respect her honesty, but it can cause chaos. She has no respect for our mother and will say what she thinks - not always tactfully. 

My mom is coming over. She is always negative, depressed, judgmental and grumpy. It is way worse now that the one sister won't be here. I'm not kidding - she NEVER smiles - just trods through life as the victim - head drooping, shoulders drooping. It is exhausting to be around her.  I know it might sound heartless but we have talked to her numerous times about her outlook on life, her perception of things, her attitude - even about getting some professional help.  She just says in a super sad voice, "I just pray about everything...God will take care of my problems..."  I am a Christian, but I think she needs more than that. She needs someone who can talk back to her and give her a different way of looking at her life. She won't listen to us.  All she says is, "I'm sorry I'm such a downer to be around. I'll just go home. I'm sorry I am not happy all the time.  I have a hard life. I will just pray.  No one knows what I go  through..."  It just gets really frustrating.  Sadly, after 20 years of this, I have almost given up.  I can't make her happy and she makes me unhappy so it is just easier to not be around her. 

She wouldn't be nearly as bad if it was me or my "honest" sister who weren't attending (I have proof of that from past experiences) but the sister on the outs (by her own doing) is her favorite and it is always everyone's else's fault that she is left out - so not true.  I have ALWAYS been the one to make things right, to "fix" things even if they weren't my fault usually to make my mom feel better and not worry.  I just can't do it this time, and I think my mom is mad at me for it.  I have been part of the problem in the past but not this time. This time it is without a doubt my "on the outs" sister's fault.  It is so glaringly her fault that everyone else can see it except my mom.    I am soooo sick of the drama, negativity, selfishness, favoritism, mean spiritedness of this family that I am ready to move away.  Just bc you are family doesn't mean you have to be friends. If we weren't related, they would never be people I would choose to hang around with.  It is so sad to say, but I do not have a lot of respect for my one sister or my mom and they have been reckless with my feelings. They have even shut out my kids...so immature.

It is so painful to have a mother that wasn't there for me emotionally.  Did she feed me, take me to school, make sure I had shelter, help watch my kids when they were young? Yes. Did she have a lot going on with an alcoholic husband, being a single mom on food stamps, getting remarried and living this "new" life of hers while forgetting about me, now taking care of a husband with dementia? Yes. I know she did the best she knew how to do, but it has really taken an emotional toll of me - I have hated not having an emotionally supportive relationship with either a mother or a father.  It is painful.  She didn't' protect me from some pretty bad stuff and she cannot talk about anything difficult -  ever. She would just say, "I'm sorry I was such a bad mother!"  She just gets so defensive and cries and prays and blah blah blah...She just wants everyone to feel sorry for her.

Wow! That was super negative for a Mother's Day post!  But it did feel good to get it off my chest.  

I have just decided that I have my dh, ds, and dd to focus on - and of course myself.  
It has taken me 48 years of heartache and pain to come to the realization that we are not one big happy family and that is ok.  I can't fix everything and I just need to focus on being the best person I can be for my dh, ds and dd.  I have learned form many past experiences, it is just better for me to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself.  They fall on deaf ears.  Remaining sober certainly helps me do this.  

My focus is being the best possible mother for my children emotionally.  I may go overboard but I don't care - too much attention is better than none :)

I love my kids deeply and want to be the best mom I can be to them. I think we have an amazing relationship.  I can do that today by role modeling respectful (no matter how I feel) responsible, compassionate behavior towards everyone and have a peaceful calm day.  

Now to keep my "honest" sister in check...

2 comments:

  1. I am so glad you are focusing on what you have control over.
    I am also glad you are sober for your kids.
    My father was a late bloomer alcoholic, (when he was older and I was out of the house), but the toll it takes is hard.
    Detaching in a loving way is hard, but necessary.
    Big Hugs!
    xo
    Wendy

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  2. I agree with Wendy. You can "detach". It's not the same as withdrawing. When you "withdraw", you are holding on to resentment, and hoping that they will apologize, or change, or acknowledge your hurt. Detaching means that you can let them go with love. I have a particularly toxic Sister in Law. I stopped obsessing. I let her go. I am polite and as kind as possible when we are thrown together, but I make no overtures to be in her life. This may not be possible in your situation, but just letting people be who they are, and focusing your you and your sobriety, is the best Mothers Day gift to yourself. Good for you xxx

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